(Closed) Unemployed and fighting with DH. Vent & advice!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

Baroness_Meg:  Yes, I understand that now, as I clarified.  No need for ALL THE CAPS.

Post # 47
Member
2880 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with most PPs EXCEPT that the OP absolute did earn the money she receives from the government. She’s not earning it presently, but she earned it by paying taxes when she was working and she will resume earning it when she goes back to work. 

Post # 48
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, I am shocked by the sheer rudeness of some PP’s and their pretty uninformed perspective. If you didn’t have a job before, you would NOT be getting unemployment…so that money is only coming in because you worked before. So technically it is a financial contribution.

OP, I am sorry your husband is being a jerk. It really sucks to be kicked when you are down. I agree that if you are home, you should be contributing in other ways, but maybe this is something to be further discussed. Can you sit down and talk about your concerns and maybe come up with a compromise?

Post # 49
Member
8943 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I can’t believe he pitched a fit the one night you didn’t cook.  He does know that most people eat leftovers, right?

Good luck in your new job, OP!

Post # 50
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

another note about EI in Canada: there is paperwork you have to fill out, and you have to be actively looking for work in order to claim it. OP hasn’t just been without ‘working’ responsibilities!

also, I think that anyone replying to this who has not gone through a period of not-at-fault unemployment should just shut the fuck up right now. Especially if they are all high-and-mighty about how they would have a hot June Cleaver meal on the table the second their husbands walk home.

Unemployment seriously sucks ass, can lead to depression, and nobody is at their best when that is the case.  Also, why the hell should someone’s default ‘job’ be the chore they think is crappiest? Why is no one saying kudos for keeping the house nice and clean? Kudos, OP. Kudos. 

Post # 51
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

What are you people talking about?! You can’t get EI unless you worked and contributed to it. So, telling her she hasn’t earned that money is plain ignorant.

I think her husband is being a bit of a jerk. He quit a job last year and had no money coming in at all, yet feels superior because he was making dinner. Plus, he is so insensitive he can’t even bite his tongue knowing she starts a new job April 21.

If you are planning to have a child with him, I’d discuss responsibilties and the division of labor before taking that on.

Post # 52
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

View original reply
AB Bride:  Thanks for the clarification, I didn’t realize the OP is in Canada.

Post # 53
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

View original reply
MrsN14:  ahh…. She did earn it.  She would not be able to collect unemployment benefits if she had not earned them.  Granted, she’s not working for it now, but her previous employer paid into the unemployment insurance in the form of taxes on her behalf, just as he has to do for all his employees.  This is not something she is just “given” and didn’t earn. 

Post # 54
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Your husband is fully capable of preparing his own dinner. Let him. 

Before, you were both bringing in money and both contributing to the chores.  Now, you are still both bringing in money and you should still both be contributing to the chores.  If you were permanantly unemployed it would be a different story, but this is a temporary situation that you did not ask for and don’t even really enjoy.  Your temporary unemployment doesn’t absolve him from all house work!   

It would be nice if you did a few more duties around the house, but it needn’t be cooking if that’s not your strength.  There are plenty of chores for everybody, and if all your husband has to do when he gets home is cooking because everything else has been done, he should consider himself a lucky man.  

Post # 55
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Jeez, can the argument stop about whether or not the OP “earned” the EI?  She worked prior to getting laid off and since she lives in Canada, she did pay into EI.  That isn’t the part that’s disputable.

OP, I went through and read some of your previous threads and I can understand wanting some recognition from your husband about your contribution seeing that you were much more lenient on him when he quit his job.  I obivously don’t know him or you, but he doesn’t come across as the type that’s going to blow sunshine your way.  Would it be nice? – absolutely!

It sounds like there is a bit of resentment from your husband that he thinks you’re just home all day farting around.  I’d probably be upset if I worked and you had made dinner only 50% of the time like you admitted.  But, you acknowledged that it’s something you’re aware about and need to work on. 

At this point, all you can do is change yourself – you’re not going to change him.  He’s not going to magically become Mr. Wonderful even though you were really nice to him when the tables were turned.  We all need that recognition – when I was unemployed last year I was quite depressed so I know what you’re going through – but we’re not always going to get it from other people when we want it.  I think you should be given a bit more slack than he’s given you and at this point all you can do is tell him how you feel.

