Uncertain about the future.

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

Your husband sounds like an absolute child (I’m sorry). Allowing his parents, mostly mom, to treat you that way? He is obviously always going to take his family’s side on everything. He doesn’t have a job but wants a child because his friends do? Mature. When you tell him to please ask your parents to give a little warning before they come over translate into “fine then they will never come over again”. It’s honestly like dealing with a kid having a temper tantrum. Bee, I was married to this man. Not the nightmare parents but the immaturity, being a mamas boy and just plain old selfish. I was married less than a year and I got divorced because I knew I deserved better. I deserved a partner in life. We were together 10 years before marriage. I understand it’s hard to leave but bee, you’re setting yourself up for a life of unhappiness! 

Post # 3
Member
2665 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
mizzqbee :  sorry this is a lot to unload.  I absolutely think your decision to wait on kids is the right one.  It sounds like you need marriage counseling and to throw some serious distance between him and his family.  Since he’s not working, could you guys move for him to get employment (a drastic measure but it may be necessary).  He needs to understand that his relationship with you has to be #1 over his relationship with his parents, which he obviously does not.  He’s also acting very immature over a really basic request (having them call before they come over). I’d be livid if my in-laws just showed up at my house!!!

Unfortunately until he understands to put you before his family, this will not change. It comes down to wether he is willing to do that, and if he can learn to do it, or not.  

Post # 4
Member
3422 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
mizzqbee :  Life is too short for this massive amount of unhapiness and disappointment. Particularly with a “husband” who shows clear signs he is unwilling to change.

Consider very seriously closing this chapter of your life and giving yourself the opportunity – when you’ve “cleansed”  yourself of this toxic experience – to have a healthier and more satisfying relationship.

Post # 5
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Do not have kids with him. Your Mother-In-Law will absolutely ignore any rules you set in place for you children and your husband has already proven that he will not back you up when it comes to his mother.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I would not be able to continue a marriage like this. I would first suggest counseling but if he is not willing to get on board with being a teammate with you, and setting rock solid boundaries with his family, I don’t see this ever being a good marriage and you’ll both be miserable as long as it goes on. If he doesn’t agree to counseling and show real progress and change in his behavior, I’d be out the door. You deserve a true partner in your life, not to be a third wheel in your own marriage.

Post # 7
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I think I edited my comment too much and it disappeared, I kept thinking of things to add a few times. I clicked back and copied it, maybe this will show up and hopefully not be a double post:

I divorced my ex husband because of this. This was the main reason. He is not acting like a married man, he’s acting like a child. His mummy and daddy need to take a back seat. And even him looking at what the Joneses are doing “but everyone else is having kids?! What about mee?!” Seriously, you’re the accessory to his life. Not a partner. Him being married shows he’s “normal” to everyone else. His parents need to BUTT. OUT. You are not unreasonable. I even waited over 10 years for marriage, thinking oh maybe he’ll change. No. So, when you two have kids, you can expect nothing to change. Honestly, with men like this, what happens is the mother in law is treated like the mother of the children, and she often will happily appoint herself as such. Do not proceed unless things change, which they may not. Utimatum time, counseling or it’s over, because he needs it. It might not help, but it could. I’m sure if he ran this idea by his parents, they’d offer to be the counselor! (this happened to me, my ex husband never went with me). Also, you can go to marriage counseling alone. 

Post # 7
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

Wow.  After reading all of that, I have to say I’m a little surprised there’s still a question at the end.  There would be no question for me.  None. 

Post # 8
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Urg sounds like my ex-husbands parents. They had a house  key and walked into our living room without even knocking. Who even does that!? This only started happening after getting married, but the signs of being a mummies boy were there, but I was too young to notice. No regrets ending that marriage. I cringe everytime I think of that horrible controlling family. Dodged a bullet not having kids with him.

Don’t have kids with a man that is still being treated like a child by his parents.

Post # 9
Member
2048 posts
Buzzing bee

Hold off having kids.  Marital counseling.  You may find more specific advice for specific flare ups at DWILnation.  Dealing with in-laws.  Google it.  It’s a forum group dedicated to these issues.  I’ve never visited but many bees recommend it.

Post # 10
Member
2048 posts
Buzzing bee

Just seconding above.  This marriage is on track for divorce as-is.  This is not sustainable short of you burying your human identity and fading to becoming a shadow.

Post # 11
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee

Why are you with this man still? What does he add to your life?

It’s a cliche around here but definitely true: you don’t have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. Your husband does not see an issue with his family if origin, with how they act, or with how they treat you. He has a problem with you trying to set and enforce healthy boundaries. With the description of how he responds to you, honestly? I don’t think this marriage is salvageable. Your husband would have to completely change not only his behaviors with his family, but the underlying attitudes and beliefs. That’s a lot of work for someone who would be willing to try. It doesn’t even sound like your husband is willing because he sees you as the problem. 

Bee, I’m a divorced mom. My ex is still the same terrible “coparent” he was when we were married. He still does all the maddening things with regards to the kids that he did when we were married. I cry sometimes thinking that I have to put up with his shite and the way he treats me as a coparent for 8 more years (my younger one is 10). You have a chance to avoid this. Please, do not have children with this man. It wouldn’t be fair to you or the potential children. 

Post # 12
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think counseling can help you, honestly. Your husband has no respect for you, and “doesn’t want to work for a boss” so does just the bare minimum to help keep a roof over your heads, and that’s it.

 

I don’t think these are fixable problems, Bee.

Post # 13
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
mizzqbee :  I think you’re being very smart to examine your situation and put TTC on hold until you feel it’s right, if it ever is.

Your idea of seeking counseling for yourself is a good first step.  It can help you sort out the main issues that need to be addressed, and also identify the part you play in all of this.  Because you should make no mistake, you do play a role in the dysfunction.

If he’s willing, he should see a therapist separately as well.  I imagine he’s got a lot to address with family of origin issues, as well as possible depression around his failed business venture. 

Finally you should probably consider couples counseling to learn how to communicate more effectively and get back to a place where you are on the same page.  Because right now the 2 of you are not even reading the same book. 

Post # 14
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee

Your husband is married to his parents–not you. He’s also very flippant, disrespectful, and quite frankly, childish. You don’t want to have a child with someone like that. You can try counseling but honestly divorce may be the best option because he doesn’t respect or want to prioritize you and counseling can’t fix that. 

Post # 15
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I’m not trying to get too religious here but there is a good point to be made about marriage. In the Bible, when two become married, they become one, and you form a new family, leaving your own. This means that your marriage is your new family and your priority. This doesn’t mean you are separated by your family entirely, but it means that your marriage comes first. This means he should trust and listen to your feelings before his mothers, because you guys are now one and a family. I think because there is still a separation, this is causing undue hardship on your marriage when it shouldn’t be that way. I don’t think what your husband is doing his healthy for himself or your marriage. I think maybe you should see a couple a counselor about this. Dealing with family can be stressful. I have toxic family members that I refuse to introduce to my fiancé because I don’t want them to impact my happiness. Its so much harder with a mother in law, and I feel for you. Sending support.

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