Post # 32
I honestly don’t think you’ve spent enough time together. Less than a year and you see each other 3 times a week? There’s no rush to get engaged. Obviously if he hasn’t asked yet, he isn’t ready (and I can’t blame him. You haven’t known each other long enough). Enjoy this time together, get to know each other better, make sure you cover all the biggies (money, sex, politics, children, religion, etc). You wouldn’t believe how many people get engaged/married without knowing how their partner feels about important topics. Don’t rush into the next step.
Post # 33
I’ve read all the other posts and it really comes across as you just want to be married, not that you want to be with him. You’re relationship isn’t special, you see each other 3 times a week max and have been together less than a year. There’s no way you can get to know someone completely after spending that little time together. I’m not trying to insult your relationship, but you need a serious dose of reality. Why do you want to get married in the first place? If it’s to spend your life with HIM, then start focusing on him and the relationship. Think about what he wants/needs before marriage rather than the fact that you just want it now. Enjoy the time you are spending with him and focus on making the most of your relationship now and getting to know each other better.
Post # 34
i usually respond completely differently on these kinds of posts.
I got engaged quickly (a year) to my husband and I generally believe that it doesn’t take more than a few years max to know whether you want to be with someone forever.
i think a lot of guys who are keeping their GFs ‘waiting’ for years and years are kind of being jerks and I don’t think men should have all the power to decide about marriage.
I also didn’t believe in living together or having sex before marriage for me personally.
I say all that so that, OP, you can know that I’m actually coming from a similar place as you!
but. . .even given all the above facts about myself, i actually agree with pretty much every other comment that has been made on this thread.
6 months is REALLY a very short time. if he were ready and proposing now, I wouldn’t tell you to say no! But i really don’t think you should fault a man for not being ready after 6 months or even after a year or 18 months. it really doesn’t mean he is stringing you along. it just means he is taking time to make a wise decision. he loves you,but he wants to be sure you are going to work as a couple **for the rest of your life** and also he has to save for a ring of course!
unless your guy is rich, it will likely take 6 months from the time he decides to marry you, to the time he is able to propose with a diamond just for financial purposes.
patience is a good thing to learn to develop although I know it is tough. . .
Post # 35
Just a quick response to you all!
On age: He is only a year younger than me and is really mature for his age. Has a house, car, working on a grad. degree. I am also mature for my age. Lived abroad several years. Getting my own grad. degree.
On Marriage: I don’t want to ‘be married’, I want to be married to him. We see each other 3/4 days out of the week, which is good considering and won’t get better until we are married since I won’t live with him. The cultural beliefs I have aren’t changing and it’s something he’s understood since we met.
On time: It’s only been 10 months. True! But when you know you know and why put off the inevitable? I have faith that he will put my happiness before buying some fancy ring (that I don’t care about). Also no need to save for a wedding I don’t want (and that my parents can pay for if I am forced down that path).
Perhaps I am selfish to be impatient about starting my life with him. Probably actually. And yes, I do typically get my way (though I often work my butt off for it). I can just say that this has nothing to do with a biological clock (I am fully preped and ready to artificially inseminate at 32 solo dolo) and he knows this.
After our last (my last) freak out. He texted me and said ” I know that all you want is me and all I want is you so I just need to figure it out”. He is sweet and perfect and you may not see it through this one thread but we are super special and unique (as I am sure you and yours are too).
SO! I shall continue on this bored in order to save him some sanity, but I doubt my timelines (or lack there of) will change much nor my personality (much to my dear mothers chagrin!). Well have a lovely weekend and I will be back next week to vent, provide virtual back pats, etc.And as always thank yall for taking the time out to respond!
Post # 36
I think confusion would be avoided if you labeled your future posts with VENT!! instead of “I’d like some input on this situation”
Vent we understand…. but you asked for input you didn’t really want.
Either way, the bee is here so we can preserve our sanity in real life and so we can bounce ideas off each other. So at the end of the day your vent is just as welcome here as a post asking for advice. I’m glad you found the bee! I’m glad we all found the bee! LOL.
