(Closed) Uneasy about boyfriend's sexual past

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

None of this would bother me, and I see nothing wrong with anyone, male or female, having a lot of sexual partners if they are single, practise safe sex, and are upfront with the other person about what they want from the situation. I also have friends who use similar terminology to your partner, and I don’t find it offensive- it’s just how they talk. I also think it is healthy to be honest and open with your partner about your respective pasts. HOWEVER, I’m not sure what answer you were seeking to this question… what answer would you have hoped for? Because as things stand, I don’t see the problem- he is being honest and non-defensive with you.

Post # 32
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Right but I think this is not about the past (aka number of partners) it’s the WAY he talked about it. It was very degrading and something he should only day to a friend, not a gf/fiancé/wife what have it..

Post # 33
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

wittykitty64:  He was honest in their relationship- that they were not exclusive to each other. The fact that he was sleeping with others was on the table, who he was with and the time span between each was not their business

Post # 34
Member
5113 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

He was safe and he wasn’t cheating on anyone, presumably. Even if he waited until he was 18 to start having sex, at 28 he’s only averaging 2 partners per year. That’s not that many when you look at it that way. And even if it was, it’s in the past and you need to get over it or move on. Don’t shame him or continue to bring it up. 

Post # 35
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

wittykitty64:  TL; DR. You messed up when you asked the question. Stop asking those questions. If it doesn’t have any bearing on the PROGRESS of your relationship, then it’s irrelevant. Now you have information that you don’t know what to do with. It’s unnecessary. I hope you learned a lesson here.

Post # 36
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

Everyone has a past. Either you accept his and move on or you don’t and move on before you get in any deeper with him. Be glad that he was honest with you. Don’t make this an issue you continually bring up with him or your relationship may be over before you get a chance to go any further. 

Post # 37
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Backyard

wittykitty64:  Good, I’m glad that you feel like you are able to communicate with him. 

Post # 38
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see anything wrong with how many people he’s slept with or even the two in one day as long as no one thought it meant more than just sex. Sex can be completely meaningless fun and there’s nothing wrong with that. He also said he’s never cheated, I’d be more concerned if he’d cheated than I ever would be with multiple sexual partners. I’ve slept with more people than my husband has and if he’d been bothered by that our relationship wouldn’t had worked. I refuse to be shamed for my sexual past and you shouldn’t shame him for his. You need to either get over this or let him move on to someone who is fine with it

Post # 39
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

wittykitty64:  You’ve already had loads of good advice, so I won’t repeat what others have said or comment too specifically but I did have one thought. I’ve found out things about partners previously that have made me have similar feelings at first – it can be weird when you hear something that isn’t what you expected from your partner. The thing is though, you have to give yourself a couple of weeks to ‘desensitise’ to the new info, before you make any big decisions. It may be that once you’ve digested it, it simply doesn’t bother you the same way it does right now. Before you stress out about how you ‘should’ feel or how you *do* feel, give yourself a little bit of time… Good luck!

Post # 41
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

 I do not see any reason that you should regret asking him these types of questions. If you truly trust each other and are building a solid relationship, I believe you need to be able to talk with each other about everything .   I believe that topic is something that should be discussed fairly early on in a relationship, especially if things are getting serious.  He does seem to have a very casual attitude toward sex (I am not a casual sex person), but it’s good that was he honest with you about it, and you said he treats you wonderfully and respects you.  If you continue the relationship with him, you need to be able to let go of his past and focus on the relationship that the two of you have together. 

That being said, I personally do not think I would choose to be with a guy who talked about his past girlfriends like that and had such a flippant attitude about having sex with them.  I also think he is talking about marriage too soon, especially given his past, but only you two can decide what is right for you and your relationship.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Profile Photo theblondebee.
Post # 42
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

Early on in my relationship my boyfriend asked me this question. I shouldn’t have answered because honestly, anything pre him is none of his business but like an idiot I answered. I’m 28 now and have been single pretty much the whole time before I met him. I’ve had a lot of sexual partners and like your boyfriend think sex is fun and healthy. He freaked. He’s the opposite. Well because of this he almost left me. 

I didn’t feel I needed to apologise for something that I didn’t feel guilty about. For something that had felt great and for something that o was happy with. For something that HE was uncomfortable with. Sorry not my problem. 

He later sent me this and says it’s what made him realise he was being petty. Please watch it. I hope it helps you 

http://youtu.be/FlYZnd7dEPw 

Post # 43
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Sex means different things to different people. Often, it means a lot more to girls than it does to guys – it doesn’t surprise me at all that he doesn’t see his sexual past as a big deal. In my relationship, it’s the complete opposite – I’m the one who doesn’t see sex as being that big a deal, whereas it’s something my Fiance has always seen as very special. As you can imagine, I have a higher number of past sexual partners than he does. You cannot make your boyfriend care about something in the same way that you do, so if you want to stay with him you really need to let his sexual past go and move forward together. You say he treats you right, has never cheated and would never treat you the way he treated those two girls he slept with on the same day – so what more do you want?

Post # 44
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I guess I will play Devil’s Advocate here since in my current relationship, I was the one with the colorful past. But I really think that your best bet is being upfront about things in the beginning. If you know the worst of each other from the start, you’re better equipped to handle anything else that comes along. 

Post # 45
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee

wittykitty64:  I can see why it may irk you, it irks me too when I think of my fiancé having sex and doing those things with women. But it’s just that, the past. Nothing can be changed and he’s shown that he is more dedicated to you than he was with those other girls. You either have to learn to accept this as his past or move on because else can really be done about it.

However. I find the way he talked about those girls and the situations disgusting, the words really make him sound like a pig. I think that would bother me more than his past, he was honest at least about them and wasn’t hiding it.

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