(Closed) Unemployed and fighting with DH. Vent & advice!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

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Mrs_Amanda:  I get what you are saying. I think it goes without saying that the OP will be earning soon. No *hopefully* required – yes, jobs don’t always work out, but a few months looking shouldn’t be a deal breaker for a woman who isn’t a gifted housewife. I’m certainly not great at it either. I’d far rather spend my time searching for jobs and updating my CV than cooking – I would go as far as to consider that far more useful than stir fry. But to each their own.

Also, I think she IS doing more than the minimum. All she’s not doing is cooking, that seems to be causing a major upset here – but frankly her house is clean and she’s trying, and willing to admit she could probably do better. All of which should be taken into account before firing up the ol’ online lynchmob. 

 

Post # 62
Member
3537 posts
Sugar bee

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Flanders:  no lynchmob here, just trying to provide some practical advise. 

I will say, her husbands response was out of line– it just sounds like a lot of communication barriers in the way and causing issues. 

Post # 63
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

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Mrs_Amanda:  I agree, and you are spot on with the communication advice! 🙂 

Post # 64
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I feel for you, OP.  I was unemployed for 7 months after finishing my MS, and sure it’s easy to be like “My house would be spotless and dinner would be hot on the table every night and blow jobs would rain down from the heavens!!!!1!1”  But the reality is, it’s fucking depressing being unemployed.  I was in a serious funk and some days I could barely manage to get out of the house, work out, maybe do some grocery shopping or cooking or cleaning.

Although he was insensitive to say that you’re a bad Stay-At-Home Wife, you’re basically awknowledging the same thing yourself…  So in that sense, he does have a point.  However, when I was in your shoes, I would have been hurt if my guy said that.  He knew I was struggling and was really appreciative for all the things I DID do, instead of focusing on what I didn’t do.

Luckily your stint is almost over.  Good luck going back to work 🙂

Post # 65
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1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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beachbride1216:  I agree with you 1000%.  OP, of course your husband is upset you don’t think to have dinner ready for him before he gets home (or at least are working on something for dinner). He’s been working at a job all day and probably wants to come home and relax with you. Whenever DH or I stay home for the day, we ALWAYS cook for the other. Every. Single. Time. No I don’t always like cooking, but I love having something ready for him when I know he’s had a long day. I love that he can come home and we can sit together instead of both sitting there starving, wondering what’s for dinner. (Same goes for him). To me, it’s a courtesy to extend that to your partner. I’m not saying that the cleaning doesn’t count for anything because it does — we do that on our days off, also. But having food ready is a big one, imo. <br /><br />PS – what he said about being a Stay-At-Home Wife was obviously rude and hurtful, but probably just something said out of frustration. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by .
Post # 66
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1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

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O.My.Heart:  I absolutely agree with you. It annoys me to see so many people grunting about how you didn’t “earn” the unemployment, it’s been handed to you, blibbityblah. You pay into the system and when you have a hard time, you reap the benefits of being part of that system. It’s not like you’re a bump on a log who doesn’t do anything and is pounding back government checks. You had a downturn, you have another job lied up, and that’s what unemployment benefits are for.

It would be different if you had been receiving unemployment benefits for 2 or 3 years, progressively going through the tiered system, applying for jobs you know you don’t want and throwing the interviews, but that’s not the case.

Getting dinner on the table more often might appease some of this situation; but I’d still be the furthest from saying, “He wants dinner on the table, you didn’t do it, get your lazy butt in gear.” Maybe mentioning all the chores you DID accomplish that day could detract from dinner not being on the table. That, and sitting down with him and just asking, “What do I need to accomplish on a daily basis for you to feel satisfied with what I’m up to?”

It does sound as though you each value different things about housekeeping; that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean stepping outside of your own shoes and realizing it.

Congratulations on the new job. From the sounds of things, it sounds like you’re doing great.

Post # 67
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My general belief is that all work is split as evenly as possible- if one is working a 40 hour week job and the other isn’t, then the other should be spending 40 hours cleaning/cooking/running errrands/volunteering/being productive.  Anything above that 80 hour mark should be split evenly.  This is regardless of who makes more or where the income comes from.

Post # 68
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

O.My.Heart: I’m with a select few other pp’s that have said it SOUNDS great to say that your house would be completely clean and a perfect homecooked meal would be provided every night. But really? That’s not always how it works. It IS depressing being home all day. And if you’re cleaning every day and sometimes dinner slips away from you, I don’t understand what the big deal is. Even if you just sat on your ass one day and watched a SVU marathon, that’s okay too. But bitching over having leftovers? Come on! 

