(Closed) Uneasy about boyfriend's sexual past

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
6595 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

wittykitty64:  See, these last two comments are where you lost me.  If you think he speaks disrespectfully of women by saying things like “nailed” then by all means, ask that he be more considerate in future.  But if it’s the relationships themselves… Pot, meet kettle.

As others have said and I already commented, his past life is not for me, and it would affect my ability to be in a relationship with him. I actually have a very hard time believing so many women here who say the past doesn’t matter at all – the past indicates your character and that is why it matters if it is significantly different from a partner.  But your past sounds the same, just maybe smaller in quantity.  Is it perhaps mirroring some of your own life decisions and you’d rather blame him for his choices than face the ones you’ve made that you wish were different? (I don’t mean that in a superior sense, I am well aware that I should have been born in the 1800s).  Because I truly don’t see enough of a difference between the two of you where it should matter at all.

Post # 107
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

skunktastic:  “But your past sounds the same, just maybe smaller in quantity.”

My thoughts exactly. 

 

Post # 108
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

jnd224:  I think she wishes she hadn’t asked because she didn’t like the answer.

Post # 109
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I don’t know my husband’s number and never felt the need to ask.  He was married before so at least once.  He’s had many girlfriends but I don’t know the extent of those relationships.  Actually it makes him more irresistible to me that he’s dated around lol  We’re married, we’re faithful to each other, that’s all that matters.  The day we started dating, that’s the start of when it matters.  I did tell him he was the only one but that’s because I thought he should know how special it was to me 🙂

Post # 110
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

wittykitty64:  I’m married so I wouldn’t go on a date.  If I were single and not in a relationship I WOULD go on a date.  Of course your relationship status matters.  So if he’s not in a relationship he has no remain celibate forever?

Post # 111
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

So we live in a world where sex is judged. In all honesty, it’s unfair to be mad when you guys had a purposeful talk to find out that number. As far as him knowing the number being weird, I’ll say he’s responsible. Good for him. If you are the type to get mad about the idea of him having a certain number of partners, maybe you should have been more self aware and not asked. It doesn’t bode well that you are having negative reactions to him sharing something personal with you. My SO and I are each other’s safe place, no judgment honesty. I also wouldn’t be having this conversation with strangers. I would have this conversation with him in a constructive and honest way. If it helps, when I’ve felt upset with a partner’s actions before we were together it normally stemmed from my own insecurity.

Post # 112
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I will also point out there are websites devoted to relationship advice, where as this site is for wedding topics. Not to read as insensitive, just making sure you realize there is probably better advice to be had there. We don’t know either of you and we don’t know how bias your story is.

Post # 113
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I love sex.  I will never apologize for my sexually active past, nor would I be shamed for my choice of protected right to sexual pleasure. 

i have more partners than most of my friends combined (x4!) and I never cared.  My sexuality has no bearing on my being a “good” human being.  I accept who I am and I expect my Fiance to accept me as well.  Because my sexual encounters were protected and consensual.

i would have a problem with my Fiance thinking the way you do.  If he cannot accept my past, then that’s his problem.  If he starts making it a problem (which you are starting to do OP) then I would leave him.  I will not be made bad for choices that are my legal, moral right.  

Post # 114
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Difficult one but it’s his PAST, not what he’s currently doing. People mature and change and their attitiude to sex and relationships change with them. I’d let it go but if you really can’t then I’d question whether you were really happy with this siutation. If it’s a deal breaker then end it but be aware that everyone comes with a past and this sounds like the average.

Post # 115
Member
8 posts
Newbee

wittykitty64:  Leave it in the past. Everyone made mistakes in the past and it’s helped shape them to who they are today. I think you need to focus on the fact that he isn’t still this way and he’s learned to treat women with respect. It can be upsetting to find out your SO wasn’t always the amazing person you know currently, but the one you know currently is the one you’re spending your life with. Not the one from a few years ago who chose to play around. 

Post # 116
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Why did you not only ask him his “number”, but also got into specifics like the percentage of onE night stands? Please stop analyzing this. I think you’re being very hypocritical here and it’s not fair to your boyfriend. You have to accept that everyone comes with a past. If you can’t accept his past, then I would move on! 

 

To to the poster above me, I would hardly categorize his sexual past as a “mistake”. 

Post # 117
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

You have no right to put your partner on trial for their romantic past. All you can do is choose whether or not to accept it, end of story. Don’t drag him through explanations or justifications. Accept him or tell him you’ve decided you’re not a good fit and move along. Good luck.

Post # 119
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Oh damn. Never ask questions unless you can handle the answer. Any answer! My boyfriend asked me early on how many people I’d been sexually intimate with. I didn’t tell him. Firstly, my private life is MY private life. Sex is between me and the person I’m having (or had) sex with. Secondly, I don’t want to know how many people my partner has been with, nor do I want to know the ins and outs of what he’s done. So even if I was to share my past sexual history with him inside out, I most definitely do not want to know his. I’m not in denial thay he has a past, but I don’t want to know the nitty gritty.

Post # 120
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

wittykitty64:  This is why I don’t think it’s a good idea to ever bring up your sexual pasts.

First, I think your man loves and respects you very much because he was very honest with you.  I know the truth hurts but he answered you with the truth which is more valuable than anything.  And he used condoms!  That’s really awesome.

Second, I don’t think it’s fair that you are judging him.  Are you telling me that you were in a serious relationship with all 10 of your past sexual partners and that you were in love with them and cherished them deeply?  My guess is no, that some of these people were just fun to have sex with.  That’s not different from what he told you.  So why are you holding him to a higher standard than yourself?

If I were you, I’d try to redirect my mind whenever those feelings of hurt or insecurity come up and remind yourself that you’re with a good man who accepts YOU the way you are despite your own past.

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