Post # 16
You do not tell people they are not invited to your party unless they specifically ask you if they will receive an invitation. To bring up their non-invite without being asked is basically rubbing their faces in the fact that you don’t think they are good enough to go to your party. It is very crass behavior, IMO.
I also agree with @ilovesophia in that, assuming these are otherwise good friends, not inviting them because they don’t center enough conversations around your engagement and wedding planning for your liking seems…questionable. Again, I am presuming no one has made time off requests or travel arrangements based on what you told them?
ETA: I didn’t even think about engagement parties, showers, etc., but yes, if anyone attended one of these events (unless the shower was organized by and for your co-workers) they should be invited.
Post # 17
A few coworkers and I were once enthusiastically invited (verbally) to another colleague’s wedding. She went so far as to put the date on one coworker’s phone calendar and told the rest of us to remember it before gushing about all the food, entertainment, etc she was going to have. Only one of us then received an invitation, and the remaining 3 of us were left in an awkward situation: were we not invited? Did she not have our addresses? Another coworker eventually emailed her to ask, and she had to sheepishly admit she had decided to keep the invites to family and friends only, not work people. It was awkward all around.
I’m not sure what “right reasons” are for attending a wedding: are you worried the guests are coming specifically so they can start drama or make others uncomfortable? Do you think they want to be invited so they can spend 4 hours hardselling Herbalife/DoTerra/bodywraps/totebags/whatever to the other guests? Then, you may have some ammunition to not invite them. Are you worried they just want to drink and dance without bringing a gift? None of your business. The margin for not sending invites to people youv’e already invited is slim. Don’t be that guy unless you have an ironclad reaosn.
Post # 18
It sounds like these people (how many are we talking about?) haven’t been very supportive or enthusiastic during your wedding planning process. I get that that would kind of bum you out, but depending exactly on what that means, I don’t think that really warrants not inviting them. Some people just aren’t big into weddings and therefore won’t ask a lot of questions about the plans and whatnot. No one will be as excited as you are about this. Are they actively saying mean things?
It also sounds like you specifically already told these people that they would be invited. Is that right? Makes the situation, even with the lack of STDs, trickier. So these people are definitely expecting an invitation because you already told them that they should. So I’m guessing they WILL ask you what is going on after they do not receive an invitation. I guess you could let them know that due to budget constraints you had to really cut your guest list and only invite close friends and family…?
Post # 19
have these people already attended a shower and spent money on you?
to be honest if you verbally invited them its rude not not actually invite them however it is CERTAINLY far more rude to phone them up and rub their face in the fact you’re not inviting them… its never ok to flaunt a party at someone who is not invited and then tell them ‘you cant come’ thats actually akin to bullying
Post # 20
“alot of people that I see on the DAILY basis never ask anything about the wedding plans, my engagement, like nothing- not to mention doing a few rude things- so the closer we get to sending out invites, the more I’m like hey, do I want them there, would they make the atmosphere yuck…maybe I shouldn’t invite.”
Personally I’d be hard-pressed to find a way to be comfortable with “not asking anything about the wedding plans” being the reason to not invite. But maybe OP can.
Post # 21
I need more details…
1. Did these people attend any showers?
2. Are they coworkers/friends/family?
3. When you say they know they are invited…did you verbally tell them they were invited or are they assuming?
Post # 22
I had to go through a similar situation at work once. One of my coworkers (a guy) bascially invited the whole office (well, our team) to his wedding. He made a huge deal about how great the food was at the venue, how they got this awesome DJ, etc, etc. The only one that wound up getting invited was our boss. It was rather embarrassing for him to tell us we weren’t invited, and one guy’s wife specifically requested that day off of work because they wer expecting an invitation.
OP, if these people have already done things like give you a shower gift, you have to invite them. I’m also a little confused by your vague wording on your reasons for not wanting them there.
Post # 23
Your posts are too vague for me to discern if you’re looking for excuses to get out of inviting people you impulsively verbally invited and now want to exclude to suit your own needs (smaller venue, budget, guest list growing larger than expected) or if these people you want to un-invite truly did something worthy of such rudeness.
If someone has behaved unacceptably or insultingly that’s one thing & you shouldn’t feel you have to invite someone who has treated you horridly, verbal invite or not, however if you’re simply trying to find reasons to do what you want without feeling guilty, you already know un-inviting people is rude unless it’s truly warranted.
Post # 24
If I uninvited every person who didn’t ask me all about my wedding plans, etc. I would’ve had 5 people at my wedding. That sounds really bratty. If they are actually being genuinely not good people towards you, then I would just wait until they ask and NOT talk about the wedding in front of them.
Post # 25
Idk…maybe they’re actually trying to be polite by not asking too many questions about your wedding because they don’t want you to feel obligated to invite them! I’ve pumped the breaks and given coworkers space for that very reason – if someone volunteers info then I’m always more than happy to chat but I wouldn’t want to be constantly bringing up another person’s wedding.
Post # 26
Oh, I agree for sure. I didn’t see OP’s update prior to posting – but if OP is willing to uninvite people over this, she should be willing to tell them why. I think if you can’t be honest about something (within reason), it’s a good clue that it’s not the right decision.
Post # 27
how much should people be asking about your wedding to merit an invite? I’ve literally never heard about that. Beyond asking a cousin “How’s the wedding planning coming along?” over the punch bowl at Christmas when you run out of things to say, I don’t picture myself asking anyone for much detail unless I’m actively in the wedding and have tasks to plan for. Congratulations on the engagement, RSVP yes or no, then saving the rest of the enthusiasm for the actual wedding day.
Post # 28
thanks for your input….. i don’t think my side is getting across the right way,but good insights. I said long story short b/c there is so much more. The only thing I wanted to know is that if I’ve had conversations with someone about them coming to my wedding….and later decided NOT to invite….do I just not send the invite and converse with them when they ask? seems like this is the answer….just wanting to direction on how to word them NOT being invited when they thought they were.
Post # 29
thanks…no not worried about gifts at all. thanks for the insight!
Post # 30
it wasn’t about being honest it was wording…or if i should tackle the convo or wait until they come to me. thanks for your insight