Unemployed, Parents Disowned Me, FILs Divorcing; He's Stressed and I'm Stressed

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
11348 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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asteraceae :  

Honey, you’re marrying your parents.  Your fiancé is every bit as misogynistic and controlling.  He will grant you the FAVOR of paying your RENT for a few months?  Quick!  Alert the Vatican!  We have to get a canonization started here.

Bee, in healthy relationships there is *mutuality*.  There is generosity, not only with finances, but generosity of spirit.  What he’s proposing is madness.  You would have zero equity in your own home.

I can absolutely guarantee you that he will get even worse if you marry him and he feels like he really has you locked down.

The best advice I can give you is to live alone for awhile.  Experience different relationships.  Discover what a healthy one looks like.  This is not even close.

Post # 47
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

Holy god.

For the love of all that’s holy, STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS SHITTY BEHAVIOR. This guy is DEMONSTRATING how little he actually values you. He can be as sweet to your face as you like, but that doesn’t change his ACTUAL BEHAVIOR, which is to look out for himself at every.single.opportunity.

This treatment is not okay.

This treatment is NOT OKAY.

THIS TREATMENT IS NOT OKAY.

 

Post # 48
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve moved from one misogynistic, controlling, patriarchal household to another. Why are you okay with him treating you like a lodger instead of a partner? Why can’t he wait until you have a job before buying a house so you both be on the mortgage and then split the bills proportionally? I’ll tell you why, because he sees that you’re a doormat and he’s taking advantage of it.

Everything you’ve described is massively in his favour at your expense. This guy does not value you or see you as an equal. He calls all the shots and you just go along with it. You need to wake up and smell the coffee, he’s not a good guy and this is a terrible situation to put yourself in. I wish I could shake some sense into you, DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. He will drain you for all you’re worth while he lives the life of Riley and you’ll be left with nothing. 

Post # 49
Member
7023 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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asteraceae :  Fiance is willing to support me financially 100% (excluding money toward my retirement) if/when/while we have children too young for school.

Do you understand that this means he is willing to have a really cheap nanny who also cooks, cleans and has sex with him while you give up retirement savings, career advancement, etc., etc.? I bet you’d have to beg him for an allowance. This is grossly unfair. Your Fi is taking his issues with his parents’ divorce out on you–don’t stand for it. Don’t send out any save the dates, don’t plan anything else, don’t make any commitment to a man with his mindset. He’s not considering you or what’s best for you as well, only what’s best for him, and you can’t build a happy marriage on that. 

Post # 50
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

“Fiance is afraid I’ll be lazy and refuse to get and keep a good job.”

I just feel the need to echo slomotion here. Baby girl what is you doin’?

if this were worth saving, I would suggest talking about a prenup. But I don’t think he’s worth it. Ask me how I know.

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asteraceae :  

Post # 51
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

nope nope nope nope nope

Post # 52
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

So he’s willing to support you staying at home once you pop out a child. BUT wont help you save for retirement during this. THATS A BIG F** RED FLAG!! That alone would make me run. He doesnt sound like he even wants to be married. He wants roommates possibly to make up for the fact that you are unemployed, which is semi understandable i guess. But he sounds like he’s focused more on setting himself up for life, by charging you rent, not having you on the mortgage, having people live in his home and pay rent, doesnt care about your retirement for the long term, only his. 

i would be super cautious, maybe once you find a stable job and see if he changes. But if he’s still not willing to change once you have a stable income, i would dump him and move on. 

Post # 53
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

Dump this guy DO NOT RECYCLE !!!! 

Post # 54
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

One more time:  Baby girl, what is you doin’?

RUNNNNNN!

Post # 55
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I stopped reading when you said your fiance wants you to pay rent on the house that he buys! There is so much wrong here that I don’t even know where to begin. 

I would suggest you end this relationship now before getting in any deeper. Find a room mate and start over. If you can’t find work where you live, then perhaps it’s time to move somewhere else. 

Post # 56
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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asteraceae :  Your Fiance is planning his future as if there’s a strong chance your marriage won’t last. And in that event, he would be protected, and you would not be. He would own the house, you wouldn’t. He makes more than you, and has for a while, so he’ll have savings, you will have much less. I imagine the next step is that he will want a prenup. 

Think about the words you’ve used to describe your Fiance and your relationship. 

You’ll pay rent to him to live in HIS home. 

Your finances will be COMPLETELY SEPARATE, even though you never discussed or agreed to this when you got engaged. 

Your Fiance DOES NOT CARE about the basic desires you have for a house you’ll live in together, such as safety and a good education for possible future kids.

Instead, he’s prioritizing a shed and space for himself and friends, that you will not be ALLOWED to enter. 

He’s insisting you pay for all wedding expenses he designates as yours, clearly not seeing that a marriage is a joining, and he’s a part of the wedding too, so should contribute to the wedding as a whole.

He also is either ignorant or dense and unwilling to hear you when you explain what things cost. Unless you have something extremely small, $800 is not going to cover it. If you want a small wedding, that’s fine, but you should split the cost of it down the middle.

Read your post. You’re engaged to be married to a man who will want everything of value separated into his and hers, with him having the upper hand. He doesn’t care about your wants or the safety and education of future children. He believes he can dictate what you are allowed and not allowed to do or whether you’re allowed to go into a place he considers his. You say yourself that he’s acting like you’ll be divorced before you’re even married, meaning your chances of success in this marriage are negligible. 

Finally, you seem to be excusing all of this disgusting behavior by way of his parent’s sudden divorce. All this does is highlight how immature your Fiance is that he can’t separate your relationship form his parents and it shows he has a huge lack of trust in you. 

Post # 57
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

1) Your FIL’s marriage is not his. In fact, it’s not even his business. Their his parents, that doesn’t change. What they are to one another does. 

2) He feels responsible for their divorce because he thinks they stayed together for him?!?  Read that again. It sounds like they should have divorced some time ago but didn’t. If anything, by his logic, he kept them together. 

3) You can’t have the wedding you want because he and some other people think that his mother will be disappointed even though SHE said she didn’t mind. She’s a grown woman who can speak for herself. Listen to her not what other people think she wants. 

4) You want to be a homeowner, too, not a renter. He doesn’t care and only wants to protect his assets. That isn’t love and partnership. It’s selfish. 

5) He wants his friends to live with you so that he can help them and continue to hang with them. He wants you to help supplement their support by paying half. Are you kidding? 

You have placed yourself beneath him. You are not partners. He is not treating you equally or even well. Please don’t marry him, at least not now. You deserve better. 

Post # 58
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Image result for red flags"

Image result for red flags"

There were not enough red flags in one picture alone, so I felt the need to post it twice. Good grief lady! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! 

Post # 59
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I can’t even believe what I read  No, just no.  Do not marry this man.  Get out now while you can.  Nothing about this situation is good.  

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