Post # 1
I’m a regular poster using a different screenname for privacy reasons. I need your advice and thoughts on my current situation.
My husband and I have been married for a while now. We’re very happy together, enjoy eachother’s company, and are a true team. Prior to meeting my husband, I had a strong libido and met this fella whom I had the most amazing sexual chemistry with. As soon as I met my husband, I stopped seeing him, as I wanted to have a clear mind. I didn’t want for our relationship to be clouded by anything. My husband and I had an average sex life prior to marriage, but now we have an almost non-existant sex life. I admit that I’m not as eager to be with him as I used to be because I feel as if it’s a “chore”. He is not the most physically fit individual and doesn’t seem to put forth an effort to please me during intimate moments. When I try to communicate this to him, he gets defensive and starts to point the finger at me. I try to make suggestions, but feel as if communicating with him about this has made things even worse (like I’m comparing him to past partners).
I realize the above predicament is something that is fairly common amongst marriages and I’m more than willing to deal with our situation. I have been wondering if it’s just me (hormonal changes, stress, etc.) or a combination of factors. I decided to confide in a couple single friends of mine recently and one of them posed a question to me. She asked me “If someone I had great chemistry with in the past were to walk in the room and you were single, would you want to have sex with him?”. I thought for a brief moment, and the answer was “YES!”. That really helped to put things into perspective for me and made me realize that I haven’t lost my libido. It’s just our lack of chemistry.
So, you’re probably wondering why I titled this thread “Unfaithful?”. Well…the other night I contacted the fella that I had incredible sex with prior to meeting my husband. He remembered me from years ago! We chatted on Facebook messenger for a while. I learned that he, too, was married and has a child. I shared with him my frustrations and he told me that he and his wife do not share intimate moments very often now that they had their first child. We then shared with one another what we enjoyed about one another and both admitted that we had the best sex together!
I would never consider physically cheating on my husband, whom I love very much. But, is chatting with my ex-lover being unfaithful? Shall I stop communicating with him completely? Any words of advice to help approach my husband in order to improve our love life? HELP!
P.S. Sorry this was SOOOOO long!
Post # 3
In My Humble Opinion: YES! If the situation was turned and you stumbled upon a conversation like this between your husband and their former lover, would you be okay with it? I feel like if you need to talk to someone about this it needs to be your husband and a counselor not an ex.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t be communicating with this guy. Honestly, nothing good can come from it. I know it isn’t what your husband wants, but the two of you need to have an honest conversation without any finger pointing about who’s fault it is. It might not just be about his sex life, he might need to start getting active to be a healthier person so he will be with you for a long time! You might want to get sneaky like make healthier food for you to eat and go on walks together to get him active.
Post # 5
Yes, I think that if you wouldn’t want your husband reading the conversation, you probably shouldn’t continue it!
Post # 6
You’re on a slippery slope. Hop back on the ski lift and get out of there!
Post # 7
To me, this is wrong. If I was married and did this I would feel guilty. But I also look at it if my spouse did this I would consider it being unfaithful. Just the scenerio and the intentions of going to talk to him are what really does it. Seek counselling for your marriage. A lot of the time sexual inteimacy and chemistry starts with other things …dig deeper. Maybe the problem started somewhere else?
Post # 8
You need to immediately end contact with your ex-lover. It may not be physically cheating, but sounds like it errs on the side of emotional cheating. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. If you found out, he was communicating about the best sex he ever had with the person he had it with, wouldn’t you feel betrayed, hurt, distrustful, etc, etc.
Post # 9
Chatting with an ex-lover about how your best sex was with each other and your respective marriages are lacking in intimacy is a form of being unfaithful. I’d suggest stopping these conversations immediately and trying to find the root cause of what’s affecting your relationship with your husband.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t say you have been unfaithful by having this discussion but I WOULD worry about you continuing a dialog with this man. Its a dangerous game, you could very easily wind up hurting your husband and your marriage.
Re: you and your husband, I love the quote from S&TC “If the sex isn’t great,
it doesn’t help to say it’s not great.” I actually (generally) agree. I would suggest trying to start by pretending to be attracted to your husband the way you wish you were. Fake it for a while. Pour some wine, put on something cute/sexy, etc etc. Maybe show him what you like instead of telling him what you like. Sometimes you have to work on it for awhile but I think passion in a marriage is very important!
Post # 11
Yes…I think this is a road what will go to a bad place…
Post # 12
I know what I did was wrong. I just feel so frustrated and disconnected from my husband lately because of our lack of sexual chemisty. In the past our love life was at least decent, but things keep dwindling. When I talk with him about things, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. I’ve asked him to touch me in a more seductive way, but he continues to do silly things instead. For example, I shared with him that it’s very hard for me to feel aroused if you squeeze my breast and go “honk-honk” (no joke). I love that he makes me laugh, but his timing is horrible sometimes. I don’t know what else to do….
Post # 13
Absoloutely you should stop communicating with him. You haven’t cheated yet but you looked up this guy for a reason. You’re unhappy with your current situation and talking with this guy particularly about your “great sex” is only leading in a bad direction.
As PP stated, just think of how you would feel if your husband did this and you found it.
You need to work on your sex life with your husband, nothing good can come from further communication with this guy.
Post # 14
If I saw my husband talk like that it would be instant divorce- no joke. Your lack of sex life with your husband is not an excuse.
Post # 15
I don’t think this conversation in-and-of-itself is cheating but you are definitely on a slippery slope.
Post # 16
It helps to read all of your posts and make me realize the significance of the situation and what it might lead to. I have never cheated on anyone and would certainly never want to cheat on my husband! I will discontinue contact with the ex-lover immediately.
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: I appreciate your words of advice. Rather than me working out alone, I’ll do my best to get my husband involved.
@Sunchick19: Thanks for your words of wisdom. I really need to work on changing my own mindset about things. I’m sure that it’s a blow to his ego when I tell him what isn’t working. I need to be more guiding and sensitive.