Uncomfortable situation with best friend and 'friend poaching' Advice?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee

I think you did the right thing. Honesty is the best policy. 

Post # 3
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think it was good you spoke to her face to face. But she can’t expect to keep inviting herself out to group gatherings where people might need the break from her behaviour. What exactly is she doing? It’s embrassing to have people complain about someone you brought into their lives  

Post # 5
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Yikes, you did the right thing. There’s something off with her. How can you be that oblivious? Definitely not someone I would want to be around ever.

Post # 6
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
Aus_Bee :  I had a best friend like this and I had to tell her that I wasn’t going to tolerate bad behaviour when we were out because as a good friend you are an extension of me. And the things she did I would never do. She gets obnoxious and sometimes aggressive when drunk and would scream and swear at complete strangers. I understand what it’s like to have a best friend who you love but behaves badly in public. 

Post # 7
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This post made me cringe… I know exactly the type of person you’re talking about. Yikes! I probably wouldn’t have done what you did though, I would have been worse, I would have ghosted her years prior because I can’t handle confrontation. Lol I think you did the right thing, wish I had that kind of spine. 

Post # 8
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I’ve actually noticed this behavior in a lot of people I hang out with, except they all grew out of it after college. This “not like other girls” syndrome seems to happen a lot in people who are sort of having trouble pinpointing and being okay with who they are. Her asking for space from you actually seems to indicate that as well. Maybe that breakup caused her an identity crisis. I think you did completely the right thing. I’m sure she’s embarassed. I think she needs to find some single friends.

Post # 9
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
TeacupSeahorse :  

I think  this   “This “not like other girls” syndrome seems to happen a lot in people who are sort of having trouble pinpointing and being okay with who they are” . is very percipient and it may be that OP’s friend  is struggling with her  sexuality or other apect of her identity.

The ‘one of the  the boys ‘ thing plus the overtly sexual flirting  with the  boys   seems inconsistent  to say  the least . I  hope it all works out for them  all . 

Post # 11
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like she is going through some emotional stuff and doesn’t know how to cope with it. Comes out in obnoxious behavior, alienating her friends, drinking more than those around her, going home with a guy she just met, etc – she is hiding from her real emotions & trying to fill a void.  I have been this person and its a difficult place to be.

Please try to reach out to her in a way that is comfortable for you and for her. Encourage her to seek therapy if you can. You did do the right thing in being honest with her, yet now she might spiral even more out of control being “confronted” about it. Try to make it so she knows she is supported by you in whatever she might need. I know it can be difficult to be friends with someone who is exhibiting such rude behavior. I would put boundaries in place, like not go out/be out drinking with her, etc so she knows what to expect when she is around you. You are open to meet for coffee on such day at such time if she wants to talk about anything. 

I know everyone has their tolerance for such behavior, and I am by no means excusing it. I wanted to share that I see it in a different light, especially if she hasn’t always behaved to such a degree, something else is going on and she might not even know it.

Post # 12
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hm, that’s tough. I know you feel sort of responsible for her behavior since you introduced her to this group, but she invites herself to events through other people, not you, right? And she behaved herself back when she was your guest, so it’s not like you were always inflicting her on these people. While I get you were trying to nip the situation in the bud with the dinner, I think the guys she keeps reaching out to are the ones who are going to have to dodge the attempts for her to gate crash, or come right and tell her the event is not open to other people. If she’s making their wives uncomfortable they probably should do that anyway. She’s probably convinced herself you’re just jealous and territorial and she’s not truly unwelcome to these events.

 

ETA: I missed the part at the end that she recognized her bad behavior and was really embarrassed people had been talking about her. That changes my answer a bit. Yeah, that really sucks to be in your position, but she is embarrassing herself and it’s a kindness to tell her. Now she knows what behaviors she needs to keep in check in the future.

Post # 14
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Aus_Bee :  I’d also like to say, good on you. You did the right thing.

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