Post # 1
My husband and I got married to each other in May 2019. We had decided to have sex after getting married. Our wedding was stressful, and so was the phase after that because of certain issues caused by the in-laws.
My concern is that physical intimacy is not what I had expected after getting married. Sure, we hug and cuddle each other whenever we are together, but we are on different pages when it comes to a full blown make-out sessions or sex. Whenever I initiate, he kinda refuses (unless I suggest we schedule it later in the evening), but there is no spontaneity. I now wait for him to initiate, and when he doesn’t, it frustrates me. Am i the othe only one going through this? We have had so many conversations about it that it has become a mood killer. I get anxious about making a move because I dont want to hear a no. This thought worries me every day. has anyone been through this before? We are emotionally intimate and do have our “first year of marriage fights”, but I feel that he does not prioritize sex as much as I do and I do not want any resentment to build up because of this.
Post # 2
I’m sorry bee! I think the fact that you are emotionally intimate is a good sign. I think an honest conversation on how important sex is for you will help. I think it’s normal to not have a synchronized desire the first few months. Has it being like that since the beginning of your marriage?
Post # 3
It has been on and off. There was insane amount of stress in the first couple of months- during this time, he did not particularly feel like indulging in sexy times. However, I need it to calm my nerves. I even went down the self-doubt rabbit hole. Now, we try to propose sex for the evening, and chalk time for it accordingly. But a lot of times, if I initiate something impromptu, he usually says that he is tired and proposes an alternate time. I maybe be ill-informed, but from I have heard, a guy usually is up for it most of the times (I know I sound sexist). Just looking for some assurance amd empathy
Post # 4
Hi bee! It sounds like there is still some communicating that needs to be done to get to the bottom of this! I know talking about your sex life, or issues surrounding sex, can feel like the most unsexy unspontaneous thing ever but it’s definitely crucial to setting up a good foundation for having fun, spontaneous, satisfying sex with your partner. It sounds like you’re the one making the bigger effort to communicate here. Maybe your husband doesn’t feel comfortable talking about sex for any number of reasons but it would be good to know why so I would suggest trying to get him to communicate why he doesn’t want to talk about it in the first place. Good communication, even on topics that feel awkward or taboo to us, is so crucial to intimacy so that could be a good starting point. You can even say to him, I want us to be able to talk about anything with each other, etc. etc. Don’t make it about him, make it about your needs, starting first with better communication about sex, and then, hopefully, if that improves, so will your sex life!
Post # 5
My standard response in these situations is to suggest a trip to the doctor to rule out anything physical causing low libido in a young man that could be treated.
Post # 6
I’ve dated men like this is in the past; ones that had a lower sex drive and would occasionally reject me. That’s just how they were and who they were. Thankfully my husband is the opposite. I don’t want to depress you but because you had no idea going into this how he was towards sex (talk is cheap), you can’t expect him to be the same as you. You’ll have to compromise together and learn to accept him the way he is if he can’t make great changes.
Post # 7
is he just suggesting a later time or a different day altogether? what time are you initiating? maybe you are intiating at 7pm, and he feels after 9pm would be better suited.
how would he react if you totally took control? and told him sex was happening right now?
what does he say when you ask him about the lack of sex?
Post # 8
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Are you each other’s first sexual partners? If so, I do think it’s a bit of a red flag that he’s now had his first taste of sex and isn’t wanting to engage more often. When you do have sex, do you both enjoy it? If not, could he possibly be worried about being “bad” in bed? Maybe he has some performance anxieties on his end? Just throwing some ideas out there.
Post # 9
I guess I don’t understand. So you walk out naked, grab his John Hancock and he’s like “Sorry dear, why don’t we try around 8pm after this weeks episode of NCIS?”
He’s not like secretly suffering from ED and needing time to take medicine or something right?
Post # 10
I’ve been in a similar boat, marrying someone with a lower libido. I really hate the implication that it’s a problem he needs to go get fixed at the doctor (though of course it’s a possibility). No one would tell a woman that. And as unsexy as it is, I can see putting it off until later… wanting to bathe first or wanting to fall asleep after and need/want to get some things done beforehand. Spontaneous sex may seem gross if you know your balls have been sweating all day.
I’d recommend putting on some sexy gear while he’s already in the shower. It takes one excuse away. If he doesn’t get a boner from that, there probably is a deeper issue to be addressed (just based on what works in my house)
Post # 11
Yeah, women can also suffer from low libido due to any number of medical causes. Where you get the idea that *no one* would have the common sense to start with a health check is a mystery. Speak for yourself, Bee.
Low sex drive in a young, healthy male is not the norm. It may be *his* normal, but no one can determine that until physical causes are ruled out. Basic stuff.
Post # 12
I don’t mean no one ever in all the world. I mean here on the bee, if a guy is pushing for sex. The woman is told he needs to respect her boundaries (and he does!) but she’s not also told to get a checkup. It’s a double standard and you’re delusional if you think otherwise (I’d be more polite but you weren’t).
Post # 13
I tend to agree with you. Even if this is a medical issue, suggesting he see a doctor about his penis right out of the gates is unlikely to be well received. And I don’t think that has anything to do with gender…I wouldn’t receive it well either if my husband suggested I see a doctor during our first conversation about this type of issue.
I think easing into that discussion would be smarter. Imo the first step should be an honest conversation where OP tells him how she’s feeling and they try to reach some kind of compromise. Perhaps they could agree on a time of day/days of the week where sex is “on the table” – so OP waits for those times to initiate. For example, I don’t like spontaneous sex right before bed because I’m tired AF and just want to sleep. If my husband puts the moves on me late at night there’s a 99% chance he will be rejected. He knows that I’m much more receptive earlier in the evening or in the morning, so if he’s going to initiate, that’s when he does it. Maybe you guys could figure out something like that where there are restrictions in place about when you have sex, but also still room for some spontaneity?
If you try working on this for awhile and nothing improves, at that point I do think it would be worth raising the idea of going to the doctor, but I really wouldn’t start with that.
Post # 14
This is why I think waiting until you’re married to have sex is a bad idea. A man who’s willing to forgo sex until marriage is often a man who’s willing to forgo sex until the end of time. It’s just not that important to them. I doubt that talking to him will have much effect, as you’ve made him aware of your needs on previous occasions.
Post # 15
that is kind of a bold assumption.
100% of the couples I know that waited until marriage to have sex (my husband and I included) did so for religious reasons.
In that case, I don’t think it has anything to do with a lack of sex drive at all.