- 3 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
I’m asking for some friend advice! Let me preface this by saying I am not dictating who you can be friends with.
My husband and I moved last year to a new city, the other side of the country from my family at the start of 2017. My best friend lives in same city and this is the first time in 6 years we have lived this close to each other. Not long after we arrived, my husband deployed for 10 months. During this time, I became really good friends with his military work friends and their wives (a group of all couples). It is a very social group and there is usually one (if not more) get togethers a week. Being military and having my husband away after reolcating across the country, this became my main social group here. At the same time I was spending a lot of time with my best friend who lives in this city, A few months ago I had a birthday party and my best friend came. They all got along really well and she has been coming along to many of the social functions that have been arranged. I think this is awesome, I love that the social group I have here and my best friend get along so well. She has lived in this city for a lot longer than I have, she has other friends here who she has neglected since befriending the military group.
Two months ago, my best friend asked if she and I could take some space and not ‘do everything together’ because she felt that we were too co-dependant. I agreed that we were spending too much time together, she was single after a bad break up-my husband was deployed, we did most things together and we both needed some space. Now we talk and see each other every week instead of every other day. In this time my SO returned from deployment.
My best friend is an amazing woman and I love her to death. She has a very strong personality (she is also military but a different branch than my husband) and she tends to rub women the wrong way. She tends to act innappropirately with the males without worrying about their partners. She is usually overbearing, but there is overt flirting and loud obnoxious behaviour. She excuses it by saying its ok becuase she is military as well, that she is ‘just one of the boys’ and that it is ‘just the way she is’. This behaviour has been escalating lately to the point where she will completely dominate conversations, make demands, and make herself the centre of attention in group gatherings. This previously made other visably uncomfortable but this has been more apparent with her escalating bad behaviour. Its not a plesant thing to watch. A few comments have been made to me and I have noticed that she has stopped being invited to social functions by the others. My husband brought up her behaviour with me when he returned form deployment as well.
I am not saying that she can’t be friends with them, no-one can dictate who anyone can be friends with. The issue is, since asking to take some space, she been inviting herself along to social activities with my husbands work friends. So less time with me but more time with my SO work friends. This has included dinner parties, couple dates, boys drinks (all male-guys my SO works with) and BBQs. There are two of the guys that she get in contact with, she will ask them what the plan is then tell them she will meet us there. This has become her pattern of securing and invite. To be clear, she will is inviting herself. I havent invited her along in about 2 months, since she asked to ‘take some space’. Combine this with the escalating bad behaviour, and last night I took her out to dinner to discuss it. I asked her to take a step back, and spend some time with the other large group of friends she hasnt seen in this city for a while. She was understandably angry and upset, she couldnt understand why I would cut her off as they were her friends too. She made friends with this group but her behaviour has been making people in the group, especially the women uncomfortable for a long time. She understood that her behaviour was innappropriate and she was horrified that people had spoken to me about it. I know I did the right thing for my, my husband and my relationship with my best friend. But would anyone else have done the same thing in a similar situation? Speaking to her and asking her to take a step back?