Unemployed, Parents Disowned Me, FILs Divorcing; He's Stressed and I'm Stressed

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
369 posts
Helper bee

Is this real life? He wants you to subsidize his home to the tune of 50% while he retains full ownership? And, I assume, pockets the money from the rooms he’s renting out? While you’re married?

You haven’t had a fight because you’re a doormat. Takes one to know one. I’ve totally been there before.

But seriously, is this post a joke?

Post # 3
Member
2996 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t even know where to start with your post, so I’ll just cut to the chase:

Run very, very far away from this “man”. He is attempting to set you up for financial and emotional abuse. This will not end well for you.

Post # 4
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

nope nope nope. He is not kind or loving. He has major major deep issues. There may be good reasons for him to have those issues… but you should not allow him to make you an emotional punching bag because of them. 

RUN FAR AWAY from this man. You need counseling.

Post # 5
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
asteraceae :  Girl you’re in *major* denial if you think your fiancé is generous and egalitarian. Nothing about the financial setup you’ve described is generous or egalitarian of him, it’s shockingly unfair and domineering. The situation you’ve described with the house is disgusting, on numerous levels.

You should postpone the wedding not because of his parents divorce but because he’s a giant, ignorant dick. Being magnanimous, let’s just say he’s suggesting these things because he’s young and stupid. The wedding still needs to be postponed. Financial problems are the number one cause of divorce, and you’ve got a shitload of financial problems in this relationship. I suggest you enrol together in a financial planning course, maybe Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, and complete that before you even begin to discuss further wedding details. And yeah, some counselling for yourself would be great because you need to work on your self-esteem. You’re allowing yourself to be treated like dirt.

Post # 6
Member
800 posts
Busy bee

The first red flag for me was that you guys never had an argument. That’s actually not a good thing imo. Having arguments is normal and it’s how you come out of them that matters.

Second, everything seems so rushed. If you guys want this work, maybe slow down and focus on yourselves first. You sound young and you don’t even have a stable job yet. It’s not necessary for all women to work, but it doesn’t sound like your fiance is the type that is completely ok with financially supporting you. So sounds like you guys need to take a step back. You work on yourself and your career, while he sorts his own stuff out regarding his parents. 

Personally I would end things. You’re still young and have a lot of years ahead of you 

Post # 7
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
asteraceae :  I’m sorry but this is so outrageous that it seems fake….please don’t marry a man who is not willing to support you while you are looking for a job and who wants you to basically pay for a wedding and pay for his home you’d have no claim to if you two should ever divorce.

Post # 8
Member
13889 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There is nothing redeeming about your fiance in this post. This is not love and you deserve better. Leave him.

Post # 9
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Your experience with the highly misogynistic men in your family had warped your view of what is egalitarian and generous. Your fiancé is not a good guy. Don’t marry him.

Post # 10
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

Wow… this sounds really concerning. And what’s even worse is that you think this is a good, fair, egalitarian man. 

His attitude is extremely  selfish.  He’s not ready to be a husband at all. You say you’re planning on havings kids soon. Will that then be “your” expense when you take maternity leave? Will he cover part of your “rent” in exchange for you performing childcare?

Imagine saying you’ll RENT “your” house to your wife…. that’s insane.

The wedding is both of your expense. Not just yours. And he wants a 3 car garage that you won’t be “allowed” to even use?? Are you his future wife or his roommate? 

I fear that because you come from a very controlling family that you’ve internalized being controlled by others as normal and right. Because this man seems just as controlling, if not more so, than your parents. And I wish you the best. 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
10599 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Oh no baby what is you doin 

Post # 13
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee

I do not for the life of me understand why you are even thinking of wedding planning.

 

Neither of you is truly ready for marriage, either independently or as a couple. I would suggest you stay seperate. Date a few years more, gain independence and maturity. 

Post # 14
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
asteraceae :  the words you use to describe him “generous, egalitarian, moral” are not reflected in the situations you recount. 

It’s my opinion that the point of marriage is to legally and financially enmesh you in a way that prevents either one of you from running away from the other when the going gets tough. It’s kind of like voluntarily assuming the responsibility of the other persons troubles for the privilege of having someone to lean on with your own. His ideal financial situation is keeping the door open for him to leave. 

The going will get tough, and god only knows how tough it can get… do you trust that he’ll stay if the door is open? 

Post # 15
Member
7820 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
asteraceae :  Here is a big dose of clarity: your Fi is NOT a good man. I’m sorry, Bee–he wants you to pay half of the mortgage for HIS house while he rents rooms to his friends for almost nothing to help them save money? He takes his friends house-hunting? When someone shows you who they are–believe them. 

At the very least please put any wedding planning on indefinite hold. You do not share the same goals or values and have no business getting married at this time. 

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