Post # 56
Member
3537 posts
Sugar bee

To clarify, I think most people understand that she did put in to unemployment in her previous job, that isn’t the issue.  No one is negating that and I haven’t really seen anything on this thread suggesting she doesn’t deserve it.

 However; my point was that this shouldn’t be considered a fixed income ( which the OP makes it sound like she doesn’t view it that way, either). MY issues, or suggestion, was that she take this time to figure out what they want for the household.  Road #1: she becomes a permanent Stay-At-Home Wife, and in that case then yes—I would expect that her duties WOULD include housework, grocery shopping, errand running and the sort. If this is the path she wants, fine— it doesn’t sound like her DH is on the same page with that.

Road #2 is that she ultimately wants back into the workforce, well if that is the case, your fulltime job is finding a fulltime job.  Period. Government assistance is meant for just that, assistance—not sustainability. So I can see why her DH isn’t really accepting it with open arms, sounds like they just both view their current financial situation in a different light.

Bottom line is, sounds like you both have faced a lot of career uncertainty over the past year—so,  I think it would be wise to really sit down and draw up and projected plan on who is responsible for what, what career paths you both want to develop and if one person staying home is something you can budget for indefinitely, and not just when you do have assistance.

Post # 57
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

I am a Stay-At-Home Wife.  I am also an artist and run my own etsy shop, do my own marketing, and maintain my own business.  I’m also disabled.  I am not collecting disability.

But there was a time when I was collecting unemployment. It burns me to no end when people say that people on unemployment did not earn it.  They absolutely could not collect unemployment insurance if they had not worked and had not contributed to the unemployment funding.  

That said, if you are home and collecting unemployment, that money is a contribution to the household finances. Your first priority, when collecting unemployment is to search for work. (Congrats on your new job, BTW! whoo-hoo!) Your second priority, should be doing more around the house, including cooking dinner. I understand that cooking isn’t your thing, but it is one of the things your husband is expecting you to do, so it would be a nice gesture to do so, if only to keep the peace between you. Plus, the person who has more time to do things around the house, should do more. 

I will admit that I am not always the best housekeeper, and I don’t always have dinner ready when my husband gets home. I’m not always right on top of the laundry or the dishes. But for the most part, our house is clean, there is always food available, we have clean clothes, and there are clean dishes to eat off.  Still, it does seem that the only time my husband notices things that are done around the house, is when they are NOT done. That’s when he complains. If things are done, he never notices. And it’s when he complains that I feel unappreciated and feel like I’m being treated like a maid instead of a wife. 

So… I guess I’m trying to say that I understand your frustration. You only have a couple more weeks before you start your new job, so just hang in there.

————–

Oh, and to the person who kept say persay in her post… ARGH!!!! It is spelled “per se”!!!  It’s Latin, and “per” mean “by” and “se” means “itself”.  It is not one word. 

Post # 58
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

View original reply
Mrs_Amanda:  The OP made it very clear in her original post that she is heading back to work later this month, that she is not very good at being a Stay-At-Home Wife and that it is not what she chooses.

To be clear, unemployment or not, not all women are dab hands at playing house. I certainly have spent the better part of my life studying and working, so it doesn’t pain me to admit that cooking paella is not within my skill set, or that I am a fairly rotten home maker. It’s not that I don’t try, I’m just not exceptionally good at it. I think this is what the OP was steering to also. 

Post # 59
Member
3537 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
Flanders:  and I never suggested that she become Martha Stewart 2.0… but if you’re a fully functioning adult you can do the bare minimum.

My suggestion is that if she and her husband continually find themselves at an impasse, maybe it is worth sitting down and discussing the future of their careers, roles around the home and the possibility that one of them could potentially be a SAHP/SAHW/H. The fact that within a years time they have both faced being out of work makes me think that perhaps they would benefit by drawing some lines in the sand on who does what when these tough situations arise and have something in place ( as far as a gameplan goes) when/if they do.

My suggestion also that her DH isn’t in the wrong for not really “counting” on the assistance isn’t unwarranted. You said yourself, she will return to work within the month and *hopefully* replace that assitance with a more robust paycheck. But life happens and sometimes jobs don’t pan out ( as I referenced above) and you’re up shit creek with no plan in place if you don’t talk about finances and how you’ll handle things.

 

Post # 60
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

If you have worked, you too have contributed to the fuding of Unemployment, therefore, IMO the money you get as benefit you are entitled to and was EARNED.<br />

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