Uncertain about the future.

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I would say that this isn’t fixable if it wasn’t for knowing a couple who had almost identical problems who did fix their marriage.  But it will depend on him being willing to cooperate.

I think the problem is that you both have very different cultural expectations of marriage.  And now you are actually married those expectations are causing huge issues because they are polar opposites.  You need counselling, and you need to be able to agree compromises and boundaries with his family.  But for this to work, he does need to be willing to listen, and to put some work in, and to change.  I hope you are able to work through this together.

Post # 17
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Oh, Bee. What a miserable situation. I see only two choices: marriage counseling or divorce attorney. I imagine you’ll end up with the divorce lawyer anyway, but you should give it a shot. Your husband is still so tightly bound to his parents and sounds so uninterested in becoming less so (and in adulting in general) it’s hard to imagine him making a real effort here. I’m sorry, Bee. I hope he wakes up and commits to your marriage. 

Post # 18
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m sorry you’re going through this. How long did you date before marriage ? Surely some of these issues were present before you got married? It sounds like you two had different expectations about married life and family boundaries. Unfortunately I agree with pp that you have a husband problem not in law problem. Unless he is able to open his eyes and see what’s happening and why it’s a problem, then I think you’re just talking to a wall. He’s already figured that you’re the problem, not his parents. You’ve become the bad guy. The only way forward is marriage counselling or divorce. Lay your cards on the table and present that choice to him. His response will give you your answer. Definitely don’t get pregnant

Post # 19
Member
9443 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

That sounds absolutely miserable.

I would two card him – he can either call a marriage counselor or he can call a divorce lawyer. His reaction will tell you a lot about whether it’s even worth trying counseling. 

Post # 20
Member
1818 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Counseling only works if he sees a problem and is willing to make changes. Even if your husband makes changes, the in laws will still be an issue. I’d just leave this petulant man child. He’s not just taking his family’s side, he’s not even nice to you. I don’t see any love in this relationship. Your husband wants a procreating doormat. 

Post # 21
Member
7222 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yes to counseling for yourself.

But I don’t know what kind of counseling can help a grown man recognize he isn’t a child and his mommy and his daddy should not be included in his marriage.

With everything going on in the world right now, I would be feeling like life is too short for this man and this set of problems. I’d pack him up and send him back home. His parents can finish raising him or keep him indefinitely or go on dates with him and his next unfortunate partner.

There was an old thread on DWIL about a young woman who was engaged and her Fiance invited his mother on their romantic getaway. Another Bee just shared it a few weeks back. Her guy sounds like your guy, so you may want to check it out. (Her guy ended up dumped, just FYI). 

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541

Post # 23
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I would not start a family with him as things are. He needs to give A LOT or maybe you should reconsider the future you have together. 

Post # 25
Member
18 posts
Newbee

My Ex-Husband was the exact same way.  I dealt with everything you are but not only from her….his sisters as well.  They all controlled him because he was not strong enough mentally to stand up for himself let alone me or our marriage.

 

This is what eventually lead to our marriage breaking down and then divorce.  

Post # 26
Hostess
4572 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
mizzqbee : Just want to add to the chorus of bees saying you are not crazy or unreasonable to be upset by this behavior.  I couldn’t handle my husband acting like this. It sounds like you are doing what is best for you and that is 100% what you should be doing right now.  Life is short and I wish you peace in whatever decision you make. 

Post # 27
Member
648 posts
Busy bee

What strikes me as untenable here is the way he deals with conflict: blowing or sulking.

He acts, from your dwscription, like an ill-behaved toddler. What could this petulant man-child teach a child?

Post # 28
Member
10394 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

F

View original reply
mizzqbee :  

Well op, if you think counselling will change him, really change him, so that he puts you first, does not allow his mother to instruct and lecture you, does not any longer run to his parents to discuss business that should just be between you two and does not sulk or get angry when crossed, then fine try it. 

Frankly l don’t think any counsellor on earth could achieve that unless and until your husband actually saw his behaviour as a problem and l don’t see that he does. Actually, he regards you as the problem doesn’t he? I think counselling, even if he agreed to it , would do nothing, except perhaps cement your realisation that you can’t/won’t live like this anymore . 

l think it’s one of those sad situations where love is just not enough ( my own first marriage was like that, tho for different reasons ) and that leaving him is inevitable. Just make triple sure there is no child in the mix. 

Post # 29
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
mizzqbee :  

For full disclosure, I would be very surprised if these issues resolved sufficiently to save the marriage.  It’s in a terrible state right now.  I mentioned counseling for two reasons, first being that sometimes it works even if in a case like this, saving this marriage is unlikely.  Second, for me, marriage is a serious commitment.  I would not feel comfortable walking away if I hadn’t done my best to salvage things.  Abuse issues are different.  My counsel is to get out ASAP when there’s abuse.  I don’t detect abuse by what’s been described so far, although it’s high in the “disrespectful” category.  In any case, while the chance of a fantastic turn around may be low, I would want to at least suggest therapy and give it a go so I could know that I did my part.  And if he wouldn’t do his, either by refusing to go or refusing to participate in a productive manner, then I would feel free to leave without regrets or second guessing myself.  Divorce can be so painful.  I think sometimes the peace of mind can be worth the delay that comes along with giving it an honest try before checking out even when the try is a long shot.  It’s really a case specific thing.  And at the same time, this is a train wreck, and I personally wouldn’t have any judgment to give if you just left. Nobody should judge you critically over backing away from this mess.  It’s all up to you.

Post # 30
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
LindyS :  I’m sorry but the bible really doesn’t say that you leave your old family behind or that your parents opinions can be brushed aside. It’s quite the opposite in fact. Your new spouse is added to your existing family, which includes your parents and others.

This seems like a rather convienent modern interpretation of the bible which isn’t actually true.

Having said that I think he is in the wrong to ignore her feelings.

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