(Closed) Uneasy feeling, tell me I'm not alone.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like you definitely are not ready to be married, and should not be talking about getting married right now. 3 years is enough time to know if you want to marry someone, but if you feel like he isn’t done growing yet, it is a good idea to wait. Never marry a man expecting him to change, marry a man who you are happy with in the now.

Post # 4
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It sounds like you are on two different levels as far as maturity goes, and in the time you’ve been together you have outgrown him. I also date a guy like this and I can tell you when he brought up moving in together I was all for it. 

 

Until I started talking to him about his future.

 

He didn’t really have a clear idea of what he wanted to do, I asked him where he saw himself in five years and the future was bleak. He said he didn’t know, and he was basically going to school and racking up debt for the sake of it and to delay starting payments. He worked a job that paid just above minimum wage and had a lot of debt. When we discussed moving in together he started talking about needing me to financially support him, help him pay his bills, as well as fully pay rent, utilities etc.

 

I started to realize he wanted a mommy, not a serious relationship. I was in an established career and realized how unfair this situation was, and to top it off he told me he didn’t see himself getting married for atleast 10 years. Basically he wanted me to invest years and years of financial support in him with absolutely zero promise of any future together. So I had to end it.

 

it really just sounds like your SO is not an adult, and you need to decide if you want to stick around and wait for him to grow up, or if this relationship has run its course, only you can make that call.

Post # 5
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

I do think that you want him to change.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing, you just want him to be more of a mature adult.  Unfortunately, he has to be ready to make that change too.  Have you thought of counseling?  In regards to the in the bedroom comments, it sounds like he’s upset about being rejected and when you want him to “just go for it”, that message may not be clear to him at all.  When you feel rejected by someone the last thing you want to do is put in an even bigger effort, because you can feel like you will get rejected again but in an even more pronounced way.  It sounds like you used to have something that worked before, and now it doesn’t, but I don’t think he’s clued in on that change.  I think you need to have an open and honest conversation about what you both need from each other and see if you can work this out.

Post # 8
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
rararachael:  Only you know what is right for your relationship, however I personally feel that getting engaged, whether or not you have a long engagement, is a bad call.

 

If you get engaged you are going to feel further invested in the relationship, which is the opposite of what you should do when you are clearly on the fence about your relationship in general. Much like he seems to think graduating and getting a degree will suddenly make him a man, and instantly give him maturity, you seem to think that getting engaged will also drive him towards being more mature, or make your relationship better or more grown up (pro tip, it won’t)

 

You shouldn’t get engaged until you are 100% sure you want to get married to this guy. Personally, despite desiring to have a long engagement, I don’t think anyone should get engaged until they can say “If it weren’t for planning, and saving money for a wedding I would absolutely without a doubt marry you tomorrow.”

 

Plus I think by accepting a proposal be someone you are unsure of marrying you are leading him on. What if this is just the way he is? You need to ask yourself if you could see yourself married and happy with the person he is now, not the person he might grow up to be, because it is a definite possibility that things will never change or get better.

Post # 9
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I am the older one in our relationship, just by a few months and although I can’t say I’ve had the same panicked feelings as you I have had annoyances and stages of our relationship where the difference in maturity levels has been noticeable. Like when we first moved in, everything was me, cooking, cleaning, finances, I was the man and woman in the relationship while he sat on his playstation. But after I talked, and I can say this for the couple other times it’s happened, he saw where I was at and grew some balls because, in his words, he loves me and doesn’t want to not look after me. His mother is very interfering and this doesn’t help, it’s like she sees us as playing house instead of two adults who own their home and have done for 2 years.

i hope that your issues/feelings can be rectified as mine were, my boyfriend stepped up to the mark and now is the most excellent partner. 

I hope it helps to know you are not alone in feeling this way, all my friends have older boyfriends and sometimes I felt unable to talk to them about maturity issues ☺️

Post # 10
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sounds like you want to get married but not to this guy. A wimpy mooch who cries for sex… I don’t blame you. He sounds much more like a child than a man. 

You want a confident assertive provider? Great- go out and get one. 

Post # 11
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Granted, at 24 most “men” are like that. You could wait a few years and see what happens, but I absolutely would not pursue an engagement with that mindset.

Post # 12
Member
29 posts
Newbee

My boyfriend and I met when I was 20 and he was 22, so I get the growing up together thing. It’s great most of the time but it can feel really scary and shitty if you start to have doubts. It takes a lot of maturity and a realistic point of view to make a relationship like this work – and it sounds like he has neither.

Only you can decide whether this relationship is worth your time and effort, but to be honest, it sounds like a no based off your post. If you guys get married and he doesn’t change, how resentful will you feel after 10, 20, 30 years putting your happiness on hold? “Sacrifice” is important in a relationship, but I put it in quotes because it shouldn’t even feel like sacrifice because you love him so much and  know he would do the same for you. If you feel so turned off by his behavior after just three years, a lifetime of this sounds miserable. 

Engagement/marriage should come at the point in your relationship  when you feel totally committed and sure. Not when you hope things will get better during your engagement. 

Post # 13
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’ve been in a relationship where I was the caretaker before. Always the decision-maker, the motivator, the sex-initiator, the planner, the do-er, the comforter and responsibility-taker if things didn’t turn out exactly as planned. The position gives a lot of power, but it was exhausting, too. It is also very addicting to be needed, and to know your presence improves someone else’s well-being. I was pretty young then.

Now I’m in an equal relationship. I can actually trust and rely on my partner to not only take care of things as good as I would, but BETTER. I feel admiration and respect for my partner instead of loving pity. It’s a whole different kind of relationship. I think it is a far better, more healthy, and fulfilling one.

To me, it sounds like your relationship has played out. It sounds like you don’t really respect your boyfriend anymore, and he’s starting to drag you down. He has some growing up to do, and he may not ever do it as long as you are there putting up with his childish behavior. You have some blossoming to do (if you’re capable of so much when you are emotionally supporting your partner, imagine what you’re capable of when receiving equal support in return!). If I were you, I’d break up with my boyfriend, but do it lovingly and respectfully. If you can, remain friends. Maybe in a few years your boyfriend will have matured and grown and you will get back together, but in the meantime, I’d be exploring and searching for a partner who is your equal and who will enhance your life, as opposed to a partner you always have to compensate for.

At the very least, you should be able to find a partner who doesn’t use tears to indicate he wants to get it on…

Post # 14
Member
13613 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that, either. If you already feel this way, I’d suggest taking many steps back from this relationship and looking for someone who has the qualities you are looking for. Sometimes “love” is not enough. 

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