(Closed) Un-inviting people!?!

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Imsouldeep1989 :  You do not tell people they are not invited to your party unless they specifically ask you if they will receive an invitation.  To bring up their non-invite without being asked is basically rubbing their faces in the fact that you don’t think they are good enough to go to your party.   It is very crass behavior, IMO.

I also agree with @ilovesophia in that, assuming these are otherwise good friends, not inviting them because they don’t center enough conversations around your engagement and wedding planning for your liking seems…questionable. Again, I am presuming no one has made time off requests or travel arrangements based on what you told them? 

ETA: I didn’t even think about engagement parties, showers, etc., but yes, if anyone attended one of these events (unless the shower was organized by and for your co-workers) they should be invited. 

Post # 17
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

A few coworkers and I were once enthusiastically invited (verbally) to another colleague’s wedding. She went so far as to put the date on one coworker’s phone calendar and told the rest of us to remember it before gushing about all the food, entertainment, etc she was going to have. Only one of us then received an invitation, and the remaining 3 of us were left in an awkward situation: were we not invited? Did she not have our addresses? Another coworker eventually emailed her to ask, and she had to sheepishly admit she had decided to keep the invites to family and friends only, not work people. It was awkward all around.

 

I’m not sure what “right reasons” are for attending a wedding: are you worried the guests are coming specifically so they can start drama or make others uncomfortable? Do you think they want to be invited so they can spend 4 hours hardselling Herbalife/DoTerra/bodywraps/totebags/whatever to the other guests? Then, you may have some ammunition to not invite them. Are you worried they just want to drink and dance without bringing a gift? None of your business. The margin for not sending invites to people youv’e already invited is slim. Don’t be that guy unless you have an ironclad reaosn.

Post # 18
Member
6345 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

It sounds like these people (how many are we talking about?) haven’t been very supportive or enthusiastic during your wedding planning process. I get that that would kind of bum you out, but depending exactly on what that means, I don’t think that really warrants not inviting them. Some people just aren’t big into weddings and therefore won’t ask a lot of questions about the plans and whatnot. No one will be as excited as you are about this. Are they actively saying mean things? 

It also sounds like you specifically already told these people that they would be invited. Is that right? Makes the situation, even with the lack of STDs, trickier. So these people are definitely expecting an invitation because you already told them that they should. So I’m guessing they WILL ask you what is going on after they do not receive an invitation. I guess you could let them know that due to budget constraints you had to really cut your guest list and only invite close friends and family…?

Post # 19
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

have these people already attended a shower and spent money on you?

to be honest if you verbally invited them its rude not not actually invite them however it is CERTAINLY far more rude to phone them up and rub their face in the fact you’re not inviting them… its never ok to flaunt a party at someone who is not invited and then tell them ‘you cant come’ thats actually akin to bullying

 

Post # 20
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
LadyBear :  “alot of people that I see on the DAILY basis never ask anything about the wedding plans, my engagement, like nothing- not to mention doing a few rude things- so the closer we get to sending out invites, the more I’m like hey, do I want them there, would they make the atmosphere yuck…maybe I shouldn’t invite.”

Personally I’d be hard-pressed to find a way to be comfortable with “not asking anything about the wedding plans” being the reason to not invite.  But maybe OP can. 

Post # 21
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

 

I need more details…

1. Did these people attend any showers?

2. Are they coworkers/friends/family? 

3. When you say they know they are invited…did you verbally tell them they were invited or are they assuming?

Post # 22
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I had to go through a similar situation at work once.  One of my coworkers (a guy) bascially invited the whole office (well, our team) to his wedding.  He made a huge deal about how great the food was at the venue, how they got this awesome DJ, etc, etc.  The only one that wound up getting invited was our boss.  It was rather embarrassing for him to tell us we weren’t invited, and one guy’s wife specifically requested that day off of work because they wer expecting an invitation.

OP, if these people have already done things like give you a shower gift, you have to invite them.  I’m also a little confused by your vague wording on your reasons for not wanting them there.

Post # 23
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

Your posts are too vague for me to discern if you’re looking for excuses to get out of inviting people you impulsively verbally invited and now want to exclude to suit your own needs (smaller venue, budget, guest list growing larger than expected) or if these people you want to un-invite truly did something worthy of such rudeness.

If someone has behaved unacceptably or insultingly that’s one thing & you shouldn’t feel you have to invite someone who has treated you horridly, verbal invite or not, however if you’re simply trying to find reasons to do what you want without feeling guilty, you already know un-inviting people is rude unless it’s truly warranted. 

Post # 24
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee

If I uninvited every person who didn’t ask me all about my wedding plans, etc. I would’ve had 5 people at my wedding. That sounds really bratty. If they are actually being genuinely not good people towards you, then I would just wait until they ask and NOT talk about the wedding in front of them.

Post # 25
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Imsouldeep1989 :  Idk…maybe they’re actually trying to be polite by not asking too many questions about your wedding because they don’t want you to feel obligated to invite them! I’ve pumped the breaks and given coworkers space for that very reason – if someone volunteers info then I’m always more than happy to chat but I wouldn’t want to be constantly bringing up another person’s wedding.

Post # 26
Member
3951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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camenae : Oh, I agree for sure. I didn’t see OP’s update prior to posting – but if OP is willing to uninvite people over this, she should be willing to tell them why. I think if you can’t be honest about something (within reason), it’s a good clue that it’s not the right decision.

Post # 27
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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Imsouldeep1989 :  how much should people be asking about your wedding to merit an invite? I’ve literally never heard about that. Beyond asking a cousin “How’s the wedding planning coming along?” over the punch bowl at Christmas when you run out of things to say, I don’t picture myself asking anyone for much detail unless I’m actively in the wedding and have tasks to plan for. Congratulations on the engagement, RSVP yes or no, then saving the rest of the enthusiasm for the actual wedding day.

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