(Closed) Unemployed and fighting with DH. Vent & advice!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I hate cooking. Hate it, I’m not good at it and Fiance does it 80% of the time. When I was on maternity leave ( paid leave mind you so I was still bringing in my full salary) he thought since I was home I’d be Betty fucking Crocker. Guess what? It didn’t happen! Me not going to work did not magically change me or my skill set and he figured it out quick that me being home does not = slave. Once he got off my back and I didn’t feel pressure to be Suzy Homemaker I was a lot more motivated to try to cook and keep things spotless. Having him show appreciation for the things I WAS doing instead of pointing out what I wasn’t doing saved us from killing each other. The way I look at it is- he chose me knowing me. Feeling encouragement and appreciation goes a long way and being resentful over eating left overs and huffing about piddly things is silly. In 5 years will it matter he ate leftovers? No, but I bet you’ll always remember the way he’s making you feel. 

Post # 77
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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O.My.Heart:  wow. I’m sorry that there are some posters that are being really harsh. You are unemployed and have a job lined up In 10 days!  I’d call that far from being lazy. You are not getting “free money,” you have put in your time and honest hard work and the government is helping you out in a time of need. I myself was on government assistance for a while and the whole time worked my tail off trying to get another job. And you know what? Some of the housework didn’t get done because applying for jobs IS a full time job. I think you are doing fine and all this will blow over once you get back to work. 

Post # 78
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

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Apple_Blossom:  I have to agree with someone else… This sounds disfunctional.  

Marriage isn’t something that is split evenly down the middle. There isn’t a time clock to punch, and there isn’t a performance review at the end of every quarter. Sometimes one person does more than the other person, and sometimes one person does a LOT more than the other person. If you’re keeping score, you’re in for a lot of unhappiness.

Marriage is about being flexible. It’s give and take. It isn’t always fair. 

Post # 79
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

WOW the responses on this thread are pretty appalling. Damn, I didn’t know that just because you’re married and currently unemployed (which I’m sure completely sucks due to the amount of stress and it would probably be pretty depressing to stay at home all day) you had to turn into some sort of submissive 50’s housewife?  “Your husband works out of the house all day and you are unemployed. You should have your home cleaned and have dinner ready when he gets home. That 8 hours every day shouldn’t just be free time to do whatever you want. Tidy up, get chores done, get dinner started or planned out and then do what you want. If you’re unemployed, taking care of your home and partner is your full time job right now.”   Damn. I hope you never have a daughter. That is some terrible ‘advice’ and insight. It’s not like OP wants to be unemployed. And just because she’s unemployed doesn’t mean that she should work her ass off at home every single day just to make up for what she’s lacking in contributing. Is that really a marriage? I thought marriage was about equality, love and understanding. I’m 100000% sure that if I were unemployed my FH would NOT expect me to have a ‘hot’ dinner on the table every single night or a spotless house.  I’m sure he would appreciate it but it would NOT be something he would demand or belittle me for. Just like I would never demand that from him.  Just because you’re a Stay-At-Home Wife (NOT BY CHOICE) doesn’t mean that turns you into some cooking-cleaning-robot-fucking-machine. Sometimes life fucking sucks and throws us really shitty curveballs. It doesn’t mean that we’re somehow less or less deserving of support and acknowledgment. This is really unbelievable. ARE THERE NO FEMINISTS ON THE BEE?

Post # 80
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry, but what else are you doing all day? If you are unemployed and home all day and don’t make dinner and then the spouse (male or female I don’t care which) comes home and has to then make dinner for you both after you were lazy all day….. that’s just bull.

Post # 81
Member
10133 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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O.My.Heart:  

You’re right.  EI is a form of insurance.  You did pay into it when you were working & now you happen to need to file a claim against that insurance policy.  It is not a hand out.

Post # 82
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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babeba:  “Doggy day care” didn’t mean starting a doggy day care.  I actually meant taking the dog to training classes or taking it to day care or the vet or whatever it is dog owners do.  Not start a daycare.  My bad, I didn’t think that it would be taken that way.

I SAID NOTHING ABOUT THE EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE.  Actually, my originally reply mentioned something about regardless of where the income came from, I think “work/household duties” should be split as equally as possible, to avoid a one-sided misbalance in effort.  Whether it’s from insurance, the government, the lotto, inheritance, work, I don’t care.  For example, if one person makes $50,000 a year and the other makes $25,000 a year (both full-time jobs with equivalent stress levels, time commitment, and education), that doesn’t automatically mean the lower-earner should do all the household chores.

To sum that up: Time commitment means a hell of a lot more to me than monatary commitment.

I would count searching for work and focusing on what do do next as part of “40 hours of whatever make work.”  I don’t count sitting around the house watching tv part of that.  (That’s not to say that’s what the OP did- I have no idea what the OP did during the day other than chores and search for a job.  That might be enough to satisfy an equal balance, but I don’t know, which is why I worded my original answer the way it was.)

I consider an average weekday a work day, given that of the 52 weeks in a year, 2 weeks would be basic vacation days.  Extreme was the wrong word, I apologize.  I meant abnormal.  Happens all the time, but doesn’t make it an average thing every week.

You said: “I might take on a few extra tasks around the home while my SO is working extra hours to help relieve his stress levels, but I am doing that out of love, not a sense of duty because he has more work hours in a given week.”  EXACTLY.  I think if two people are in a loving, caring relationship, it’s not a duty to try to help out when your partner has more stuff on your plate than you.  So what do you do?  You balance the workload a little more.  It’s not out of duty, it’s out of love.

