Undecided on Kids (long)

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

mingogo4 :  i think you need to try and talk to him again, if he says he doesn’t know what he wants to do in 5 months again, just keep telling him it’s important to you that he listens.

Your maternal attitude might never change, mine didn’t. I honestly don’t get kids, I never wanted them and still don’t

Post # 4
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

You’re definitely not a terrible person for feeling awkward or irritatable around other peoples kids. From a nerdy science perspective, its perfectly normal to not have maternal instincts before you’ve had children, or to know how to deal with them. During pregnancy, your brain changes to prepare for looking after a baby. Some women have maternal instincts without ever having been pregnant, and for others, they only kick in after all the pregnancy hormones. And of course there are always women who never become maternal even after going through a pregnancy. Which isnt very helpful for you in terms of making a plan, I certainly wouldnt recommend getting pregnant just to see if it will suddenly turn you into super mum.  I just wanted to highlight that your lack of maternal feelings doesnt mean you wont make a great mother if you should decide thats what you want later on.  Its difficult trying to anticipate what your partner is going to want in the future, but all you can really do is be honest that you dont know what you want, and its always a possibility that you will decide kids are not for you. 

Post # 5
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

You sound EXACTLY like me! Since my Fiance and I honestly can’t predict how our feelings will change we are getting married and hoping it will all work out. There’s really not much else I can think of to do about it. Sorry for the lack of advice, but you’re not alone. 

Post # 8
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee

mingogo4 :  Other than keep talking to him I’m not sure what else you can do, can’t force him to talk about it and have a answer. However, I wouldn’t marry him if there wasn’t an answer about one of the biggest decisions like this. It’s not a decision that has compromise. If it sadly doesn’t match then there’s not much you can do, it would either be a break up or one of you would have to give up what they want and the one who doesn’t want the situation will most likely be resentful. 

You may change your mind but you also may not, it never kicked in for me and I couldn’t force it. I ended up having to tell my now fiancé that I don’t want kids and was not changing my mind, if he wanted kids he would have to find someone else. Luckily he chose against too and wanted to be with me more, however for many it is a deal breaker. 

Post # 9
Member
488 posts
Helper bee

I think you have to take yes for an answer. He has said he either doesn’t want kids or doesn’t mind not having them, and you have made your feelings clear and he is fine with it. Could he change his mind? It’s possible, but that could also happen if he was staunchly anti kid. I think you ve done as much as you can by talking about it honestly and agreeing. 

Post # 10
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

Kinda sorta in the same boat as you.  I’m what you would call undecided, but I lean heavily toward no kids.  It wasn’t always this way–I wanted kids my whole life up until around 5-6 years ago (I had already been with now husband for 4 years at this point.)  I expected my mind to change back, but it never did and my feelings have only gotten stronger.  My husband has always wanted kids.  This obviously posed a problem when we got engaged.  I told him he needed to decide if not having kids was a deal breaker because I couldn’t give him a definitive answer and he said it wasn’t.  He said he wanted to spend his life with me no matter what.

Truth is, I have 100 reasons why I don’t want kids, but none of which make me selfish which I hear all too often.  Me wanting to live my life on my own terms and as I see fit makes me no more selfish than the person next to me living life with 2 kids.  

I did all I could do to be proactive about it before getting married.  He could change his mind and so could I…sometimes you just don’t know what the future holds.  Sorry I don’t have better advice for you, but I hope everything works out for you the same way I hope it works out for me. 

Post # 11
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Holy cow- I feel the same as you! Reading some stuff about having kids (even here on the bee) I find completely terrifying. Some women seem miserable when I read their posts, and the thought of being a mom makes me uncomfortable- I’m way too selfish about my free time, and I don’t know how I could handle a kid! A lot of my friends have had kids or have the maternal instinct and want them badly, and I’ve never felt that way. Quite frankly, after I babysit SO’s 2 year old niece, I’m completely relieved when her mom comes home because it’s just too much (plus tantrums ever 10 minutes make things extra fun). Luckily, SO and I are currently both flexible about having/not having kids. I’m 25 and have no maternal instincts, but he did say that if they ever did “kick in” and I wanted to have kids, then we can go for it. If not, then so be it.

As long as your Fiance understands your point of view of not wanting kids then it should be okay. It sounds like he respects your opinion, however it would be good to have a hard discussion so you’re both in agreeement (what would a future with kids look like? How about one without?). It’s tough, especially if you have no desire to be a mother- I hear motherhood is extremely difficult, I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be with zero maternal instincts. Good luck to you Bee! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 1996

mingogo4 :   I mainly just lurk here but just felt I needed to chime in on this. I got married when I was 20. I knew I never wanted kids. Darling Husband at the time was like yours. Said it didn’t matter to him one way or the other. Like you I was told by a lot of people that some day I would want them and that my maternal instincts would kick in. Also like you I am the kind that is uncomfortable around kids. If I am forced to be around them I am nice etc if they speak to me but I’m also looking for the nearest escape route lol.

I just turned 40 last fall and not once in the last 20 years have I ever regretted not having them. Not once in the last 20 years have I had the “urge” to have one.

So who knows your feelings on it might change and then again they may not. Your Fiance might be like my Darling Husband who to this day says it doesn’t matter to him one way or the other. If I wanted one now we would try for one but he also loves things the way they are. Some guys honestly are ok either way. Good Luck! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 1996

mingogo4 :  You and your Fiance sound very much like my Darling Husband and I. I’m the one that does all the long term planning. My Darling Husband is very much more live in the moment and what happens happens.

It freaked me out for a long time too. I kept trying to get him to commit to a yes or no answer because I too could not figure out how he could not care one way or the other lol. We had a somewhat serious discussion about it one time. He likes kids and enjoys being around them but said that didn’t mean he wanted or needed his own. The best way he could explain it to me was he was indifferent to the idea. If we had some he would of course love them and take care of them but if we didn’t he wouldn’t feel like he was missing out either.

As long as you guys keep being honest about how you both feel I’m sure you will be just fine. 🙂

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