Uncovered gambling fiance's addiction 7 months before wedding

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
1138 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

walk away, you feel terrified because deep down you know it’s a bad decision 

Post # 48
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Noooo don’t do it. This is one of those crucial life moments where you have 2 choices and you don’t want to look back on this moment 30yrs down the track and say why didn’t I take this seriously enough

My dad and one of his best friends were serious gamblers. My parents divorced over it as she was also blindsided by the truth and he ended up with crazy debts. My mum was luckily strong enough to start from scratch and make good investments but we never got any money from my dad to assist us growing up as he always had debts’ He didn’t even get me a wedding present, let alone pay anything towards my wedding or any part of my life. He wasn’t a bad father or a bad man he just did not make good life choices and now in his 70s owns nothing. This was an only child with millionaire parents, the best school education provided to him, work opportunities etc all gone. It was incredibly hard to feel responsible for my dad and worry about whether he would have enough petrol money or what would happen to him in his old age. It really is not something that can be fixed overnight and what he is telling you is massive, he has had a whole secret life and you never even knew. 

Post # 49
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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astarisborn :  super proud of you, I am sure this is sooo hard and heartbreaking at the moment but you are doing the smart thing. 

Post # 50
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

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astarisborn :  So sorry you have to deal with this, but glad you’re taking it all seriously. Stay strong and listen to your instincts.

 

 

 

Post # 51
Member
12792 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’m glad you backed out of the house. I still think you are fooling yourself by not making this a clean break. These things are never easy, but in this case it’s the right thing to do. 

Post # 52
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee

It’s a relief to hear that you’ve put the breaks on things.  Now the next step is to extricate yourself completely and walk away.  This is not the kind of situation you hold out for.  If you’d been married for ten years with kids, maybe you do some soul searching and some counseling to find out if it’s salvageable, but not when you’ve only known the person a year and a half and he was lying to you the entire time.  Dating and living together is the trial period, to get to know someone as well as possible before getting locked into any binding commitments with them.  So you uncovered some irrecoverable truths and damage.  He is not marriage material.  You owe him nothing.  Don’t stay for love.  Don’t throw your love away on a charlatan who set you up and lied to you.  Don’t stay with him because you can’t leave him while he’s sick.  He spent years walking himself into this addiction, only he can get himself out.  And it has to be because he wants to get well FOR HIMSELF.  It won’t work for him to tell himself that he’s doing it for someone else and no one else can do it for him.  

I posted before about the abyssmal statistics for recovery among addicts, which is more accurately described as “remission” since the addiction is always there, it’s just a matter of whether or not they successfully resist it.  For your well-being, for your health and safety, no matter what he says to you, understand that addicts lie.  They lie endlessly.  They use.  They use anyone and everyone around them.  They are great at feigning remorse but not good at truly feeling it because however did they walk themselves so deeply into their addictions in the first place?  He knows one thing: he is better off with you than without you, but it’s all at your expense.  He gets the stability you offer, you get….his lying, deception and his debt.  He almost had you legally co-signed to all his debt.  What a narrow miss that was for you and think about the fact that he was willing to do that to you.  Addiction is inherently and endlessly self-serving.  Get out.  Get out.  Get out.  Unentangle yourself from him completely and turn your back on this.  Give your love to someone who has something to give in return.  And who cares about you enough not to lure into a sand pit that’s going to wreck your life, saying “I love you” while you sink into the pit.  This guy will destroy you while he promises you the world.  Get away from completely.

Post # 54
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

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astarisborn :  This is wonderful to hear! Thank you for taking the time to post an update.

Post # 55
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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astarisborn :  you should be so proud of yourself. I’m sure that was incredibly hard for you to do. But I know you are going to be fine and will find someone else who is a great fit for you. I know that because you have just proven that you are perfectly capable of saying no to a relationship that doesn’t work for you. That’s an amazing thing to be able to do. Lots of people settle and you didn’t. Thanks for updating us and lots of hugs to you

Post # 56
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee

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astarisborn :  

I’m so glad you got yourself free!  Good luck moving forward!

Post # 57
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Dear bee, you don’t know me, but I read your story a few months ago and genuinely worried about you and wished you the best. I am so happy that the best is actually happening for you and YOU were responisble for it! I am so proud of you. it can’t have been easy!

Spend some good quality time with yourself, pamper yourself, do things thatching you joy. Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself. If you like meditating, try the free app “1 giant mind”, it’s amazing.

A new, sstronger you has emerged from that situation. Congratulations!

 

I would also like to give a shoutout to @gimmepretty, as she expressed exactly what I was thinking. 🙂

Post # 58
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee

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astarisborn : 

Thank you for coming back to let us know how you are.

You did the right thing. Have no doubts. Now you can live a happier and more rewarding life.

I wish you all the best and am glad that the Bee was a resource you could use to help you during that awful time.

Post # 59
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Good for you!

I hope you heal, and move foward with your head held high for putting yourself first and I hope he gets the help he needs.

 

Post # 60
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

So glad you updated! I can’t begin to imagine just how hard and stressful this has been for you…. but you absolutely did the right thing! So proud of you, bee!

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