Post # 1
Hi Bees. I’m new to the hive and I need your advice. Thank you all in advance.
I have been dating my SO for five years. I must disclose that he is 4 1/2 years younger than me. I also have a child from a previous relationship. We met right before he started college. The first four years were tough because we were both in school. We did, however, speak about a future together. I really love this man and I want to marry him so I started to talk to him about being engaged and married about a year ago. After much discussion he ended up giving me a ring and moving in with me. This April I could tell he was unhappy but he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I realized that his unhappiness stemmed from the fact that he felt trapped living with all the new responsibilities that he had gained by moving in with me. (Before moving in he lived in a dorm and before that with his parents. Everything was done for him.) I never asked him to take care of me or my son, just himself. I asked him if my realization was correct and he agreed that he was miserable. He ended up moving out very quickly. He now says that he is not ready for marriage right now but he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He says he needs to be on his own for a while and that he might be ready next year. I’m so confused about this whole situation. Should I wait? It really hurts that he doesn’t want to put in the work. I love him dearly but I feel like we aren’t on the same page anymore. My first priority is my son so I really feel like I should move on from this and not put part of my life on hold.
Post # 3
He is really young and seems to feel that he hasnt experienced what many young college people experience. You dont want him marrying you out of pressure.
You are 4 1/2 years older so I am assuming mid 20’s? You have time as well to wait and let him be young. Its only you who can decide if you want to wait for him, but he definately seems to need his space.
Post # 4
How old is he? He must be very young because he’s still in a college? If he’s that young, I think you should move on because he might not be ready to settle a family and then become a dad right away.
Post # 5
@loopsygirl: Welcome to the hive 🙂 I honestly feel that he does love you but he isnt really ready for a serious commitment or responsibilities and I know you do love him but I dont think you should wait you have a child and a life of your own you shouldnt have to wait just on him.
Post # 6
it seems he needs to realise what it means to be an adult. i dont mean this in a
snarky way i promise, but when you livei nyour own place (even with room mates)
you quickly learn to cook/clean/take care of yourself. i assume you dont have that in dorm rooms??
its hard for a complete stranger to judge,,,he might be asking for a break with the intention of being alone and breaking up with you, but he might be asking you to wait a bit until he feel more mature/ready
Post # 7
I think it’s hard to go from the dorms to a ready made family situation. I would give him some time to be by himself, he may just need the extra time to grow up a bit and see the adult world for himself, if that makes sense. Maybe put a cap on it of a year or so, re-evaluate. He will soon realize that even living by yourself, its a lot of work compared to having omeone else doing the cleaning or cooking! But I would give him that time.
Post # 8
Welcome to the hive! Coming from someone who has lived in dorms and experienced the “college life”, I definitely think it’s a “cultural” shock coming into that situation. Going from only having to worry about yourself, relying on your “meal points” card for food, and just overall being overall care free…..it will absolutely take some time and adjustment to be in the “real world” living and acting as a family unit. I think he just needs time be out in the real world and time to grow into an adult…on his own. I don’t think he’s immature at all, he just need to transition. I also don’t think he doesn’t love or care for you. It sounds like his feelings are genuine but he needs that time to transition into adulthood, and if he feels he needs that time to do it alone, then give him his space.
Should you wait for him? I guess it depends on how strong your relationship is. If you truly feel in your heart that he’s “the one” (and the feeling’s mutual), then yes you should wait. How long? Only you can decide this. Good luck, OP!
ETA: I see that we’re date twins! Is this your actual wedding date or is it a “temp” date?
Post # 9
He definitely needs to grow up and experience life first. A lot of people do. It’s a lot of responsilbility.
Whether you want to wait and see if he’s ready or not, is up to you. He might be ready for a year, or he might not. When I was with someone in his early 20’s, I ended up leaving him because he wasn’t ready and I knew he needed to get out and make bad decisions and I met an amazing guy 8 months later and we’re getting married in a month and a half.
People can love and care about each other, and it can still not work out because they aren’t in the same place. So much of finding your soulmate is timing.