Post # 1
In my culture, it’s traditional for the brother of the bride to play a significant role in the ceremony. Problem is, my brother and I are not on very good terms at the moment. Over the past year, he’s been super rude to me many times, made me feel unwelcome in his home, has not made an effort to get to know my fiance at all and has not offered to do one single thing for our wedding.
In going over the wedding ceremony plan, my mom is insisting that my brother play this significant role (and stay with tradition). I’m very uneasy about it. Even if he participates, I’m sure he’s going to do so with a long face. I don’t want that bad vibe around me on my wedding day. Already, whenever I hang out with him, I come back home to my fiance and am either crying, super pissed off about something he said or trying to be indifferent and not let his actions get to me.
The deal is — I’ve been busting my a** for months, months to prepare for this wedding. My fiance has too. We’ve put so much effort, and time and love into the preparations. We want the event to be awesome. I want to be super happy and the last thing I want is to look over and see my brother looking uncomfortable or long-faced. Not on my wedding day.
My mom has told me not to worry about it — that she would talk to him and tell him to start acting mature and step up. But like I said, even if he participates, he’ll be uncomfortable or long-faced.
Not really sure what I should do. Am I making a big deal out of a molehill in thinking he will hijack my special day? Should I just be more graceful and let him have a part in the ceremony?
As for why he’s upset with me, I’m not really sure. He’s been upset with me for about a year, and I think it has something to do with him not feeling like I was supporting him during his divorce, not being there enough for his child (I visit every week now), and being jealous of the love and happiness my fiance and I have. When I invited him to our legal ceremony (preceding our main wedding), he responded saying, “I can’t believe you are having the ceremony around the same date as my anniversary and having it in the same location where I proposed to XXX.” I also asked him if he could help with a slideshow and he responded by saying he never got that at his wedding. (He didn’t but I was up until 3 a.m. the day of his wedding, running around for him. He hasn’t offered to help once.)
Post # 3
Perhaps this will be the turning point for your brother and he will put this childish behavior aside and be there for you?
Either way, if I were you, I’d personally talk to him before your wedding and see if you can’t clear the air with him. If he still has a negative attitude I’d be wary of letting him participate if he upsets you so.
Post # 4
@carebee: It’s possible, but what on earth do I say to him? Plus, a part of me is so stressed with the wedding 2 months away…I want to run the other way when I think of having a stressful conversation with him. : /
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
Your brother’s been married so he should at least appreciate the gravity of a wedding. You definitely need to try and talk things out with him, even if it means apologising for things you don’t think you did wrong just to move on.
If you try and really can’t talk things out with your brother, then I say one lady will be upset at this wedding: your mum or you. Personally I think you deserve to be selfish on your One Big Day!!
Just wondering, according to your culture what if you don’t have a brother/ any siblings?
Post # 6
It’s hard to tell exactly what’s up with the limited information we have here. But honestly, my impression reading this is that he’s crushed from going through a divorce. I haven’t gotten a divorce, but can only imagine it would be really really hard to function and stay afloat during one. And then having your sister there planning her wedding, in the same area, etc would be extra difficult.
I imagine it’s probably somewhat like having repeated miscarriages or fertility issues and being asked to plan and actively host a baby shower.
Be patient, be understanding. And consider at least the possibility that what I’m saying is true and it’s just not really even about you. I would also caution you from accusing him of “just being jealous.”
Post # 7
Are you guys still close? It sounds like he’s being difficult, but that you’re also still hanging out with him on a regular basis. If this is just a recent problem, I would still have him in the wedding. If you’re just not that close, never have been and never will be, I wouldn’t.
Post # 8
I think if both you and your mother talk to him, it will be ok. Does he still want to fulfil that traditional role? I know you said you talked to your mum about it and she said to have him do it, and that you aren’t sure if you want him to, but why don’t you ask him whether he wants to do it or not, if he feels comfortable? I am sure whether he does that role or not he will be very supportive of you on your big day 🙂 and this is not your mother’s decision to make. It is you, your FI’s, and partially, your brother’s. Good luck!
Post # 9
I would first try to smooth things over with him. He is your brother and it sounds like you guys were close at some point in the past. However, if he doesn’t come around I probably wouldn’t include him :-/.
I have a problem with my stepsister and as a result I am not even inviting her to my wedding. I can totally relate to the whole ‘bad vibe’ feeling. She typically is a downer when it comes to ANYthing regarding anyone else other than herself (this is not the reason I’m not inviting her, it just adds to it) and I really don’t want to have any bad vibes at all on my wedding day. This is one of the most important days of your life and you don’t deserve to have to deal with people having a bad attitude/being difficult on your day.
Post # 10
@MrsYoshida: Then, a male cousin (what is called a cousin-brother) would do the rite. Of course, if I had a male cousin do it in this case, it would raise a lot of eyebrows, since everyone knows I have a brother. I’m not opposed to my brother having a very small role in the ceremony — in fact, I want him included and would feel bad if he wasn’t. After all, he’s still my brother. But the way that the ceremony is set up now (by my uncle and my mom), he has a moderate role. And I’m not comfortable with that, the way things have been going with him.
Post # 11
@Mrs.LemonDrop: This is true, but the marriage dissolved a year and a half ago. He has gone through a rough time, but trust me, he has been nice to *everyone* except me since that time. (He has since flown out for different weddings for friends, etc.)
I never said anything cruel to him during the whole process. I should add that I also have a friend flying out from halfway across the world — her marriage is breaking up, yet she’s stepping up to be there for me. Another friend is separating from her husband a month before our wedding. She is being there for me. Another person I know just got out of an emotionally abusive marriage — and the last time I saw her, she was asking me all sorts of questions about the wedding and was genuinely excited for me.
Post # 12
@AlwaysSunny: That’s a good question. We used to be “best friends” years ago — before he met his ex-wife. People used to see us and wish they had a sibling relationship like we did. I think that’s why it hurts me so much. Basically, when he met his ex-wife, he stopped hanging out with me so much. In fact, one time he left me hanging on the phone when he got a call from her. Then, when he got a divorce, he suddenly seemed to expect that our family would be around for him all the time.
I’m only hanging out with him because I choose to visit his son on a weekly basis, so that relationship doesn’t suffer. I go over to my brother’s house for that, so sometimes, he’s home when I’m there. It’s always super awkward when we see each other. We just say hello (sometimes, he doesn’t even say hello) and goodbye. I’ve tried to make small talk about the wedding, but he doesn’t seem enthused to talk about it. Already, he told me he would have to “psych himself up” for our smaller legal ceremony a week before the main wedding.
Post # 13
@Jacqui90: I like your approach of asking him if he would be comfortable taking on this role. I’ll talk to my mom about taking that route. That way, it’s not on me saying “I don’t want him in our wedding.” If he doesn’t want to do it, it’s on him to bear that decision. Plus, we only want people in our wedding ceremony who are genuinely happy for us. I want all good vibes around me that day!!!
Post # 14
@littleacorn: I am sure there will be loads of good vibes, it’s your wedding day 🙂