(Closed) Um……you are not my father…. (insert slight toddler tantrum here)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ok….yes he will be your step-dad and a part of your life in some respect because he is marrying your mom and if he becomes the “man of the house” (their house, mind you) then that is all good.  And good for your mom!  However, I don’t think that you as an adult will probably ever really consider him to be a step-dad, but more as just your mom’s husband.  And I see nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn’t cause too much family drama.

He is not your father.  He is not the one who raised you.  He does not know your life story and the way you have written this, he doesn’t sound like he really even knows you or your Fiance.  Yes, you have met and visited, but that in my mind, does not constitute a fatherly relationship.

So while I respect that you mom wants him to handle household business, I do not believe your wedding falls into that category.  In my mind, I don’t think he should be the one intimately involved in planning your wedding because he really just came into your life.  I do hope this works out for you because I would hate to see you fight with your mom over something like this, but I have to agree with you.  I would want my mom as the representative and if your step-dad has a few opinions, that’s ok.  But he would not be the one you should have to go to when you want advice or input from your mother.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Maybe since your mom has a hard time understanding, you can speak with her FH and explain things to him in a nice, respectful way?

Something like, “I really appreciate the interest you’re taking in my wedding. Thank you so much….but FH and I really do have the wedding planning under control, so you don’t really need to worry about it or call him about it. We’ve got it covered.”

Then if he calls your FH, have your FH relay the same message. And maybe try not to discuss the details with him until necessary. Like after the decisions have been made/ deposits have been sent in. Hopefully he will get the point.

As far as your mom wanting to make him new your “daddy of the decade” or him trying to give you his opinion on other things about your life, maybe just ignore it and hope they get the hint? But sometimes people never realize that if you want their advice, you’ll ask them for it.

Obviously you know better then we do if they’re the type to take hints or if they’re the type who need to be hit over the head to get your point. And no, I don’t think you’re overreacting one bit. I can imagine it must be really frustrating and super awkward!

Post # 5
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

@Aubergold:  Woooow.  OK, my initial reaction was,”He doesn’t sound so bad, really.”  But then I reread it and from what I gather, he is totally cool with your MBA ideas but he wants you to reconsider your engagement party location and your wedding date, correct?  Is he phoning your Fiance specifically to try to sway him into changing your plans this far in the game?  If so, I think that’s a bit out of line.  It’s one thing to try to be supportive, lend a helping opinion, and try to find a comfy spot in the midst of the plans (you know, since he is about to marry into the family).  But it’s also another entirely different ballgame when his opinion is forced upon you and other avenues are explored in an attempt to get his way. 

Post # 8
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

You’re not overreacting.  I have a stepfather, and he and my mom have been married for 12 years, and I still don’t want him pulling sh*t like that.  Not okay.  Boundaries!

Post # 9
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

@Aubergold:  LOL!  I love your commentary…  I totally feel you on this one.  If he wants to make a nice, comfy spot for himself within your family, this isn’t quite the manner in which to make that spot!  At this point, I’d just brush it off your shoulders and carry on with your plans.  You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and you know what you want — he can’t touch that!  🙂

Post # 10
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

I agree that the graduate school business, the engagement party business and the wedding date business is not really his business.  Do you think he is involved because your mom and he plan to  contribute to the cost of the wedding?  I don’t know but am trying to think of all angles here.  I totally understand your feeling with the replacement daddy business.  Maybe he’s a nice guy and trying to be helpful but hasn’t really though about how he is coming across.  Best wishes with this.

Post # 13
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

I understand the generational issue here.  I’m in my fifties and with my son’s wedding planning, I’m learning a lot about how things are being done now.  My concern is that if you don’t explain to your mom your wishes and plans (firmly) you may have more issues down the road, and that isn’t fair to you. I’ve had to adjust my thought of having my whole family (kind of large) attend my son’s wedding to allow for the friends who have become so much closer than many members of our family.  I won’t say it’s been easy, but I understand where he is coming from and will support his wishes.

Just a suggestion, if it works for you —  lay out your plans for you mom in a matter-of-fact manner.  No engagement party because you would rather save your money for the things you really want for your wedding.  The wedding date is because it works out best for you and your fiance.  If you are walking down the aisle alone or having your mom walk you down  (if you have thought that far) tell lher that too.  In that way, she’ll have time to get used to the idea and one less drama to deal with later on.

I know parents can put so much pressure on a couple with regard to wedding planning, and if you present your plans to them firmly maybe it will help.  I truly wish you all the best.

 

Post # 14
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

No way are you over-reacting.  New guy shouldn’t even be asking to have the conversations, and your mom shouldn’t be encouraging it.  Generational or not, once you explain your expectations / comfort level, that should have been the end of it!  I would have flipped out too.

Sorry if this sounds harsh….  My parents split when I was 5 too, and my parents were both pretty decent about not letting their “significant others” over the course of my life try to get involved in our lives (myself and my sibs).  But when one tried to cross the imaginary line I had, I made it clear that there were boundaries, thanks, and maybe when you’re around for a while we can play family.  My dad’s been with his (now) wife for 16 years now, and she’s obviously family, but for the first few years they were dating, I didn’t have much to do with her.  If I had gotten married back then and she’d tried to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, I would have lost it.

Good luck lady… I do not envy you this!  Stick to whatever feels right to you, and if your mom’s new Fiance trying to insert his opinion makes you uncomfortable, you don’t need to justify that to anyone! 

Post # 15
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow. I don’t think you overreacted at all. I would have flipped out if something like that happened to me. Maybe it will help if you try talking to your mom in a few days once you’ve both calmed down. Bring it up by saying something like, “I understand that you are marrying him, but please understand that I do not know him very well, and I prefer to hear from you in regards to our wedding.”

I’m sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope your mom comes to her senses.

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