Post # 83
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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Loribeth:  Thank you for calling my relationship (and mnay others) dysfunctional.  I don’t keep score.  We don’t split things exactly down the middle- it’s hard to quantify.  What I was going for was an even split as much as possible so one person doesn’t get overloaded and end up having no free time because they are stuck with everything.  (That to me is more dysfunctional.)

I’m not unhappy in my relationship.  I’m ecstatic that I have found someone who is willing to put in as much effort as me in work and home.  I would be pissed if I was stuck in a situation where I was forced to do everything or almost everything.  I would feel guilty if I was doing nothing or much less than what my partner was doing.  I think that’s a caring relationship right there- not sticking the other with everything and showing you care about them by doing a fair share of the work.  In return, your partner should want to do the same.

Marriage is about flexibility, and give and take.  It’s not about one person takes and the others gives.  There needs to be an equilibrium where everyone is happy.

(Note: That’s not saying the OP is just taking, for the record.  My original post, which I still stand by, is my general stance on relationships and sharing the workload.  If the OP and her husband feel like the work is split, great.  If they don’t (either one or both), there needs to be a discussion as to whether one person is demanding too much or one is slacking off.)

Post # 84
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

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Apple_Blossom:  I’m sorry you were offended by my post.  The way you worded your original response regarding the 80 hours and such did not sound flexible. If you are happy with your relationship, then that is all that matters. I still don’t agree with your original post, but we can agree to disagree.  I do apologize for offending you. 

Post # 85
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Double

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by .
Post # 85
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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Loribeth:  It’s OK.  I think I come off a little strong all the time.  I’m working on it. 🙂

It was less of a strict “you must put in 40 hours” thing and more of “if your partner is at the office all day and you’re not, it would probably be nice if you did some extra housework so they don’t have to and you can have more free time together.”  In retrospect, I should have spent more time coming up with a better way of explaining this balance.

We can agree to disagree. 🙂

Post # 87
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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Apple_Blossom:  I can see what you think you are  saying – everyone making an equal effort – but I really don’t think you are applying it correctly in the case of the OP.  First, I dont think that the normal running of a household for two people should be enough strain to make someone working 40 hours a week burnt out.  My SIL did this, plus worked usually 10 hour days with 1 week holiday per year allowed max, plus took care of their two kitties while my brother was ill and unable to do much but make the messes and do a bit of grocery shopping. 

OP seemed to be keeping everyone’s body and soul together, keeping the house far cleaner than I would at least, with supper at least half the time made for her SO. Considering she would have been doing other stuff in there as well, like job hunting and brushing up her interview skills, that is totally okay.  Also as I said before… If you haven’t ever gone through a period of unemployment involuntarily (I.e. Fired when it was not your fault), I don’t think you are really qualified to comment on the amount of effort life takes sometimes in that situation due to perfectly understandable depression. 

Post # 88
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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O.My.Heart:  Sorry OP, but I don’t quite understand what you want from your DH?  My Fiance and I both work at the moment and make decent wages, but we do not commend each other on a week by week basis of what money we have brought into the household.  We also don’t divide household chores according to who earnt what.  I think they are two seperate issues.

Are you saying that you should do less while you are unemployed as when he was unemployed he wasn’t bringing any cash in?  Or that his unemployement was worse than your unemployment as he didn’t get paid for it?  Either way,  I don’t think that’s very fair. No matter how much money either of you are bringing in, the same amount of household work needs to be done.  If you were working 50hrs per week and earning $500 and he was doing 30hrs per week and earning $1500, would that mean he has to do less housework even though he has more time than you?

Both my Fiance and I have had periods of unemployment while living together and it has always been that the person who didn’t have a job spent the morning looking and the whole afternoon cleaning and making dinner and lunches etc.  I understand your DH’s frustration as to him, it looks like you do nothing all day.

It’s all good though OP, at the end of the day you will be back at work before you know it and things will go back to normal.  Good luck for the new job!

Post # 89
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This may have already been said but I’m going to stick up for the OP on the Ei front here.

Yes, EI is money from the government however, in Canada (I’m assuming shes from there as I dont think its called EI in the USA) you pay into EI off of every paycheck – It’s employment Insurance, (she’s been paying into this, likely for years), just in case you were to be unemployed. It’s not like  shes leeching off the goverment and Ei is only for a set amount of time to help bridge the gap until you ind work again.<br /><br />

OP – although EI is not the same as bringing in a normal pay cheque – it’s still money that you are bringing in.  I realize you’ll be starting work in a week but it I were you I would have withdrawn the EI money from the bank account and waited to put it back in until your DH “noticed”. 

Post # 90
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

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Apple_Blossom:  Glad we’re cool. 

Now, see, what you said this time, I can completely agree with!

I’m a Stay-At-Home Wife, and that’s how we do things. DH works 40 hr/wk, and I take care of most of the house work, cooking, cleaning, etc. I try to get as much done as I can while he is at work, so we can both unwind together when he gets home. On the weekends, he helps me with the things that still need to be done. 

I think the OP wouldn’t have been so hurt about not having her monetary contribution acknowledged if her DH hadn’t complained about other things. It’s hard enough being unemployed without having the person you love dumping on you too. So I don’t think it was really about things being fair. It was about feeling appreciated and loved in a difficult situation. 

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