(Closed) Un-attracted to husband…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Perhaps you could suggest that you start a work out routine together? It’s the perfect time of year for it, just say you want to get in shape after Christmas and that you would love to do it together with him. If you already work out, suggest a different sport – like climbing! If that doesn’t work, well… then I would sit down and have a conversation with him. Better to do it early on than wait until it gets even more difficult to bring up the subject.

Post # 4
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well, you can’t make a person change, but maybe you could start cooking low-cal dinners for him?

As for the sex, we have a rule in my house… No one gets to masturbate if the other person wants to have sex. I know, it’s a little weird, but I used to come home and he didn’t want to have sex because he’d already played with himself! And I was DONE with not getting laid.

Post # 5
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

I can sort of relate with my current SO – we’re both on the larger side, but he’s got a BIG stomach and it makes sex kind of difficult. We often end up with me just finishing him off orally… kinda disappointing.

So we’re both working on losing weight and being more active/healthier together. Right now we’re LDR, so we can’t be active together, so we made a bit of a competition out of it to see who can lose more weight/inches while we’re apart.

My suggestion is to try and get active together. Find some physical activities you enjoy doing together, cook together and focus on making healthier meal choices – but don’t make it on him. Make it something you’re doing as a couple, and it won’t seem like you’re pressuring him to lose weight – he’ll probably start dropping it and feeling more energetic as a result of just being more active.

Post # 6
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe you could try to find an ative hobby that you could do and enjoy together, like walking, hiking or riding bicycles. Being more active together might help increase his energy level and help with weightloss,  and it could also avoid hurt feelings if it’s disguised as a new hobby. I think a lot of couples can struggle with one being less active than the other. Sometimes I feel way less healthy than FI! It really helps to motivate me when we do fun healthy things together. 

Post # 7
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yare are right. Doing /saying nothing will escalate the problem. The advice about getting active together and eating bettering is great. Start there. Let him know how hot ge looks when he is working out. If he refuses or is hesitant you might have to tell him the truth. Some might disagree with me here and say it is hurtful to tell him. Yes it hurts to hear the truth but you cant pretend that sexual fulfillment is not vital in marriage. He needs to know how serious this is. You can do it with the help of a councillor. Any way you look at it you are absolutely right this WILL lead to bigger problems if you keep pretending to be happy

Post # 8
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Does he go down on you? What about introducing sex toys in the bedroom? This won’t fix the deeper problems, but maybe it’s time to supplement your playtime?

Post # 9
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You also want him to become more fit so that he is healthy.  If you love anyone you wouldnt want to see them gain weight and also gain all of the health concerns that come along with it.  My Fiance wants to start working out, and I have been trying to be very supposrtive of that, trying to cook healthier meals, and we have been working out together.  Not only is it fun to work out together… we usually shower together afterwards!  Also if you possibly start running or biking, or even putting a workout dvd in and he sees you doing this, he will then get the motivation to work out too.  I see this as a perfect opportunity to bond together, and why not build him up by asking him to go to the gym with you and show you some weight training?  If he thinks he is helping you out you will play to his ego, and he will WANT to go. 

Post # 10
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

I don’t have any new advice, but wanted you to know that I can relate.  While I was married, my ex-DH gained about 50 lbs. in a matter of one year.  (I gained too, but not quite as much).  When you are not as visually attracted, the your attraction and libido can suffer.  I certainly hope you both can do something to re-spark the phsyical chemistry!  You don’t want for your Darling Husband to become your “room-mate”.  Frown

Post # 11
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It is important to change everything in the house food, snacks, and implement going for a walk every night for at least an hour if that is possible.

Why didnt you address this issue prior to getting married? He would have known how important it is to you to keep his weight down.

My pet peeve is a fat stomach and my Fiance knows that is a no no…dont get me wrong I walk everyday or night. I watch what I eat because I have to practice what I preach. He will be marrying me at a certain weight and I want to maintain that by implementing eating healthy, exercise, and being our best for each other.

So these issues dont become issues it is painful when you are not happy with your partner. 

Post # 12
Member
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you figure out how to tell a partner they should lose weight without hurting them, tell me… and then write a book, you’ll be a millionaire. 

Post # 13
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I can relate…Fiance is my best friend and I love him but he gained like 20 lbs over the holidays- all up front! To be totally honest sex is suffering…he’s not feeling like it, I’m not turned on, and when we do it anyway I’m distracted by the awkwardness of bumping into his stomach now that I can’t really get into it. It’s horrible. I’ve been working on getting him back on track by doing healthy meals for us and getting him to do active stuff with me. We like to watch Netflix movies too so I got him to watch a few health/nutrition ones “that I really wanted to see” and it definitely got him interested in getting healthy without me having to get confrontational. I’m hoping he starts to get there on his own in the next few months… I feel for ya though! It’s too soon to lose the sex! I’ve never been a fitness stickler myself, but this does make me think dang I would never want him to feel this way about me! 

Post # 14
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think you have a more valid or less hurtful reason to tell him the truth than just because you think he’s getting ‘fat’ or gaining too much weight.  If my husband couldn’t finish having sex with me because of his weight or health (and something he could fix) I would be upset.  I think you can approach this by having a caring conversation about how it is bothering you that your sex life is suffering.  If he can no longer having sex with you properly, you should be able to broach the subject.

You can approach it by telling him that a) you’re concerned about his health and b) that you’re concerned about your sex life.  I think it’s fair to bring this up if it’s affecting you as well.

Post # 15
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you should tell him that you aren’t attracted to him because that could REALLY hurt him badly.  I would be devastated if my husband ever told me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore and I would never be able to forget it. Even if he became attracted to me again, I would never be able to trust in that because I would always wonder if he was really attracted to me or not.  However, you can definitely talk to your husband about your disappointment that he’s too tired for intercourse now.  Talk to him about what your needs are and hopefully he will be willing to make changes.  As others have suggested, getting healthy together is a great idea!  My husband and I are dieting together and becoming more active together by swimming once a week and walking on our treadmill at home daily.  Try to cook healthy meals and find fun physical activities that you will both enjoy!  Sex is also a great way to burn calories!

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