- 4 years ago
Okay, so this is a spinoff of another thread, it won’t let me comment on it and I figured this was big enough for it’s own thread anyways, so here it is.
I don’t understand relationships that expect their partners to have unconfitional trust and never have a moment that they might feel insecure, ever. I don’t know, if my SO were to question something that was bothering him, even if it was trivial, I would be more than happy to share whatever was needed to make him feel better with no judgement passed.
For instance, I’m not sure why this bothered him, it was just one of those things. I bought a little toothbrush travel pack to bring with me to work (I work overnight and often am just sitting in one position, and don’t always feel so fresh in the morning when it’s time to leave). I don’t like feeling like I’m all scummy when my relief comes in, so I bought the toothbrush thing and bring deodorant with me. My SO thought it was strange when he first saw that I kept a travel toothbrush in my purse. I could tell he seemed uncomfortable when he asked me what it was for. All it took was a simple “Oh, I bought it for work!” explanation and all was right with the world. My whole world and relationship did not come crashing down because he asked me a question that helped him feel more secure. I did teast him about it- we joke now that I only brush my teeth for my other boyfriend. But to get angry?
Had my FH ever asked “You wouldn’t cheat on me, would you?” I’d respond with “Only when you’re not home!” Haha. If it were a more serious matter, I would reassure him in whatever way I could that I would not cheat on him, and I’d ask to why he was feeling this way and what we could do together to help him get through it. Why would I be angry?
Most people in their lifetime have been burned by relationships. Most people have put up guards and defenses so they don’t get burned again. I feel like a healthy relationship is understanding these things, and working TOGETHER to tear down walls without judgement. Expecting your partner to unconditionally trust you no matter what seems crazy to me. I’ve told my FH before- If I ever start acting shady, changing my behavior, or doing things that make him uncomfortable (strip club would be one), he should call me out on that shit! Of course I would never intentionally hurt him, but if something is making him question me I want to know about it so we can fix it together. Even if the “suspicious” activity is all in his head, I don’t and will never expect him to be a perfect being who doesn’t sometimes feel vulnerable and insecure. Usually a simple conversation is all it takes to make someone feel secure again, and berating them for wanting to have that conversation seems backwards.
Giving someone the “I thought you trusted me, this can’t work” line is almost like saying “You should never question anything I do, no matter how odd or suspicious it may seem to you.” I even understand the breif lapse in judgement or downward negative thoguht spiral that can happen when there is a misunderstanding, even if it is irrational. I feel like making your SO feel secure would take precidence over making them feel bad. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes people feel insecure. Sometimes they ask questions. It doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal.
I’d just like to add that obviously, if this ia a recurring theme (like if they get suspicious of EVERYTHING or you have to explain yourself for EVERYTHING) or if your SO is STILL questioning you even after you talked, or if they start doing things like snooping or spying, then I can totally see where that could cause some major issues.
But brief instances of insecurity broguht on by uncomfortble situations (strip club, for example) that are easily dispelled with conversation? I definitely don’t think that merits a fight.