(Closed) Uncovered gambling fiance's addiction 7 months before wedding

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

RUNNNN!

He’s only going to keep peeling layers of his addictive personality as time continues. Move on, you’ve only been together for a short time. DO NOT buy a house with him. Honestly, get a credit report and make sure he hasn’t been skimming money off of you. 

I had an ex bf who was addict; untreated they will steal anything off of you, like how he stole my dead mother’s and grandmother’s diamond earrings from me. 

Post # 32
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

My ex had addictive behavior and it doesn’t get better. Mine was a cheater. He just lied and cried and seemed soooo remorseful and I really thought he would change… spoiler alert: never changed. I gave him 3 chances. I didnt want to give up on him, he would say things like “Please don’t give up on me! I want to change, I hate feeling like this.” but that was another lie, he didn’t really want to change because he made no effort. Going to therapy once a week for a problem that has been going on for 15 years isn’t going to work. They will stick to it for a short time but they always go back to the behavior. It’s a mental illness, and I am so lucky I was able to get out.

You have gotten so much great advice here, I hope you listen to all of us telling you HE WILL NOT CHANGE… If you really want to be with him, wait until HE HAS CHANGED in 2 years minimum.  

Post # 33
Member
1816 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
gimmepretty :  This is amazing and thank you so much for sharing your experience. You really said it all. I’m so sorry that you went through this. It’s clear that it made you into a strong person with great character. All the internet hugs. 

Post # 34
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
ladyvk :  Exactly.

OP, if you’re terrified, that’s your conscience telling you to protect yourself. Don’t go against that. 

Post # 35
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

Therapy for long term issues usually take far longer than a few months and this long of problems will most likely take a very long time to deal with. He has to essentially learn to stop and actually deal with stress, boredom, consequences, etc in his life in brand new healthy ways. People also have relapses frequently, so I would not be okay marrying someone at this very early stage of his (hopeful) recovery. If you aren’t okay with being married to someone with gambling, lying, cover up, compulsive, debt, etc issues then don’t marry him right now, because as much as it sucks to deal with, that is the kind of person he is right now. He may treat you well to your face and you may adore him, but he has been lying to you the entire time you’ve been together. I wouldn’t take that very lightly if it were me.

Not the exact same situation, but I do know a guy from mutual friends that was lying, hiding things, doing drugs, probably cheated, etc. on his long term girlfriend/fiance. They literally got to a week before the wedding when the issues were too obvious to ignore and she finally got the strength to call off the wedding and completely broke it off with him. He had always called her the love of his life, best friend, etc. while still hiding things and being shady. It was completely awful and hard to watch unfold even from a distance. Losing her and having his whole world completely crumble was the wake up call he needed though and he does seem to be doing better now and has been focusing on working on himself. Usually people do need real consequences, or to hit rock bottom, before they truly change that type of behavior unfortunately.

Post # 36
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee

strawberrysakura :  I just wish that sharing my experiences could convince people to protect themselves.  When people stay in these messes and suffer I just want to shout from the hilltops “Why…?!’. I wish I could get these ops to see their own value enough to get the heck out of these painful situations and seek better for themselves.  What else can we do?

Post # 37
Member
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
weddingmaven :  

Addiction has no actual cure.  Once an addict, forever an addict.

I am very suspicious of the fiancé’s description of CBT.

Post # 38
Member
290 posts
Helper bee

Bee, I trust my fiance with my whole life. It doesn’t sound like you even trust your fiance with $20. Call everything off, start untangling your lives, continue dating while living separately if you want to, but I would not be holding my breath.

Post # 39
Member
13033 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
sassy411 :  You’re quite right. I was speaking too loosely and in terms of behavior modification, but it was a misleading thing to say. 

Post # 40
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

What? Why is this even a question for you? I don’t understand why you need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell to you to end your relationship with this dangerous man.

Can you imagine the life-long game of whack-a-mole you’d be playing? You’d never have a moment’s peace waiting for the next problem of his making to inevitably show itself.

 

Post # 41
Member
5775 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Do not marry him. Your heart and head will hurt less by leaving him than by marrying him. Dont dig yourself this hole.

Post # 42
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2021

Checking in hoping to see an update from OP. Wishing you the best, OP — please do not marry this man.

Post # 43
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Bee, if you look at this in simple terms, you don’t know this man. You don’t know him at all.

He is a stranger to you. Everything you thought you knew is a lie. You built your relationship on a lie. You built your idea of your future on a lie.

Do not marry this man. You don’t know him. 

Post # 44
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

What? Why would you join financially and legally with someone who has financial issues he can’t control? You’ll wind up with loans you didn’t even know about, maxed out credit cards, no equity in your home and no peace.  

If he lies to you this much and you marry him, you are volunteering for more of the same. 

Run.

Post # 45
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

I will focus on the pratical. 1. Buying a house. Unless you can totally pay the mortgage and other bills for the house on your own, do not buy the house. A house is the biggest financial commitment of your life. There are ups and downs in owning a house financially and often unexpected expenses. Gambling brings financial instability into every aspect of your life. 2) Postpone the wedding. Right now you are reeling from finding out secrets and learn about his gambing addiciton. Give yourself at least ONE YEAR to even think about buying a house and marrying this man. You need to find out much more about him. Even if you truly love a man, that doesn’t mean they make great husbands. There is a difference. 3) Therapy is not a guarantee of anything. Therapy does not guarantee that a person will address their addiction. Therapy is just a tool. 

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