Post # 37
@bmo88: This is an excellent post.
Marriage does not make a commitment. Commitment exists entirely independent of marriage. There are plenty of uncommitted married partners and plenty of very committed unmarried ones.
If marriage is important to you, that is fine, but I do think it is short sighted to say you won’t do things like care for him if he is sick because you are not married. I know *I* would hesitate to marry anyone who truly believed a life together only started with marriage. Not only because I would feel they were holding back and I never really had a chance to know them enough to marry them, but also because that is sure putting a lot of high expectations on marriage as its own “thing” rather than simply a legal status. I’d also be pretty hesitant to marry someone who freaked out about it all the time especially a few months into dating! Maybe this would not bother me so much in the honeymoon stage but if I was really self-aware and thinking in terms of a life together, I probably would be.
I am not going to say that at 10 months it is completely impossible to know you want to marry someone. My own husband and I were engaged before a year and married a couple months after that, but only you can know if you base this on a genuine intimacy and knowledge of the person and yourself as a person, and of your relationship together. I know my own experience with my husband and my sense of just knowing we were ready individually and as a couple was completely different than when I had *thought* I wanted to get married in a couple previous relationships early on. And for us, while we had talked about marriage, I can say that the decision to get engaged and married came quite naturally. We already knew we wanted to be life partners and I was quite comfortable and happy with that. I was rather surprised when he proposed (in some somewhat unusual circumstances) but not because I was surprised he wanted to be my life partner, but rather because to me we already were.
I would encourage you to relax and focus more on nourishing the relationship and the emotional intimacy – a lifelong venture – rather than the “we must get married” part. I also don’t think your views on living together before marriage and so on should rush things. in my personal opinion a couple who wants to be married ought to be married when they are ready as individuals, and ready in the relationship. If you are still having freakouts, where he ends up reassuring you, and you seem to use examples like wanting to care for him when he is sick as reasons to get married, I am just not quite convinced you/the relationship IS ready. It still sounds a bit like a honeymoon stage shifting a bit into power struggling now. I mean, I do not mean to offenc but “freaking out” does not really indicate to me you are at the “ready” stage.
I understand that you feel like “if it is forever, why wait” but there are very, very, very good reasons to wait until you are both on the same page and if he has not proposed yet he isn’t and the pressure is not going to get him there faster (not to say he might not propose anyway, but he may not truly be ready when he does) and to ensure your relationship is also there. I do think he can see it happening, so do not think I am saying it is not going to happen, but I also think that just because he can see it does not mean it has to happen today or tomorrow!
Post # 38
@RayKay: +1 Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Post # 39
@Bunny82: It was advice I sought and thankully recieved. Granted I got the best advice immediately (be still thy mouth) as seems to be typical in life!
@RayKay: He knows it isn’t an I want to be married, it’s I want to marry you. Also my freak outs are because I feel things deeply so I tend to cry when I talk about certain things. He gets that I’m a cryer so I doubt he looks at it as a sign of anything negative. Also I think some realize that it isn’t that I won’t take care of him when he is sick, it is that in this state I can be barred from it because I am not family. We have had several hospital visits for him and each time I get different treatment because of our status. I don’t want to see the day I can’t care for him because of it and I know he doesnt either (because I am hilarious in a hospital. jokes for days). In anycase, I know I am ready and I think he is too.
Now for that pesky detail of not bringing it up! In an update, this weekend he kept making comments about how he tends to wait too long for things while looking at me sheepishly or squeezing my hand. So I am pretty sure that after the talk following my last freak out he had an epiphany =0)
He is really caring and perfect. I don’t think he feels I have been unfair to him at all. I guess I could have lied and been more patient, but I don’t have the ability to be dishonest with him. Hopefully my forwardness will get this show on the road!
Post # 40
I’ve had a few friends get married due to hospital visits. They really should ammend restrictions like that. If you’re someone’s emergency contact you should be able to work with the hospital with full rights, wife or husband or not. IMO.