(Closed) Unemployed and fighting with DH. Vent & advice!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

While I can understand where people are coming from telling you dinner should be on the table. I can see your point too that you say you lack in cooking skill and he’s usually the better cook. You feel you compliment each other in this way. Now sure people could say, you’re off work this is the perfect time for you to practice those cooking skills etc…and that’s a valid point too.

But for example, if my Fiance was staying at home all day I would not be that surprised to come home and still have to cook dinner myself. Because FI’s cooking skills are pretty limited to microwave, pizza, spaghetti, and tacos. Or picking up take out. So if I want a healthy cooked meal, then I have to cook it. I don’t expect someone with no interest in cooking or skills at it to suddenly become a great happy home cook overnight because they are unemployed. That said if your husband’s expectation is that while you’re unemployed you cook dinner – and that anything you cook would be acceptable, then I’d try to make it work. I’d also try to have some fun with it. Try some new recipes, try to enjoy it. At this point it’s only for two more weeks until you start your new job!

Post # 17
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
O.My.Heart:  I don’t see anyone saying you don’t deserve the unemployment benefits, all I see is people saying money from the governent that you didn’t go to work to earn is not your contribution to the household.

Post # 18
Member
4685 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

O.My.Heart:  I would be annoyed if my spouse was home all day and didnt’ have dinner ready. I would also be annoyed that they wanted me to essentially give them credit for money that was being handed to them by the government. I would be appreciative that that extra income was there but that’s about it. I feel like if one person is working and the other is home, then as the one staying home your “job” is to take care of the home. Sorry OP, but I can see where your DH was coming from. He definitely could have communicated better but I dont necessarily think he was wrong to be irritated. I also don’t think he is doing anything wrong by not acknowledging the unemployment incom the way you think he should :\

Post # 19
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

wow… you guys do know that if you work you all pay into unemployment right? Kind of like if you get money back on your taxes, its not the government giving you a check because they like you they are giving you YOUR MONEY BACK.

Post # 21
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like the two of you are locked in a power struggle and neither of you wants to give in.

Is cooking dinner and having it ready for him when he gets home such a big deal?  I totally understand where you’re coming from because I was in a similar situation as you.  But one thing I have noticed is that men seem to care more about dinner being on the table than the house being clean, while women feel more touched with a spotless house than dinner on the table.

I understand that you were very understanding and supportive when your DH was unemployed. But for whatever reason, it means SO much to your husband if you had dinner on the table for him when he comes home.  If that one act would create more peace in your house and feelings of goodwill, than could you swallow your pride and just do it? 

I get that you want your DH to acknolwedge your unemployment checks and that you are contributing to the household chores.  But in all honesty, even though it’s not the best line of thinking and your DH could hold a better perspective on things, he is still entitled to his own opinion.  So instead of struggling so much to change his mind about how he views things, I would recommend that you focus more on what you can do to keep the peace and bring more goodwill to your home.  And when you guys are connecting again and your DH is in a good mood, I would THEN bring up how sad and awful you feel that your DH holds such a negative view on your unemployment checks and that you would like to be accepted for the fact that you prefer to clean vs. cooking.  I guarantee that when goodwill and loving feelings return to your relationship, than the conversation will also go much more smoothly and your DH will be more amenable to changing his thinking to your way.

Post # 22
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I don’t really think it’s worth nit-picking over whether you’re contributing or not, though I understand why you think it adds to your “side” of the argument. But ultimately that’s not the issue. Your husband feels that he is working and you are not, therefore you should be taking care of the house and dinner. I would be annoyed, as you are, that he does not seem to “remember” how things were when the situation was reversed; or rather he remembers the dinners only. But for the week you have left before your job starts, why not focus more on dinners and less on organizing things? 

There will be other reasons to argue in the future. I wouldn’t dig my heels in on this one. 

Post # 25
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Jeez, I am kind of surprised by some of the responses that you’re getting, OP. not sure how unemployment works where you are, but where I am the employer pays, all workers pay, and the government pays. Which means that part of what you’re collecting could conceivably be money that you contributed in the past.

Some bees have said that if they were you, their home would be spotless and dinner would be on the table every night. I call bullshit! Being unemployed is depressing as fuck and I bet moron than one of these high and mighty bees would end up watching the Tuesday SVU marathon on TNT instead of taking to the baseboards with a toothbrush and recreating Julia Child’s seminal recipes.

The money that you collect is helpful, OP. It is nice that you’re able to contribute some cash during your jobless stint, unlike when your DH willfully quit his job. You guys have different household priorities, which probably means that you’re a great complementing matched set.

You have a new job on the horizon, which is great. You’re not a slovenly, useless sponge off society or your DH, so don’t let anyone make you feel that way.

In the meantime, if DH absolutely requires a hot meal upon his victorious return from the workplace, Lean Cuisine makes an excellent selection of entres that can be ready in 6 minites or less. Maybe if his mouth is full he won’t be able to verbally shit on you.

Post # 26
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  Actually, no.  That is a myth.  If you work and pay taxes, you pay into social security and medicare.  You do not directly pay into unemployment insurance – your former employer covers those payments (which is why many of them fight it if they feel you were discharged with cause).  To the OP, I’m sure the money helps but if I were your husband, I would be focused on what you are doing now to get a steady income and contribute to the household in the meantime.  You have a job lined up, which is great.  In the meantime, you should be doing as much as you can to take care of the house, including cooking.

Post # 27
Member
787 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  +1. There are a surprising amount of people who don’t know that your tax return isn’t free money!

Post # 28
Member
7382 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

View original reply
O.My.Heart:  +1 About the EI.  If you didn’t work long enough paying into it, you wouldn’t be getting it.  If you had a lower paying job before that you wouldn’t be getting the same amount.

It sounds like you haven’t been unemployed for a long time, so there’s a good chance you won’t even recieve all the money that you paid into it.  I don’t know what’s up with all the negative comments about EI, it comes from the same pool used for maternity/parental benefits and I don’t hear the same number of negative comments that way.

When it comes to dinner, does your husband actually expect it to be on the table when he walks in the door?  Or is it just that he wants it started?  I will often do the actually planning and will have done some of the prep and then DH and I will cook together.  The two of you could also do some prep the night before, and then you could throw things into a crockpot in the morning, enjoy the smell while doing other things around the house.

Post # 29
Member
7382 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

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HannahGrace:  EI is officially called employment insurance, not unemployment insurance.  The former employer doesn’t cover the costs.  Self-employed people can opt into it.  Cheques get larger later in the year after the payments for that year have been maxed out because it comes off the paycheque.

Post # 30
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
HannahGrace:  I don’t know where OP lives, but in Canada you directly pay into Employment Insurance. You pay about 2% of insured earnings and your employer contributes with about 3%, I believe. Here, anyone who has paid into their EI account can apply for EI benefits. 

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