Post # 1
I’m undercover here, but I’m a regular poster who’s SO has finally bought a ring and gotten all gung-ho about marraige….
and I think I’ve fallen out of love.
I love how we are together, I love how he takes care of me and I take care of him. I love that we are a family and we do things together. He’s my best friend in every way-but I don’t feel it anymore. I’m noticing other men-not touching, just…looking. Sometimes chatting about the weather and the like, but no touching.
I feel like that whole time I was waiting, he was idleing. I wasn’t “good enough” for marraige. I wasn’t “the one” yet. I feel like I’m to a point that I don’t want to marry him anymore. I even feel like I want to see other people.
Here’s the thing: everything is fine. Nothing has changed. The only thing? He bought a ring we picked out.
This feels like the begining of a moderd version of “An Affair to Remember”, but I’m living the part before the movie starts, when they’re packing up to go on the cruise.
Is he not the one? How do i know?
Am I getting pre-engagement cold feet?
Post # 3
I wonder if it is the finality of everything coming down on you. That this will finally be it and you’ll have to plan the wedding and make the commitment? It just seems weird that things were fine until he bought the ring. You don’t have to go undercover the hive is super supportive!!
But even if it is some form of cold feet, you should take a step back and let him know how your feeling. You don’t want him proposing in a big way and you being uncertain.
Post # 4
Go with your gut. One of my friends dated a guy for 8 years and really wanted to get married but he was the same way. Put it off for years without a valid reason. When he finally asked her, they were married less than a year. She was very bitter he made her wait so long without good reason, and she just didn’t even want him anymore. She married someone else a year later. Don’t let that happen to you if you’re already feeling that way! Good luck!!
Post # 5
I think your feeling are valid. It’s hard to know that you had to put your life on hold to wait for him to decide to move forward. I think it’s a good idea to take a break from your relationship so you can sort out your feelings before deciding to get married or not.
Post # 6
If you don’t feel *it* anymore, I wouldn’t get married just yet. Maybe it will come back after a little while. But if it doesn’t…well, maybe you need to think about moving on.
Post # 7
@TigerFanRN: The same thing happened to me. I thought I wanted to get married to a man I was with for 5 years. He finally asked, I had the ring, I bought the dress…but I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. It is awful, but one year at Christmas, I told my Dad that if this man was going to ask me to marry him finally that holiday season, I didn’t think I’d want it anymore.
🙁 Well…the guy asked, I felt cornered since it is what I thought I wanted the years leading up to it, and then ended up backing out of the engagement a year later. I had tried to set plans, he wouldn’t committ to a date. I tried to pick a venue; he wouldn’t help. I felt like he just got me the ring to shut me up, and that he hadn’t really wanted to marry me at all…he just felt like nothing else was coming along for him to leave.
I’m glad that engagement ended. I found my Darling Husband a few months later, and was engaged a year after that. I never, EVER had these feelings with my Darling Husband. I just knew it was right, and what we both wanted. I say that you should trust your gut feeling.
Post # 8
I can’t say I’m at the exact same point as you, as I don’t want to date other people/move out/break up… but I’m starting to feel like my SO’s hesitancy & not really having a reason is almost turning me off the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I want to spend my life with this man, I love him so much… but I’ve felt so low during parts of the waiting period that now I feel like I’m at a point where I just don’t care. His complete lack of interest in moving forward, or trying to move forward, makes me feel like what I want isn’t important. Because I’ve been getting the same excuses for more than a year now [though I will say we have made some progress, he was researching rings/wanted to know what I liked]. However, he recently told me he WANTS to propose, but for some reason that he can’t pinpoint or isolate, he just can’t bring himself to do it already.
Anyway, didn’t mean to vent there, but I just wanted you to know I understand how you’re feeling. My SO may not have a ring purchased yet, but I definitely am feeling the same way you are.
