Ultimatum from brother re attending wedding

posted 6 days ago in Wedding Related
Post # 16
6161 posts
Bee Keeper

I find it very interesting that people are willing to leap to the conclusion that the brother in law is a sexual predator based on sending inappropriate messages. How did he get her phone number? And multiple messages? Sounds like she may have responded. There is so much we don’t know here. 

Consider a woman being married whose sister says she won’t go to her wedding because the grooms sister was flirting with her husband. Is the grooms sister a sexual predator? Does missing her sister’s wedding appropriate here, or is it an overreaction? What’s the difference between flirting with someone and sending messages? Only one – you have to get someone’s number to send them a message, and generally you get that number from the person themselves. 

Quite frankly the OP’s brother’s willingness to threaten not to attend the wedding seems less like enforcing a boundary and more like the actions of a controlling, insecure man.

But I always try to look at the bigger picture.

Post # 17
3020 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@sunburn:  We don’t know how the messages were sent. They could have been from FB or Instagram, which would mean the SIL didn’t give him her number. If he was drunk, it’s possible he sent multiple messages in a drunken stream, regardless of lack of response. My personal guess would be he sent dick pics along with explicit language about things he wanted from SIL. 

However, I do agree that I wouldn’t label someone as a sexual predator with only the description of “inappropriate messages.” I also wouldn’t skip a sibling’s wedding if their in law was attending after sending the messages I suspect were sent. I wouldn’t interact with that person at the wedding, but I’d still attend. 

Post # 18
10 posts

I don’t understand who is who.

You aren’t married yet, so Brother-In-Law and SIL wouldn’t be family of your fiance, are they people married to your siblings??


Post # 19
5040 posts
Bee Keeper

I am sooo confused. 

Post # 20
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think the Brother-In-Law is OP’s brother and the SIL is his wife. I am guessing the messages were sent to the SIL whilst she was married to OP’s brother.

And the creeper is OP’s fiancés brother so OP’s Future Brother-In-Law. 

View original reply

  • This reply was modified 5 days, 17 hours ago by j_jaye.
  • This reply was modified 5 days, 17 hours ago by j_jaye.
Post # 21
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think the complication in this is that all of these people are members of the bridal party. I can see why OP’s brother doesn’t want to have so much forced interaction with the guy who was inappropriately messaging his wife and I 100% support OP’s SIL in not wanting to be around someone who she feels unsafe being around. If the creep had just been a guest the reaction might have been different than knowing he was given an honour position.

Why your fiance wants someone who he wasn’t even speaking to to be his bestman is beyond me (weddings should not be used to repair relationships as it rarely works) but that is his choice at the end of the day.

At the end of the day your brother and SIL are entitled to feel how they feel and are well within their rights to put in place boundaries such as not being in the creeps presence. It was unfair (but understandable) that they accused you of picking the creep over them and they should have just declined.

It is up to you what you want to do but be aware that either decision could be relationship ending. 

Post # 22
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I don’t think its right to jump to the conclusion that fbil is a sexual predator. My initial thought is that it is really quite harsh of OP’s brother to refuse to attend her wedding because he doesn’t like one of the guests. Surely on your sister’s wedding you put aside the differences you may have with other people and support her? But its quite difficult to comment without seeing the messages. The issue could be that SIL feels unsafe but could equally be that OP’s brother is insecure and possesive. 

Post # 24
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I have no idea what the holy hell you just said, girl. 

Post # 25
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I didn’t realize sending “inappropriate messages” made one a sexual predator these days. Personally I feel OPs family are being dicks for refusing to talk to her.

Post # 26
3930 posts
Honey bee

We need more context on the nature of the inappropriate messages. How were they sent, what was the content in general? There is a massive difference between hey I think you’re hot vs hey here’s my dick.

Post # 27
6642 posts
Bee Keeper

There’s not enough information to give any advice and the whole thing doesn’t make enough sense.  Who is who?  When you say in law is it another siblings husband or wife?  It’s worded confusing.  

Post # 28
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think the hardest part of this is you truly have no idea what happened.  What if he made direct threats?  What if he really is a sexual predator?  And your bro & SIL are saying nothing???  I’d be PISSED that they would be willingly be putting everyone else in potential danger by not saying anything.

There is a huge difference when saying “Hey I think you’re hot.  Want to get a drink and go back to my place….even though you’re married.”  And making a direct sexual threat.  The first, would involve a strong verbal thrashing from me.  The latter would involve reporting him.  I sincerely hope it was the first and he’s not walking the streets preying on others.

Post # 29
13924 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think I’ve deciphered this. 

If your brother didn’t or won’t tell you what was in those messages, I don’t know how he expects you to cut off or uninvite FI’s brother from the wedding. I get that Fiance and his brother weren’t speaking for other reasons until recently, but I would have at the very least insisted future Brother-In-Law apologize for what happened back when it happened and certainly now before he was named best man and everyone has to be at an event together. Even if it was true that he and some drunken friends were acting out, it was still under his name, on his watch. 

And if it was even worse than a drunken come on, with or without pictures don’t you think you have a responsibilty there too? 

Post # 30
3140 posts
Sugar bee

A few things come to mind after re-reading this thread:

1) I would appreciate clarification on the inappropriate messages. How bad are we talking? Predatory, harassing? 

2) My previous reply assumed the Brother-In-Law had been contacting the SIL in a predatory or sexually harassing manner, due to previous comments. I made the mistake fo assuming I had missed a detail in this thread or perhaps a previous thread/possibly a deleted thread.

3) Your future husband was, at least initially, not okay with whatever his brother did, as it sounds it caused the 2 of them to fall out.  This, to me, indicates that we’re probably talking about something pretty bad.

4) She is supposed to be your Maid of Honor and he’s the Best Man.  Do you realize you’re asking her to be in close proximity with him, such being paired with him in processional/recessional, photographs, etc?  

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