- 1 year ago
- Wedding: October 2017
Ladies. I need a little bit of an outside perspective.
My hubby and I are married almost a year and I’ve become very anxious about what lies ahead for us. When we got married I had high hopes, dreams and the two of us had a vision of what we wanted – kids, a business to ensure our kids will one day have something to fall back on. I’ve learned over our time as a married couple that his parents don’t have any regard for boundaries. And I’ve also come to terms with the fact that his mom doesn’t like me. Given that he is a mommas boy – I probably should have expected it. Whenever Mother-In-Law and I are alone together she throws unsolicited advice, opinions and basically insulting comments on me. She doesn’t do this in front of anyone, only when we are alone. The first time she did it, I stood up for myself and asked her to kindly not give advice and/or opinions on my marriage with my husband, as she has no perspective of what really goes on in our house and it’s between me and my husband. I wasn’t cruel, just firm but diplomatic. She “burst out crying” (fake) just as everyone returned to the table. Since then it’s been rocky between me and my husband when it comes to his mother. If I feel upset at her comments and it makes me cry when we finally get home, my husband would get upset with me and ask “what is your problem with my mother”!? I can’t speak to him if his mom was rude to me. Honestly, I feel like she’s bullying me, but I have no one in my corner. His parents pitch up at our home unannounced. I’d be in my pj’s or busy with something in the house and suddenly they pitch up and I have to drop everything, run to get dressed appropriately… I’ve asked him to tell his parents to please call before they come over, but he’ll get upset and tell me this is his house too and his family is welcome! or, “fine, I’ll tell my parents not to come over” – which isn’t what I asked – I just want them to call before they rock up. Honestly, I’ve decided next time they drop-in, I will not run upstairs and change and answer the door as I am. I’m hoping that I’ll be wearing my tiny pj’s when this happens.
The problem is, in the first year of our marriage his family has intruded on every aspect of our life. And the biggest problem is that he shares EVERYTHING with them. They live close by so he visits often. A big example is that they meddled into a business that we were building and have lost at the end of the day. My husband and I were a team when we started the business, but soon it became something he and his parents would sit and discuss and suddenly they are having discussions and making decisions about our business that I wasn’t even involved with. He’d visit them almost daily and they would discuss the business and finances and decisions for going forward while I was at work. They drove a wedge between me and my husband. All of a sudden it is decided his dad (who is retired) would work in our business and I had no say. If I spoke to hubby about my concerns or reminded him about the decisions and vision we had about our company and the future we wanted to build for ourselves – he would get irritated or ignore me. We had huge fights. Eventually, I gave up and let him be. It was obvious to me that his family has taken over and my opinion was no longer needed. Yes, you can say I backed off out of spite – but I also just gave up completely and decided to leave them to do as they pleased. The business collapsed and my hubby has been sitting without a job for about a year now. He’s been working from home, generating an income. But just enough to cover the month. He doesn’t seem to want to think farther ahead than that. Today he is angry at me because “we weren’t a team” and I “just left them with the business” – I was shocked at his ignorance and we had another fight because he obviously decided to get his family involved in our business and when I decided to let them run it as they wished, and it collapsed – he blamed me. I don’t think we’ve resolved this completely and I do believe that he is ignoring his part in the failure and blaming me entirely.
Since all of this, I feel like I can’t trust my husband anymore. I don’t feel safe with him in the sense that we can build a future together. I don’t feel like we’ll have anything that would be “just ours” as he overshares everything with his parents and his mother is always gossiping about other family members and makes sure she always finds out from her son how we are and what we are doing, and what’s going on in our lives. I don’t think we will ever be a team, and I don’t feel like I want to build another business or anything with him. He betrayed my trust but putting his family ahead of our lives every time.
I feel insecure about starting a family with him because 1, he’s been “jobless” the past year and isn’t covering more than just the expenses. He’ll work in the morning for a few hours and after that take the rest of the day off (instead of trying to build a client base or get more business going). He doesn’t want to work for a boss again, but I don’t feel like he’s really putting in an effort to provide a future for us. And 2, if we have kids I feel like it’s just another aspect of our lives where his parents can meddle into. I can imagine not being able to afford to take our kid to a nice daycare and having to leave our child with my Mother-In-Law while I’m at work – and I hate that. I want our kids to get an early start at social development and skills development. His parents also don’t respect boundaries and I don’t want our baby to be kissed on the mouth one day or introduce sugar to their diets for at least the first two years of their lives. My inlaws will, without a doubt, feed my kids sugar and everything else we don’t want them to be exposed to. They will not respect my wishes as the mother. I can already hear my inlaws tell my kids “don’t tell mommy about this” – as these are already discussions they are having with my husband – “don’t tell your wife, son.” My husband is expected to keep secrets from me, and I can already see them breaking my boundaries as a parent and expecting my kids to learn to keep secrets from mommy and daddy. I can even see them popping in unannounced at our home when the baby is asleep or when we are trying to get into a routine and my Mother-In-Law commenting about everything wrong or dirty in the house and shove more unsolicited advice and opinions on me while I’m trying to cope with being a new mom.
I don’t know if I want to have kids when this is the future I imagine. I wanted a family so badly – but the anxiety that will come with it just isn’t worth it to me.
Our friends are all pregnant or have kids… and now hubby is putting pressure on me because we don’t have kids. I’ve told him about my concerns but he just gets irritated with me and sulks “so I’m never going to be a dad because the circumstances are not ideal”. I’ve told him its not about ideal – it’s basic concerns that need to be addressed. Boundaries that we need to set and unfortunately, yes, he needs to get up and provide a future for our family. He just sulks and it feels like my message to him is not sinking in. I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to give him a child with the hopes that it might inspire him to suddenly work hard on providing and become a “man” – I don’t think that’s really smart. I know some men become fathers and suddenly it’s like a wake-up call for them to step up – but for me… I don’t see that happening. What do I do? He wants kids so badly but my anxiety and concerns are just really making me think twice about it. Am I being unreasonable? I feel selfish for denying him a family, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel fair to put a child in this situation. I’m thinking about going for counseling myself, speak to someone. But I would like to know what you ladies think as I’m beginning to lose sleep over all of this.