- 3 years ago
So here’s the scoop.
Im 26, just finishing up grad school in May, engaged to the man of my dreams, and moving across the country with him to his hometown.
I have had absolutely zero maternal instincts kick in so far. I feel I am far too selfish to ever have kids. I have not yet had a single year where I wasn’t working and going to school full time. I want to travel, I want to be able to go out and come in as I please, I don’t want to be responsible for a person or have anyone depend on me for their life. I value my freedom too much. For me, I don’t see any intrinsic value in having children. The thought actually sort of depresses me and makes me feel ill.
Everyone tells me that the way I feel is normal, and once I get a little taste of freedom after grad school and get it all out of my system, I’ll start wanting a baby. I… Don’t know about that.
My SO says he is completely undecided about it. He says that he is indifferent to having kids (how can one be indifferent to this I don’t know!) and would be happy with his life either way. That it is something he can’t decide right now being where he is in his life.
Thing is, he’s GREAT with kids. He gets along so well with his nieces and nephews. He has great relationships with all of them and loves spending time with them. It comes natural to him. For me, I feel awkward and uncomfortable around them. It sounds terrible but they irritate me. I’m obviously very nice to them and I care about their well being, but at the end of a visit I’m glad they aren’t mine. (I know… I know… I’m a terrible person.)
So now, what happens, 5 years down the road, his nieces and nephews have grown and he decides he wants a kid of his own. And I still haven’t changed my mind.
Ive tried discussing this with him, and he ALWAYS says something like “I don’t know what I’m going to want in 5 months let alone 5 years.” He is a very in the moment kind of person, and doesn’t generally think long term. I am the opposite, and pretty much have a 25 year plan, hah. We compliment each other that way.
But this kid thing worries me. Right now we have both decided that we are “undecided”, heh. That maybe everyone is right and my maternal instincts will kick in, or not, or maybe he will want kids when he is in a better life position, or not. But, what happens if it doesn’t match? To find out we have a glaring incompatibility after so many years together, possibly even several years of marriage, seems terrible. I’d like to avoid that. But how?
Just wait and see? Is there something more proactive I can do?