Post # 1
Hi all. Sorry for this long post but I am hoping for some impartial advice!
I’m at the stage of deciding my bridesmaids! I am 100% set on 3 bridesmaids of long term friends & family.
But… there is a 4th spot I am unsure about. There is a girl I have been friends with for years and used to be closer to (let’s call her Girl A) who I barely get to see but we talk quite often. She is also engaged and we implied that we would be bridesmaids for each other in the past. However, last year I cut myself from our mutual friendship group after someone continously treated me badly and I wasn’t going to accept toxicity any more. Girl A and I stayed in touch, but she witnessed me being bullied like we were still in high school (even got bullied herself by the same person!) and she didn’t have my back. It made me question the friendship or at least her loyalty. I told her how I felt and she simply said she wasn’t going to take sides – I didn’t expect her to, but if it were me I’d have been defending her to high heaven given the situation. She has since spent a lot of time with the bully (they live close to each other) and I know they all still b*tch about me which I trust she doesn’t contribute to but wouldn’t really defend me either. The whole group are childish and removing myself was the best decision I ever made.
She hasn’t done anything wrong, but I feel if I asked her to be bridesmaid I’d be doing it because I feel like I should, for history’s sake and to avoid awkwardness. I know she cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt anyone but by sitting on the fence she has hurt me. I also know the old group would pry for information just to slate my wedding and frankly I don’t want them knowing anything about my life.
Fast forward and I made a group of amazing new friends, no drama, no nastiness, just the things I expect from good adult friendships. One girl in particular (Girl B) is so supportive and kind, reaches out regularly to meet up despite living far from me, seems genuinely excited for me and wants to help with planning, etc. I’ve only known her for a year but I know she would be so appreciative and proactive as a bridesmaid that the idea of asking her excites me! I worry that I haven’t known her long enough though and that asking her instead of Girl A is going to cause drama or be a decision I regret.
I still have a while before the wedding but don’t want to dawdle on asking them all. I want to get all my girls involved together in cool activities and also don’t want the 4th girl to feel like an after-thought.
What do you think?
Thanks for reading! xx
Post # 2
Bee2Be21 : I would not have someone stand up next to me if I thought they were trashing me behind my back. I would probably be distancing myself from that person. I don’t keep people in my life who actually bitch about me and trash me behind my back. That’s beyond disrespectful.
I would go with girl b, who is actually sweet and supportive of you
Post # 3
Saw that you said she doesn’t contribute to the bashing party that these people participate in, but she sits in on it and doesn’t say anything.
Post # 4
Sansa85 : I know, this is exactly what bothers me. People who don’t call out bad behaviour are almost as bad as the perpetrators imo. Thanks for your reply!
Post # 5
i would not ask girl A. sounds like that is asking for drama and that you are drifting away from that group of friends.
i would maybe wait and see on girl B. when is your wedding? see how your friendship with her progresses over the coming months.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
Bee2Be21 : Don’t put someone in your bridal party who isn’t a true friend. Doesn’t matter what you “promised” at the time, this Girl A has shown her true colors and things have changed. I’d ask Girl B if I were you.
Post # 8
I didn’t read the specifics about each woman.
However, I would encourage you to stop thinking of it as a “spot” to fill.
There is no rule that sides have to be even or there be a specified number of spots. Thinking of it in terms of spots basically turns them into a commodity to be judged and traded in or out depending on the number of spaces. That is not a good way to go about decision making for something that should be about honoring your friendship.
Ask yourself “is this a person who I can’t imagine getting married without them standing by my side and honoring our friendship?” If the answer is yes, then ask them. If the answer is no, then don’t. If that results in one person or three people or 10 people…then so be it.
Post # 9
annabananabee : Thanks for this, you are right! In that case I think it’s neither of them at this stage and I’ll stick with my 3 who are definitely the only “I couldn’t imagine you not standing by my side” friends. Maybe my friendship with Girl B will develop into that and I can ask her later down the line!!
Post # 10
I asked a newer friend of a little under a year to be one of my bridesmaids and it was a great decision! My wedding was over a year ago and we are still super close and probably will be for life. I asked her over some friends of many more years but those friendships were kind of drifting away and I didn’t see much of a future with them like I did with this newer friend.
I think its really important to ask friends you are currently close with no matter how long you’ve known them. Sometimes when brides ask old friends that they aren’t as close with anymore to be bridesmaids they discover the friendship is pretty much faded out, and that can be upsetting.
Post # 11
Definitely do not ask girl A. That is just asking for extended friend group drama, and even if she ‘understands’ why you broke up with that group may cause difficulties if you don’t invite the rest of them (which I would hope you wouldn’t).
As for girl B, I don’t think it matter so much how long you have known her if she is being a good and supportive friend. But I also agree that you don’t need to fill spots or match numbers (I had 3 bridesmaids, my husband had 4 groomsmen). I’m also inclined to be in favour of smaller bridal parties just for simplicity sake (fewer people to coordinate for stuff, etc). It could be a strain on girl B to be a bridesmaid from afar.
Post # 12
My first thought was why must there be 4? I agree with the pp who said it might be useful to stop thinking of it as a ‘spot to fill’ and just have those people you are absolutely happy to have.
Post # 13
I;m in a similar boat…I met a girl and became pretty good friends with her in a short period of time! I’m hoping if this pogresses ill ask her in january to join my bridesmaid party!
Id go with girl B 🙂
Post # 14
I agree that sides don’t have to be even and shouldn’t be if the relationship isn’t there. That said, I think a year is plenty of time to get to know someone well and it sounds as if you won’t regret asking B for her own sake. I don’t see why you have to wait, either. I’d be done with A after the way she’s behaved and would wish her well but not feel obligated to even invite her to the wedding.
Post # 15
Thanks for all your replies, I am going to wait a while and see how things feel with Girl B, and nt worry too much about there being an even number! She is awesome, so I’m sure it will feel right, but 3 bridesmaids is fine too 🙂 But definitely not Girl A, and I’m glad my gut feeling is confirmed here as I was wondering if I was being unreasonable.
natasha0b : Aw, that’s so nice of you, hope you have a perfect wedding! I think I will ask Girl B 🙂
weddingmaven : You’re right, it feels right to ask her even after 1 year. Funnily enough my HTB thinks I should totally cut off Girl A too, nevermind make her a bridesmaid!
mrsnnn3 : Oh none of that group will be invited, I don’t even speak to them anymore thankfully.