(Closed) Unconditional Trust- Would you be mad if your partner felt insecure?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I agree. At the start of our relationship, my Fiance was quite insecure. For good reason, his ex had cheated on him. It took awhile for him to fully let go of his insecurity. But we worked together at it and he’s fine now.

If I had been the one cheated on, I probably would have acted the same way towards him. It’s a normal reaction in my opinon.

Post # 4
4366 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would really hope that if my SO was feeling insecure, or uncomfortable with something, he would feel like he could ask me.

If he was asking me every day, that would be an issue….

Post # 5
940 posts
Busy bee

Personally I trust my partner unconditionally until he breaks the trust in some way. Then I’ll need reassurances over many trivial things. Misunderstandings can happen anytime and everyone has a different level of tolerance (on stuff like friendship boundaries with opposite sex, with exs, strip clubs etc), so I think it is understandable to feel insecure over something that is out of their personal comfort zone.

I agree that open communication should be prioritised over everything, you can’t work through what you can’t talk about. Just today a friend told me that her fiance has been inviting female friends to a scenic spot for photography (he’s a budding photographer looking to build a portfolio) and she was upset because he had not wanted to go there and made up loads of excuses when she wanted to go and now he’s inviting girls (with a free ride for them) behind her back for shoots at the same location. She felt that he wasn’t prioritising her/slightly jealous and he thinks that she’s “overreacting” and “distrustful” of him and she should trust him more. I thought that things could be easily cleared up with a conversation and a simple compromise instead of blaming the other party for not trusting or being bitchy about it.

I guess the only time I would get offended is if I’ve reassured many, many times over and my partner still isn’t convinced and gets insecure over the tiniest issue; in that case I would have to check if he has some deep set insecurities that are more serious. 


Post # 6
7441 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Agreed. I mean…if my partner was questioning me all the time, that would not be ok, but an occasional question or comment revealing an insecurity is totally normal I think. If I detect even the faintest glimmer of insecurity in my husband over something I’ve done, my instinct is to set his mind at ease immediately…not blow up at him for daring to feel that way. And he does the same for me. 

In that other thread, the more I think about it, I’m actually getting suspicious of the husband now. His reaction is just so over the top – all he had to do is ansewr with a light hearted joke or something to put his FI’s mind at ease but instead he blows a gasket and cancels the trip and now she feels guilty for daring to be a bit insecure about his Vegas strip club night. Not cool!

Post # 7
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
mingogo4 :  I guess it depends on the reason for it. I wouldn’t get angry but maybe a little hurt. But we’ve been together for over 7 years so I expect him to trust me. But he’s human so we’d talk about it.

Post # 8
6929 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree that everyone gets a bit insecure from time to time and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their trust in their partner. We all have these little ticks. And I think it’s good to have an open and honest relationship where you can discuss these things. But, as PPs have stated, if these insecurities are constantly popping up and you’re constantly questioning your partner, that’s a problem. 

However, if my partner ever SERIOUSLY questioned me about my faithfulness, I would be very hurt. We’ve been together over 6 years now and I just…that would be so out of left field. It would feel like a slap in the face that he could even possibly ever think something like that. I’m not saying we’d get divorced over it, but we’d need to have some serious discussions about his sudden lack of faith in me and our relationship. If he has an insecurity that is needling him that much, that’s not good. It would probably lead me to suggest some sort of couples counseling because obvious something isn’t working. 

Post # 9
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If my husband was feeling insecure about something in our relationship I would absolutely want him to come to me about it so we can talk and resolve the issue. The occasional insecurity wouldn’t bother me at all, it happens to most people. Constant insecurity with no reason just stemming from a lack of trust or respect or snooping to deal with it would really bother me though.

Post # 10
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I don’t have much to add, but I agree! Part of building trust (and continuing to have trust) in a relationship is open communication. Answering simple questions leads to openness and stronger trust in the longrun. 

Post # 11
9560 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

a healthy relationship is one where communication is open and you can talk about anything without being judged.  if i have an issue with something i ask.  we talk about it and find a solution that works for both of us.  and vice versa.

i’d rather get everything out in the open asap instead of letting it fester into a blowup.

Post # 12
1252 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
mingogo4 :  

My DH & I both had horrible past relationships prior to meeting each other. He was cheated on and so was I. However, we both chose to deal with that differently.

I was the insecure one, he was the type to trust me until I gave him a reason not to.

We worked through it and now things are great, we also discuss when something is bothering us rather than bottling it up.

Post # 13
29 posts

View original reply
mingogo4 :  I completely agree with you. I think a lot of people fail to understand that when someone is insecure, it’s about them and not about their partner. Of course, there are instances when a partner is doing things that they shouldn’t be, so they have good reason to feel insecure. I know I have my insecure moments and they’re mostly trivial things. I know that I feel that way because of me, and not because of anything my DH has done. He also has his insecure moments and I don’t automatically think “omg he doesn’t trust me!!” 

I’m not really sure why partners get upset at their SO’s for having insecure moments. If it’s something that’s ruining the relationship, then of course it needs to be addressed and worked on, but people need to realize that when someone is insecure, it’s mostly because of the way the insecure person is and not because of the way their partner is. 

Post # 14
4787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

In my opinion, occasional moments of insecurity are different from constant insecurity. If there’s something specific that makes my DH insecure (or the reverse), we need to be able to discuss and resolve it. We’ve hit those moments a couple times during our TTC/infertility trials, and so far, we’ve always be able to talk it out.

However, if my partner’s insecurity was severe and constant enough that I had to spend considerable energy and time reassuring them or if it prevented me from being able to do anything without them or that involved people of the oppostive gender, then I don’t think I would be able to have a happy (or long-term) relationship. However, I think that point of “too much” is different for everyone.

Post # 15
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Honestly, I had to explain this to my now DH when we started dating. He didn’t understand why i expected to be able to ask who he is texting or calling without him getting defensive. We have two very dofferent views on trust but we now understand eachothers sides. I don’t trust anyone for a really long time (until they have proven themselves) and he trusts people completely until they have given him a reason not to. He would always get mad at my questions until we figured out what the fundamental difference was. 

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