(Closed) Ultimatums.

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you tell your fiancee "it's time to get engaged?"
    Yes, I gave a hard ultimatum, ("We need to be engaged by ____, or our relationship is over.") : (3 votes)
    4 %
    Sort of. I told my fiancee that I was ready, and suggested a time line. But never a true ultimatum. : (23 votes)
    32 %
    No, but I dropped hints. : (16 votes)
    23 %
    No, I was just going with the flow. : (29 votes)
    41 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1230 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    I vowed to myself that I would never give an ultimatum. I never wanted to associate my proposal engagement or marriage with that.  And I really wanted to know that HE was ready and excited to do it – not that he was afraid I would leave him so he simply proposed in an act of desperation!

    We were together for 5 1/2 years before Darling Husband proposed.  It was a long wait, but WELL worth it!  When Fiance did propose, I was surprised and thrilled.  The best part was that I truly knew it was what he wanted.  I feel like if I had given an ultimatum and he had proposed, I would have spent the rest of our engagement and marriage wondering…

    Post # 4
    Member
    456 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I’m not sure where we fall on that. We discussed it so much, from pretty early on, that there was never a time to give an ultimatum. We both knew we were sure, and it was just a matter of finding a good time. I knew we’d be getting married sometime after he graduated college, so… ? I put that I dropped hints, cause I did sort of do that. But we never needed an ultimatum.

    Post # 5
    Member
    184 posts
    Blushing bee

    I wish I hadn’t given a ‘soft’ ultimatum, but I certainly did. It’s no excuse, but I had certain baggage from a past relationship when it came to the proposal and I was very anxious about getting engaged. I also have a very specific timeline (we are moving next February) and I wanted to get married where we live now. So I told him that I would very much like to be engaged within the next year or else I would be very upset. I didn’t threaten to leave – I just made it be known that I would be extremely displeased. I wish now that I hadn’t done it, but I was so nerve wracked about the whole thing that if I had to do it all over again, I don’t know how successful I would be at preventing myself.

    Post # 6
    Member
    92 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    i was in the same boat as liz.smith. an ultimatum was never needed. we were always on the same page…or at least openly talking about where we both were on the whole thing. we talked about it so often, we kind of did it all together!

    Post # 7
    Member
    2365 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    No, I really honestly went with the flow, both of us did. It couldn’t have worked out more perfect. The biggest lesson in life I’ve learned, is that sometimes (most of the time ime) you just have to go with the flow and let fate take over. Most things are all about timing, especially an engagement. It has to be right for both of you, both of your families, etc. Getting engaged just because of time, such as the length you’ve dated – is ridiculous to me. I think it’s all about the timing.

    Post # 8
    Member
    80 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Nope, no ultimatum. I was never waiting, so this sort of doesn’t apply to me–he was. He wanted to get married far, far earlier than I did. I was waiting, waiting, waiting for the right timing in terms of education and career. When it all fell into place, he felt that I was ready and popped the question shortly after. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    820 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I would have voted other on this one if that was an option. I sort of gave my fiance an ultimatum but not one that meant we were breaking up if he didn’t propose. Our first 2 years we both lived in Boston, then I moved home to Cleveland for 2 years. I was applying for more grad school around the time when I was getting antsy to get engaged, and truthfully I really would have loved to go to a whole new city as opposed to back to Boston. I made it clear to my fiance that if we were not engaged by the time I had to decide my schools, I wasn’t going to come to Boston, I was going to go where I wanted to go. If he wanted to come, great. If not, oh well. I didn’t feel it was right to only come back to Boston for him when he hadn’t fully committed to me yet. Luckily, he proposed, and was willing to move to a different city for me, but in the end I felt bad making him sell his house, get a new job, etc… So I came back to Boston after all. Which isn’t bad at all, I just didn’t want to without the ring… and it would have been fun to try out Cali or CO or something. Oh well!

    Post # 10
    Member
    2889 posts
    Sugar bee

    I said I gave an ultimatium but I guess it was not so hard since it didn’t involve a threat. But we talked about getting engaged and our parents were going to meet which was a big deal since mine were flying 9 hours to get to his. i told him we needed to be engaged before they met. I fully expected him to propose while my parents were in town but he did it a month before and compleely suprised me!

    Post # 11
    Member
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    I think it depends on the reason behind the ultimatum. Like monalisa said, there is such a thing as an ultimatum without a threat of breaking up. I told my husband I would not move in with him unless we were engaged, as so we got engaged before moving in together. We were always going to get engaged, it was just a matter of a few months leeway in either direction.

