(Closed) Uncovered gambling fiance's addiction 7 months before wedding

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Cancel cancel cancel… at least until he’s been “clean” for a few years, he prob needs intensive inpatient therapy which can take months then he will prob need outpatient therapy which could go on for years…

Post # 17
Member
794 posts
Busy bee

RUNNNNNNN. 

And for your fiancé’s sake, I hope he gets the help he needs. I know many addicts that are recovered and are wonderful people. But this is not a situation to marry into. I’m so sorry. 

Post # 18
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

In the long run, therapy may be effective for him, if he works hard and keeps at it. In the short term, however, you are playing with fire.

This will require a lifetime of maintenance therapy. It’s likely he will fall off the wagon more than once. Each time, he will gamble, run up his credit, and tank his finances. If you’re married to him, this will affect your credit, finances, and life, as well. Are you willing to sign up for that, knowing the probable consequences? 

I have no doubt that his intentions are good and that he does want to be better, but this is an addiction. This is a long haul problem and won’t get better in three months.

Post # 19
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Cancel the wedding and end the engagement. The reality is here that you don’t know this man AT ALL. He spent this entire time hiding who he was from you. In order to marry him you would need him to prove to you that he had this under control. Think about it this way, the only way you would EVER even consider a second date with this guy if you went on a date with him tomorrow is if he told you about his issue and said that he had several YEARS of gambling sobriety under his belt. Even then you might not ever go on a second date with this guy. 

That is how you need to approach this situation. You need to judge whether or not you want to stay with him based on how you would react to this information he just gave you if he said it on your first date. And if you went on a first date with him tomorrow he wouldn’t be able to tell you he had been in couseling for a few years, had a few years of sobriety under his belt. He would show up on that date a full blown addict. Would you ever go on a second date with a full blown addict? NOPE. 

And honestly, if he loves you AT ALL, he will let you go. He won’t beg you to stay with him or work it out. Someone who loves another person wants the best for them and can admit when the best thing for that person is to find someone who is ready for marriage, has a stable job, life, and has it together. IF he begs you to stay with him while he works through his issues? That just shows that on top of being an addict, he is an incredibly selfish asshole. He is going to need years to work through this before he can confidently say he is marriage material and worth being in a relatinship with. DO not wait around years for this guy. So you wasted a year and a half. That is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Move on and find someone worth marrying. 

Post # 20
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

You cannot have a healthy marriage with an unhealthy person. Your fiance is not a whole person. He has not done the work to be a good partner. Thats probably why he is rushing the timeline and moving things so quickly – he was hoping youd be married before you caught on.

Im not saying hes a bad person, Im sure hes great in a lot of ways. But he is NOT healthy and you should NOT marry him. You need to put a big stop on everything. If you want to give him time, thats your choice. But I would need years of rebuilding trust to be able to believe someone who lived to me and themselves like that.

Post # 21
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

I  would be running! Especially after only one year. You don’t know him at all. You can end it now and be grateful you only wasted so many months, or sigh up for a life of misery. 

Post # 22
Member
10347 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Dummmmp.

Post # 23
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Run. Don’t walk. Don’t buy a house. Don’t marry him. Get out while you can. I’ve been there and wasted years of my life in a relationship with someone who could not be trusted and made me feel crazy.

Post # 24
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

Walk away. Today.

Post # 25
Bee
5098 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh no, no, no. Don’t  go through with the marriage  Marrying an addict is a losing proposition. When he’s been gambling free for over a year, then you can talk about marriage. But cancel everything now and take any marriage talk off the table because you can’t trust that he will change. You have to see it for yourself over an extended period of time. 

And people’s compulsions and addictions are not necessarily rooted in childhood; exploring his childhood could be a huge waste of time and money. He’d do better with a counselor that is rooted in the here and now, and Gamblers Anonymous is something he has to check out.

Post # 26
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

RUNNNNN!!!! Red flags flying everywhere, bee! 

 

You’re rushing into a home purchase and a marriage because he wanted to tie you down before he got caught. 

 

You don’t even know him if he’s been lying the entire time. And it’s not just about gambling and his finances if you’ve also found porn and other things that made you uncomfortable. 

 

Yes, everyone has their flaws but there are literally millions and millions of single men in the world. Do you not love yourself enough to know you will find a better, healthier, more stable and honest man who wants to marry you, too? Life is hard enough without knowingly marrying a train-wreck of an addict. 

Post # 27
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

Please don’t marry him.  Please!  You’re better than that.  You know you are.

Post # 28
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

The excessive porn in conjunction with the gambling addiction is a huge red flag, because it points to him having a personality prone to addiction. Does he also drink too much or smoke? People with this kind of personality tend to have multiple addictions or transfer their addiction to new sources. So your fiance might successfully cut back on gambling, but you may notice a sudden increase in drinking, or some other new behavior that quickly gets out of control. 

I dated someone like this and spent way too much time in that relationship. First he was depressed, so he was drinking excessively. Then, after his father yelled at him about his drinking, he cut back… and took up smoking cigarettes instead. Then his anxiety started acting up, so he started pressuring me to give him my ativan (which I have a prescription for). When I would say no, I found out later that he was stealing klonopin from his mom’s medicine cabinet instead. I told him he really should see a doctor and get his own prescriptions if his anxiety is so bad… so he did. And once he got a prescription for Adderall, his “recreational” habit turned into an addiction so full-blown that two different prescriptions weren’t enough to keep up, and I kept lending him money to buy more off the street. Then he got a DUI. At this point, we had come full circle, and things just kept getting worse and worse.

I tried to force him into therapy a couple times, but it never helped because he wasn’t committed to really getting better. I hope for your sake that your fiance has a different attitude, but be prepared for it not to be successful, or for there to be many relapses or setbacks along the way. The process will definitely take more than 3 months. I’d say to expect a minimum of a year to see any sustainable progress that you can trust. And I would not recommend sticking it out that long to even see what happens. You guys haven’t been together very long, so just cut your losses now. I made the mistake of trying to stick it out and it was not worth the few good years I wasted in the process.

I’m sorry to be so cynical, but staying with this man will ruin you. I felt emotionally and financially drained when I left my ex, and I was not even legally tied to him. Definitely do not marry this man. 

Post # 29
Member
884 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
astarisborn :  Addicts don’t change unless they want to and even then the percentage of relapsing is staggering please look it up. Addicts changing for others doesn’t work.  He didn’t really want to change but he got caught and is now doing what addicts do to keep what they want, they lie.  I’m positive he means what he says now and will try to change, I’m also positive less than a year from now he will relapse.  
Leaving someone you love enough to promise your life to is one of the hardest things anyone can do, but if you don’t you are dooming yourself and any kids to a lifetime of struggle.  Your kids will be born with addiction tendencies too.  That’s the gift he will give them.

Post # 30
Member
6915 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
astarisborn :  Do you really think 12 weeks of therapy is going to address a 15 year addiction? 15 years is almost 800 weeks, by the way.

DO NOT legally or financially entangle yourself with this man. No amount of love or support from you is going to fix him and you would be doing yourself a massive disservice to try to follow through on marriage with someone who has repeatedly lied (directly and by omission) to you.

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