Just because you are staying at home doesn’t make you an automatic maid. I get that some women enjoy doing domestic things since they are at home and it takes the ease off of someone who works all day, but at some point a line must be drawn. It doesn’t make you a bad Stay-At-Home Wife. 

Obviously, if you’re trying to put in the effort and compromise with him, that’s great. But I feel like there needs to be some compromise on his end to. Just because you’re at home, doesn’t mean you need to fulfill every domestic whim that needs doing. 

And yes, I think if you weren’t getting unemployment checks and he had ADDED stress of figuring out how he was going to pay the bills, he might get a little more slack. But it seems as if life is going on as normal. Only, you’re at home cleaning the house and cooking for him. So I get where you’re coming from there too. 

Post # 69
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2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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Apple_Blossom: 

Does that mean that since my SO has a crazy busy week and can’t actually take his days off, I have to find “something productive” to do with myself on my days off on Sunday and Monday?  Or that later in the year when he can take the three weeks’ vacation he has left that come with his benefits, because I have to be at work he doesn’t get to go? Honestly, when you keep close track of who has done what and who *owes* what ‘work’ I think that is a sign of a dysfunctional rather than a supportive relationship.

 

our SO’s should be our partners, not our bosses or our subordinates. 

Post # 70
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

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O.My.Heart:  I would probat begin to resent my DH if he was not working and considered himself a “stay at home husband”, all the whole collecting unemployment. Fortunately, he is super ambitious and would avoid that happening at all costs.

Hypothetically speaking- if he was not out ALL day, EVERY DAY hunting for a job (like someone who is perfectly able bodied should be) so that he can quit living off of the government, than I would hope that he at least had dinner made and had done a few chores. You are not making financial contributions. The government is. Probably why he doesn’t acknowledge it. It sounds like regardless of where your income is coming from, he thinks you are milking the situation that you are in and he is becoming resentful. 

Post # 71
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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babeba:  Note I said “generally.”  You are looking at extreme cases.  (I also meant “something productive” as a catch-all- doggy day care, gardening, whatever helps the household run.)

You tell me this: if one person works a full time job, and the other does not, is the housework split down the middle?  USUALLY it isn’t, because the one who does not have a full time job has more time on their hands.

Partners, in my opinion, contribute equally as much as practical.

Post # 72
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2405 posts
Buzzing bee

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Apple_Blossom:  I completely agree with you. I’m a SAHM/W – our son is a teenager and in public school. I write part-time, contributing about 1/8th of DH’s yearly salary to the household bills, and during the rest of my “work day” time I do household chores, all laundry and cleaning, all household shopping and 75% of the grocery shopping, and all pet care. I keep track of needed household maintenance, set up repair appts, and do 75% of the yard work including shoveling snow and mowing the lawn. I organize all parenting duties – Dr’s appts, after school activities, making sure DS has school clothes, overseeing homework, driving him to get whatever he needs for whatever he’s into at the moment, etc etc. On weekends, I still do 80% of the household work, sometimes more like 95%, but I figure that evens things out since I do meet a friend for lunch 2-4 times per month, get the occasional haircut during the work day, things like that. IN GENERAL, we each contribute 40 hours of “work” each week, though his fall within a standard work day/week and mine are more spread out over the course of the entire 7 days.

Post # 73
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

Well, as an ETA to my last comment, I see OP may live in Canada. My comment was in regards to how I would feel in your situation in the US. Where a lot of us bees live, and where he unemployment system gets milked on a regular basis. Doesn’t look like that’s the case there, as you guys pay into it the same way we would with social security and such. 

Post # 74
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

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Jijitattoo: More power to you… That all sounds like an awful lot of work/responsibility to feel like your reward is a couple of lunches and a haircut. 

DH and I both make close to equal salaries, which are both above average wages. So I suppose Iwouldn’t  “have” to to work a career-oriented job if I chose not to. We also split household duties. And even with the full time job AND 50% of the housework, it sounds like you work a whole lot harder with much less reward..

Post # 75
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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Apple_Blossom:  In the whole grand scheme of a marriage, I don’t think four months when someone collects unemployment insurance is call for guilting them into starting a “doggy daycare.” Especially not when they are covering their bills with the employment insurance they have paid into their entire working lives and are fully justified in receiving. Seriously, what the hell?  A huge part of the point of that insurance is to give you a bit of financial breathing room and time to figure out exactly what it is you want to do next, career wise, and you can’t sit and have that introspective focus and do 40 hours of whatever make work at the same time.

And those examples (working overtime, taking vacation) are not extreme by any means, they happen all the time in real life. I might take on a few extra tasks around the home while my SO is working extra hours to help relieve his stress levels, but I am doing that out of love, not a sense of duty because he has more work hours in a given week.

 

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