Post # 1
I’m at a loss for words… Help me, please…
I was recently invited to the second wedding of a friend of mine. We aren’t really close, she isn’t one of my best friends, but we are friends, none-the-less.
I have a MAJOR issue with this wedding. She was married for the first time in 2007. As she was having pictures taken for her first wedding, she was text messaging another man. At her reception, she got drunk and punched the groom in the face. She also wouldn’t let the groom (her new husband) spend the night with her in their hotel room, screaming that he didn’t love her.
Fast forward a week and they are on their honeymoon. She wouldn’t leave their hotel room. She spent her entire week and a half honeymoon sitting in a hotel room because she didn’t want to spend any time with her new husband. She returns from her honeymoon and proceeds to move in with the man that she was text messaging before her wedding, while starting the procedure for getting a divorce. She was "married" all of two and a half weeks. She didn’t return a single gift to the givers, never wrote a thank you, anything. In fact, she posted pictures on the internet of her hanging wedding gifts up in the new apartment with her new boyfriend.
Since this wedding, we haven’t talked much. I think her behavior was incredibly innappropriate and rude, and that she owes many people an apology. Then last week I get an invitation in the mail to this second wedding, to the man she was with during her first wedding. I was a little perplexed that she would be having a big ceremony and reception again, since her first one left such a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Turns out this one is actually bigger than her first wedding! The first wedding had 300 people invited, while she is inviting over 500 people.
I don’t feel comfortable going to this wedding. While I am still friends with her, I am also friends with her ex-husband. I had to watch him go through a terrible heartbreak (even though he had an idea of what was going on). I honestly don’t even want to send a card congratulating her. So why do I feel so bad about not doing either?
What would you do in this situation?
Post # 3
I would send my regrets and wish her happy in her new marriage. I would then be sure to invite her ex husband out to dinner with other mutual friends for that weekend. I personally do not see how you can call her your friend when you obviously dislike the person she has become since that time. It sucks because you are a losing a friend, but sometimes I believe you better off without people like that in your life.
Post # 4
just politely decline. I know you wanna tell her all about herself, but, take the high road.
Post # 5
I don’t see anything wrong with not attending a wedding in which you do not support the union of the bride and groom!
Post # 6
Just politely decline, be the better person, if you’re still friends with the ex, this is even more important, good luck! 🙂
Post # 7
I would just decline (no elaborate explanation needed) and send her some kind of generic greeting card. I definitely would not attend the wedding or send a gift–she sounds horrible!
Post # 8
Wow–I am in shock about her behavior!
I agree with Chela429 that you should send her your regrets (and not attend) and wish her well with a card. After all, you said she is still your friend, right? Of course you want her to be happy in her NEW marriage, even if she acted inappropriately with respect to her first marriage and wedding. And I think it is perfectly fine not to send a gift to her, given the circumstances. It seems that sending only a card would be a good compromise, one that accounts for your concerns aboth about her previous marriage and also about being her friend.
Post # 9
Wow, that’s a crazy story! Honestly, if I were in that situation I would decline the invite. And here’s why: 1)You said she’s your friend but you don’t talk much and you really don’t like her as a person. That doesn’t sound like a "real" friend to me… 2)You don’t support this marriage. and 3)That’s a seriously huge wedding!
Don’t feel bad about declining. If she is really your friend, she will understand that she put you in an uncomfortable situation (since you’re still friends with her ex). And if she complains about it, she probably isn’t that great of a friend anyway. You don’t have to be mean about it, but you don’t have to feel guilty about declining either. It’s perfectly fine to respectfully, and politely, say "no" on the RSVP. And don’t send a card out of pity either. You could just write a little note on the RSVP card saying, "We’ll be unable to attend. Good luck with your wedding." and leave it at that. You shouldn’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Post # 10
I am not being snarky, but if she is this kind of person why do you call her a friend? I’d run far from a person that behaves as such out of personal integrity and because I would never want people associating me with that kind of behavior.
As she is a friend, perhaps it would be wise to tell her that her actions are inappropriate. Being that she’s does this before, someone should say something
Post # 11
Wow. This has elicited that reaction A LOT. I think she’s a self-centered person with serious issues. She didn’t return the gifts?? WTF?? And now she’s inviting MORE people? She just wants…MORE GIFTS. Sad. I would just check the decline box, no explanation, no card, no nothing. She isn’t the kind of person you want to stay in touch with, that’s a TOXIC personality!
Post # 12
i agree- you should definitely decline. but i think you should still send a gift.
oh! i know!
how about a book on etiquette?
Post # 13
Yeah no go. What a drama queen! Send a card or something generic. Not worth any monetary value for sure. She got her gift. If she wanted something else she should have returned your first one and not been such a crazy person!
Post # 14
Wow..my xh remarried within DAYS of our divorce and became a dad again 3 mos later. Except for his business partner, her parents, his parents (enablers) and their immediate family NOBODY gave them a gift at their "wedding" (use the term loosely).
I too am shocked at her behavior.
My question is why would you include in your circle of friends somebody who has such a flippant attitude about marriage and didn’t even respect mutual friends enought to return their wedding gifts?
She sounds terribly selfish. I’m an encore bride to be, and I can’t say I think this encore wedding has much hope..it’s foundation is on quicksand…cheating and deception.
I today, have NO PROBLEM telling somebody if I do not wish to attend something and I definitely WOULD NOT WANT TO GO AND SUPPORT A UNION LIKE THIS. Nope. No way in heck.
For me, simply BEING there is like saying it’s ok what they did and that you’re GOOD WITH IT..and that the collateral damage (her poor xh and all the people she disrespected by not giving back their gifts) do not matter.
I have never had to cut out a friend in my life until this week..but maybe it’s time you did too.
Post # 15
Just politely decline with no explanation. Please do not send a gift, as she had no class the first time around. You are under no obligation to go and I sure would not!
Post # 16
- Wedding: September 2009 - Westwind YWCA camp
wow, people actually do that? I can’t understand someone who would purposefully get married when they know they’re more interested in someone else. What a waste of time and money (and precious years of your life!).
Anyways, like the other commentors, I think you should politely decline. Maybe she really likes attention – she’s obviously asking for more attention the second time around.