Uncomfortable at work happy hours and social outings

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee

Why do you want to hang out with them if you don’t like what they do for fun and just want to go home? I don’t get it.

Post # 3
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
glutton :  

I would not expect this group of people to suddently start being the “planning” type just because I need more notice, or for them to change which day they socialize because I want to go home on Friday, or don’t have a car to make it in.

Why don’t you organize an after work event during the week so that you can still socialize with them, but not on a Friday and not on a whim? 

Post # 4
Member
2173 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree, can you not organize a get together for them on a night that  works for you? I think asking an entire dept that works together day in and out to rearrange just for you is asking a lot. And if you don’t like going to these events, why are you stressed that you can’t attend? Just, don’t go and don’t worry about how it is perceived. They were doing these outings before you starting wanting to collab, and they’ll continue to do them whether you attend or not– not trying to be rude, but just putting it into perspective.

Post # 7
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee

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glutton :  You don’t need to go get drunk with them after work to collaberate on work projects. 

Post # 8
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

I get it. I’m an introvert too. My group at work always seems to be setting up after work drinks and get togethers and I’d rather just go home and chill in my own space. There is that feeling that you should be present and that you should want to socialize with the group. It is kind of important to have that feeling of inclusion at work. And to be part of the team.

All I can say is to find a way to be present sometimes and to pick and choose your battles. If you miss one or two outings then you may need to go out of your way to make it out the next time. For me, there’s never a perfect time. It’s just not generally how I want to spend my free time, as great as my colleagues are. But I do it because I want to connect with them and don’t always want to be a party pooper.

And I don’t have kids either so no real excuses. Sometimes its what you do to solidify your place at work and to connect with people and groups that will help you further your career.

Post # 10
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
glutton :  Lol..  totally get it. I live it everyday. Working as a consultant, I support Senior managers and Diectors. You can’t exactly disappear all the time. Sometimes you’ve just gotta suck it up and put a smile on. Not EVERY time but enough that you can connect socially and create relationships on a personal as well as business level too.

Post # 12
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ll be honest, I’m pretty extroverted, and I genuinely like most of my coworkers, but I skip out on the vast majority of this kind of stuff. I see these people 40 hours a week, that is enough for me.

I have gone to some happy hours, but some on my team have done the wine and paint things, or bingo nights, and have expressed wanting to do more activities like that, which take up almost an entire evening. It’s one thing to swing into a happy hour, drink a beer, then head out, even if it’s on a Friday when you want to go home (which, go home if you want and don’t feel bad about it – I am more expressing my own thoughts about it), but it’s another to commit an entire night to an activity. I don’t have children either, but I have a dog that I have to let out, I have a husband I like to see, typically I have dinner to cook or pick up, I work out 3 times a week, and then I like to see my actual friends. I don’t think that just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean your “excuse” is any less valid. You have a LIFE you’d like to go live outside of the crazy amount of time you already spend every week at work. That’s all the validity you need to say no if you don’t want to do something.

Post # 13
Member
2629 posts
Sugar bee

I’m quite introverted and pre-scheduled as well, and I’ve found with this kind of thing you just have to suck it up and pick your battles a bit. 

The whole group isn’t going to suddenly change how they socialize because of one person that isn’t even in their department. So if you want to connect with them you’re going to have to do it on their terms, at least for now. Go to the ones that you CAN make – even if you don’t feel like it or worked from home – but don’t worry if you’ve made plans already. I really don’t think being at all of them is necessary to build a work relationship. 

Then if you do wind up being more a part of the team, they may be more flexible or you can set your own dates for get togethers with more advance notice. 

But for now, go with the flow. Trying to get them all to change their routines for you is not going to make you any friends. 

Post # 14
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
glutton :  If you want the benefits of socializing with this department, you’re going to have to accommodate how they socialize. Trying to organize something yourself is a great idea. I would definitely give that a try because it shows initiative and that you are interested in spending time with them. If it gets a lukewarm response though, you’ll need to consider that maybe they just prefer the way they do it. A lot of people consider Friday happy hour to be a great segueway from the work week into the weekend. You’re talking shop with colleagues, but you’re eating, drinking, and relaxing. It’s a nice transition. Going out on Tuesday or Wednesday though, knowing you have to be back at the office in the morning, that’s just a meeting that you aren’t getting paid for. 

Post # 15
Member
5643 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I imagine it is just a lot easier to plan it last minute as and when people are free and can go.  Feel free to plan your own thing but it seems weird that you question how these people have the time for a drink after work yet you want them to plan something on the weekend to suit you?  People do things after work with coworkers as it is much easier and they do things like happy hours because it is unstructured and people can pop in and out when it suits them. 

This isn’t even your department so it seems odd to get bent out of shape with how they socialize. 

Any coworker socializing has been pretty casual like this, I would never expect something with coworkers to be scheduled weeks in advance and involve an outlook invitation.  That sounds more like an actual working event. 

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