(Closed) Unfairly Waiting? (but also a newbee)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I honestly don’t think you’ve spent enough time together. Less than a year and you see each other 3 times a week? There’s no rush to get engaged. Obviously if he hasn’t asked yet, he isn’t ready (and I can’t blame him. You haven’t known each other long enough). Enjoy this time together, get to know each other better, make sure you cover all the biggies (money, sex, politics, children, religion, etc). You wouldn’t believe how many people get engaged/married without knowing how their partner feels about important topics. Don’t rush into the next step.

Post # 33
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’ve read all the other posts and it really comes across as you just want to be married, not that you want to be with him. You’re relationship isn’t special, you see each other 3 times a week max and have been together less than a year. There’s no way you can get to know someone completely after spending that little time together. I’m not trying to insult your relationship, but you need a serious dose of reality. Why do you want to get married in the first place? If it’s to spend your life with HIM, then start focusing on him and the relationship. Think about what he wants/needs before marriage rather than the fact that you just want it now. Enjoy the time you are spending with him and focus on making the most of your relationship now and getting to know each other better.

Post # 34
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

i usually respond completely differently on these kinds of posts.

I got engaged quickly (a year)  to my husband and I generally believe that it doesn’t take more than a few years max to know whether you want to be with someone forever.

i think a lot of guys who are keeping their GFs ‘waiting’ for years and years are kind of being jerks and I don’t think men should have all the power to decide about marriage.

I also didn’t believe in living together or having sex before marriage for me personally.

I say all that so that, OP, you can know that I’m actually coming from a similar place as you!

but. . .even given all the above facts about myself, i actually agree with pretty much every other comment that has been made on this thread.  

6 months is REALLY a very short time. if he were ready and proposing now, I wouldn’t tell you to say no! But i really don’t think you should fault a man for not being ready after 6 months or even after a year or 18 months. it really doesn’t mean he is stringing you along. it just means he is taking time to make a wise decision. he loves you,but he wants to be sure you are going to work as a couple **for the rest of your life** and also he has to save for a ring of course!

unless your guy is rich, it will likely take 6 months from the time he decides to marry you, to the time he is able to propose with a diamond just for financial purposes.

patience is a good thing to learn to develop although I know it is tough. . .

 

Post # 36
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

I think confusion would be avoided if you labeled your future posts with VENT!! instead of “I’d like some input on this situation”

 

Vent we understand…. but you asked for input you didn’t really want. 

 

Either way, the bee is here so we can preserve our sanity in real life and so we can bounce ideas off each other.  So at the end of the day your vent is just as welcome here as a post asking for advice.    I’m glad you found the bee!  I’m glad we all found the bee!  LOL. 

Post # 37
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@bmo88:  This is an excellent post.

Marriage does not make a commitment. Commitment exists entirely independent of marriage. There are plenty of uncommitted married partners and plenty of very committed unmarried ones.

If marriage is important to you, that is fine, but I do think it is short sighted to say you won’t do things like care for him if he is sick because you are not married. I know *I* would hesitate to marry anyone who truly believed a life together only started with marriage. Not only because I would feel they were holding back and I never really had a chance to know them enough to marry them, but also because that is sure putting a lot of high expectations on marriage as its own “thing” rather than simply a legal status. I’d also be pretty hesitant to marry someone who freaked out about it all the time especially a few months into dating! Maybe this would not bother me so much in the honeymoon stage but if I was really self-aware and thinking in terms of a life together, I probably would be.

I am not going to say that at 10 months it is completely impossible to know you want to marry someone. My own husband and I were engaged before a year and married a couple months after that, but only you can know if you base this on a genuine intimacy and knowledge of the person and yourself as a person, and of your relationship together. I know my own experience with my husband and my sense of just knowing we were ready individually and as a couple was completely different than when I had *thought* I wanted to get married in a couple previous relationships early on. And for us, while we had talked about marriage, I can say that the decision to get engaged and married came quite naturally. We already knew we wanted to be life partners and I was quite comfortable and happy with that. I was rather surprised when he proposed (in some somewhat unusual circumstances) but not because I was surprised he wanted to be my life partner, but rather because to me we already were.

I would encourage you to relax and focus more on nourishing the relationship and the emotional intimacy – a lifelong venture – rather than the “we must get married” part. I also don’t think your views on living together before marriage and so on should rush things. in my personal opinion a couple who wants to be married ought to be married when they are ready as individuals, and ready in the relationship. If you are still having freakouts, where he ends up reassuring you, and you seem to use examples like wanting to care for him when he is sick as reasons to get married, I am just not quite convinced you/the relationship IS ready. It still sounds a bit like a honeymoon stage shifting a bit into power struggling now. I mean, I do not mean to offenc but “freaking out” does not really indicate to me you are at the “ready” stage.

I understand that you feel like “if it is forever, why wait” but there are very, very, very good reasons to wait until you are both on the same page and if he has not proposed yet he isn’t and the pressure is not going to get him there faster (not to say he might not propose anyway, but he may not truly be ready when he does) and to ensure your relationship is also there. I do think he can see it happening, so do not think I am saying it is not going to happen, but I also think that just because he can see it does not mean it has to happen today or tomorrow! 

 

Post # 38
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@RayKay:  +1 Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Post # 40
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

I’ve had a few friends get married due to hospital visits.  They really should ammend restrictions like that.  If you’re someone’s emergency contact you should be able to work with the hospital with full rights, wife or husband or not.  IMO.

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