- 3 years ago
I am in some kind of LDR but I don’t really know if we are together or not. There are many different problems including his financial situation (some time ago he said that he would marry only if he gets a good job). He doesn’t like to talk about it and just said that he needs some time, so I am waiting. Also, I am a PhD student and don’t have time to visit him often.
Honestly I don’t have any other friends except him. I am struggling with social anxiety and until very recently, I didn’t even talk to people. Now I am in a therapy for some months, there is no miracles but sometimes I feel slightly better.
Now I got some courage and started to talk to others. I thought it could be nice to meet new people (so that maybe one day I’d have friends), thus I went to a museum with one guy with whom I started to talk some time ago in a Facebook group (we went out stating explicitly that we are going just as friends).
This turned out to be really nice, but I got very emotional about it because I suddenly realized how easier it would be if I had relationship with someone who lives close. And also, this guy made a hint that he would like to be more than friends but I told him that I am already seeing someone, and now I am feeling sad about this.
The thing is, I believe that I shouldn’t have any relationship right now. I messed up several times in the past because of my mental struggles and don’t want to get hurt or to hurt others again. I didn’t want to hurry with any decision, that’s why I didn’t want to do anything about my LDR and thought to just put it on hold until I can finally visit my boyfriend again and discuss. But that will be not very soon. I thought that I can manage alone well and until now, I didn’t have any wish for intimacy and LDR seemed to be enough. And now with this new guy, I suddenly started to think that it would be nice to have someone close so that I can at least hug him and cuddle (and I feel guilty for that).
Why I am writing this, mostly because I need some support now and wanted to vent…