Post # 1
So I turn my laptop on hit the internet explorer icon and what do you know on my homepage is an article about settling down.
NOW I have never thought that I have commitment issues because I love my Fiance. AND I have faithfully been his partner for 10 years, we have a family and a home. Where is the commitment issue you ask? We’ve been engaged for 6 years!! I keep saying that its because of the money or that we really don’t need to go through the formalities since we already know we’re in it for life.
I feel that the description of a maximizer kinda fits me a little and the satisfier describes my Fiance all day! A small piece of me does think that one day I will randomly meet my “soul mate” and have this love at first site moment that will change my life– I certainly cannot have that moment if I’m married right?!
Not saying that my Fiance isn’t my true love, for the most part we are completely compatible- I really cannot picture my life without him in it. I miss him when he’s not home, I trust him 100%, and he makes me feel like I am the only girl in the world-for real! I still check him out when I see him in person and I get butterflies when he calls me on the phone. So why did HE have to force ME to put my hand on a bible to promise that we would get hitched Aug 2011-I did…then I convinced him to push it to Aug 2012. And for all I am concerned we can talk wedding for a few weeks then never pick it up again WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!?
But when he suggests that we go to the Justice of the Peace and just get hitched I say I would be okay doing that but…
Am I all alone here?
Post # 3
I think you need to sit down and really think about this. What is it that you are really afraid of? It seems you are in love with a wonderful man, who loves you and both of your children, and have a stable loving relationship. You have already been living together for years. He wants to marry you – let him!!! I’m sure you know how many women out there would do anything to have their SO propose. Is it that your not into the whole big wedding?
Post # 4
@BBee: Honestly I don’t know what it is 🙁 The more I visit this website, the more I’m getting into the idea of wanting to think of details for this wedding (not really wanting to pay for it though) I guess I’m just a believer of if it aint broke…don’t try to fix it! YIKES can I be more of an anti-bride?? lol
Post # 5
Do you think that maybe it’s the “wedding” thing that is turning you off, and not your FI? Maybe it is the institution of marriage, or the formality, or even the cost? Not saying that is what it is, but it’s just a new thought.
It doesn’t mean you don’t believe in committment. My aunt and uncle have been happily un-married for 40+ years.
Post # 6
@AmeliaBedelia: First of all I LOVE Amelia Bedelia!! and I want to thank you for your comment
I think you may be on to something with me having a problem with the formalities of marriage. With marriage comes the merging of health/car insurance, bank accounts and name changes etc. Not to mention with it being the last step, will our relationship completly plateau? i.e Maslows Hierarchy of Needs
Plus sometimes I think if we were to break up it would be an easier exit strategy if we weren’t married–who thinks like that other than someone who has a “commitment” issue right?
The sad thing is my Fiance says “we could be celebrating our _ year wedding anniversary if we would just do it” He’s so dreamy and I know I will marry no matter how I feel about marriage because I love him and I want him to be happy, and he loves and wants the same for me. How can I not be convinced this is the right thing to do knowing that?
Post # 7
@oneloveRicherPrice: Fun stuff first: Me too and I plan on buying every.single.book. for my kids. :p
Ahh, another Maslow believer. :p I got my Undergrad in Psyc. haha. I think, based on your posts, that the formalities (the icky parts: the money, the paperwork, yada yada) is what might be psyching you out. But keep this in mind: It’s typically just a one time ordeal. You’ll do it, it’ll be annoying, and then you’ll be done. 🙂
As far as the plateau, I am a firm believer in “it is what you make it.” So if you keep the spark alive while dating, who’s to say you won’t be able to in a marriage? Especially with a FH that thinks like that. 😉 You two have been together longer than a lot of couple who have dated, been engaged, and gotten married. I think you’ve got the strong stuff.
Committment is a big deal, but it sounds like you two are already quite committed. I have another thought: Perhaps, it’s not the marriage formality so much as the wedding formality? All the “crap” you have to do for one day? That kind of psyches me out too. It seems like an awful lot of effort for one day, and logically I can’t even begin to digest it. (Hence my approach: Don’t think about that!)
Post # 8
Another poster mentioned this site and it might help you with what you are feeling..
“In the last decade, I’ve worked to bring the wedding’s shadow into the light and have counseled thousands of women and men worldwide to help them understand what is happening to them. Conscious Weddings is based on the premise that the wedding is an important rite of passage, an event that signifies a change in identity for the bride and groom and a significant transition for parents. The true work during the engagement is not so much about finding the perfect cake and flowers as it is separating from and grieving the ties to the current identity, exploring fears about marriage, and having honest conversations about expectations of what it means to be a “wife” and “husband” today. These are the core emotions that underlie what we commonly refer to as engagement anxiety and cold feet. If this work is not done during the engagement, people often need to revisit the wedding emotions until the transition feels complete. It is never to late to complete this transition, and no matter where you are on your marriage journey, Conscious Weddings bridal counseling can assist you in having the wedding, and marriage, of your dreams.”
Post # 9
@AmeliaBedelia: Maslow is the shit. I even named one of my cats Maslow.
@oneloveRicherPrice: Are you just not wanting to rock the boat, or do you really think it would be a mistake?
Post # 10
@AmeliaBedelia: You are absolutly right! I just need to not think about it. We deserve to celebrate our union along with anyone else, I think I may need a wedding planner just ensure that I won’t be thinking about it lol
@KoiKove: thank you for that info
@helenberrycrunch: I don’t think it would be a mistake-I couldn’t be happier with my guy, I guess I suffer from fairytale syndrome-my storybook being Cinderella
Thanks to all of you ladies for your help IT’S MUCH APPRECIATED AND HELPED ME OUT A LOT
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2011 - Glendale Lyceum
I feel you, girl. More than one time, I’ve had to be reminded by Pdog: “We’re staying the same us.” Life with him is so good- I get nervous that something will change with official titles, even though I know it won’t.
This quote has always calmed me:
The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life – Anne Morriss –
Post # 12
@prairiedog: Thanks for the inspiration. I just re-read this post with its comments and I do feel good about being with my one true love forever. I think planning this event is freaking me out more than anything!
Post # 13
I like that quote Prairiedog!