    But I would never support an ultimatum of "marry me or I’m leaving," because I would never want to worry that my spouse had married me because he felt pressured and not because he truly wanted to.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1078 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    @MrsK2be: I completely agree, and approached it the same way. You should BOTH be ready to get married. Giving an ultimatum to your significant other doesn’t exactly ensure that he’s all onboard. He may propose for the wrong reasons, proving to be troublesome down the road…

    Post # 13
    Member
    326 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I voted "went with the flow" and actually was surprised Mr. Spin chose to propose as early as he did, just because of the timing. We’d been dating 5 years and knew we’d get married eventually but we were just waiting for everything to fall in line with his grad school. I was expecting we’d get engaged as much as 2 years later than what we did (i.e. during or after grad school as opposed to right before it). ^_^ But this works for me!

    Post # 14
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Actually, i sat my Fiance down and told him that if he didn’t put a ring on my finger before he went to iraq for 15 MONTHS, then I was taking it as a sign that he didn’t want to marry me.

    IMO why would i sit around and wait for a BOYFRIEND who was deployed to Iraq if I didn’t know we were going to get married when he got home? Had I mentioned that we’d been together about 3 years at this point? We’d even lived together for a few months. I didn’t want to be with a guy who was dragging his feet and dealing with his own uncertainties. I loved him, but I wasn’t going to wait around forever if he was going to just yank me along, either. He wanted to know why I wanted a ring so bad. We had talked about getting married and honestly, I wanted the committment from him that it was going to happen. It was sort of a "put up or shut up" thing. Don’t tell me you want to marry me, you love me, etc, then do absolutely zero about it. I got the impression he was "all talk". Frankly, I just wasn’t happy with the idea of him leaving for so long and NOT putting a ring on my finger. My biggest issue was, Why didn’t he want to? Aaah, the life of a military’s girlfriend. I never wanted to date a guy "just to date". I only dated guys I saw myself dating long term or eventually marrying, and if he didn’t see me that way, too, then quite frankly, there were other fish in the sea. It’s harsh, but i’m a very straight up kinda girl. I’m sure a lot of people will think i’m ridiculous, but that’s ok!

    Honestly, if his answer had been, "well i’m just not sure about you yet" in regards to marrying me, I probably would have wished him luck and walked out the door. I was graduting from college soon, and my personal career choice and location of job depended on where "we" would be when he got back. 

    Well…turns out he wanted to wait and here’s why. He felt it was a tease to me to put a ring on my finger, then jet off to fight a war. What an awful thing to do, he said. He said he couldn’t afford anything but a tiny little diamond and wanted to get me a big, beautiful ring to "reward" me for being so patient and putting up with him in the military all these years. For sticking through it and only seeing him every 6-8 weeks for one short weekend while going to college for an intensive degree. Ultimately, I was taking his lack in urgency to propose (c’mon, it’d been 3 years!) as a lack in desire to marry me and I didnt’ want to waste my time. I didn’t want him to ask me unless he wanted to. But if he didn’t want to…well….

    So we talked about it, and he said if i REALLY wanted to get engaged, now that I knew how he felt about it (that he did want to marry me, but honestly he did have valid reasons for waiting), he would put a ring on my finger. Since our 1 year anniversary, though, I’ve been wearing an "I love you" ring on my ring finger. It’s my birthstone (amethyst) with little diamonds on the side.

    Once I knew his reason, I decided to respect that. I joked he better make it worth my while and he promised me to get me whatever I wanted when he got back. He’s a man of his word! 

    I think this is relatively common with women who date military guys. I have plenty of friends who date military men who would have walked away if they’d been with a guy for 3+ years and he hadn’t proposed yet. Military life involves a LOT of committment on the part of the woman. At some point it has to be reciprocated. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I should comment that a few months into his deployment, he told me he wished he’d proposed before he left because he then felt BAD about NOT putting that ring on my finger.

     Silly boys.

    Post # 16
    Member
    815 posts
    Busy bee

    We both knew that we were going to get married from day one but that doesn’t mean we got engaged then.  Since we’re long distance the logistics of getting married would be really hard, especially in this economy.  So instead of giving him an ultimatum, I told him that I want to get married and I don’t want to wait more than three years for it.  I was relieved to hear him tell me the same thing and I felt kind of bad for him, because it was something that he had been thinking about for a while. 

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