You definitely aren’t alone! *hugs*
Post # 9
Did you bring up marriage a lot before this? Maybe you’re feeling like you pushed him into getting a ring when he wasn’t ready for this type of committment? It kinda seems like there isn’t enough info to tell if this is cold feet or something much deeper, but definitely take a step back and take some time for yourself. It wouldn’t hurt to talk with someone in person (a friend or counselor)… sometimes just talking out loud to someone helps clarify things.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
@ThePrincessMaggie: I agree!
Just let him know how you’re feeling (: I’ve felt this way before and your feelings are completely normal. My aunt used to always say, in order to be in love you have to fall out of love. You just have to get through the bad days to enjoy the good ones. Obviously a relationship shouldn’t be complete misery, but it’s normal to not feel the exact same loving mushy way towards someone. You have to remember that love is also physical (: your brain can’t always pump constant amounts of ‘love chemicals’ into you, sometimes it needs a break.
Just give it a few weeks, talk to a counsellor or friend or family member if you need to. Wait to see if the feeling comes back, if it does then great, if it doesn’t then it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship and the proposal. Just be honest with your SO and keep him in the loop. He can’t help you out if he doesn’t know what’s going on (: Good luck!
If you want a really good book on the ups and downs of relationships, attraction, and love I recommend the book The Female Brain! It really helped me understand a lot of the changes in my relationship.
Post # 11
@TooLittleTooLate: How long have you been together? I firmly believe that love (the giddiness, starry eyeness of love) comes in waves. Maybe you’re in a less exciting spot right now.
Post # 13
Along with other bees asking how long you have been together, I also have to ask how old you are. You say you feel like the whole waiting period made you feel like you weren’t good enough to marry. If you’re younger and have been together for a long tmie, maybe he just wanted to be sure you guys could grow together before making this huge decision.
Marriage is a HUGE STEP. I know it can feel like an eternity while you’re waiting, but it’s not a step you should take lightly. After I got engaged, I had a time period of sheer panic. I just sat there thinking oh god what have I done? It passed. It’s normal to have a little cold feet. That doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love him any more or you aren’t meant to be together. Like @Roe said, love comes in waves. My panic passed, and I realized it was crazy to have ever questioned it. I agree with the poster that suggested talking to your SO, waiting a bit and if you still have these feelings, see a counselor or talk to a trusted friend or family member. You’ll be ok, it’s totally normal to be having these feelings.
Post # 14
@sugarpea: Word to that book! I definitely recommend it for sorting out your feelings. They recently wrote a “The Male Brain” I’m picking it up asap
Post # 15
@mrs_pugetsound: I completely agree. I was in a long-term relationship before Darling Husband and I got together, and my ex had some anxiety issues that he was working through, but overall we had a great relationship and he was getting better at handling his anxiety with every passing day. And then I just started getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach that this relationship wasn’t what I wanted. My ex was a great guy and I loved being with him and hanging out with him, but I just wasn’t feeling any actual love for him anymore.
I tried to stick it out and convince myself that I was just having commitment issues since this was the longest relationship I’d ever had. I tried so hard to get the love back. I hoped I would snap out of it one day and just be back in that happy place where I wanted to be romantically involved with him. That day never came. Eventually he caught on that something was up, that I was distant and unresponsive, and I admitted that I didn’t love him anymore. I wish I hadn’t waited. It hurt him so much more that I had been feeling this way for months but hadn’t had the courage to admit it. But the second we broke up it was like a weight was lifted off my chest.
Maybe take some time to yourself to feel things out a bit. If it is just a phase, you’ll find a way to rationalize things pretty quickly once you’re a bit more removed from the situation. But if you feel the kind of overwhelming relief that I did, that’s your cue that you should listen to your gut and end things.
Post # 16
@linguo42: Great point! If the thought of breaking up feels like a relief rather than “I don’t want to/can’t live without him” then you probably have your answer. I also agree with the point on having an open talk with him about it. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to start that conversation, but maybe it’ll get him to open up about some things he’s been feeling as well?