Unhappy after baby

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

I have a 3 month old along with a toddler it’s SO HARD.  The first 10 weeks we fought constantly I feel like we have finally gotten over the hump.  It does get better but if I were you I would stop with one baby.  I had no idea two would be this hard, and if he isn’t supportive now it’ll probably just get 10x worse with a second one.

Post # 4
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

anon1776 :  Sure no use in sugar coating lol.  Do you have family you could have come over for a few hours so you guys could get out go to a movie or dinner?  We found a babysitter and I can’t stress for me how much that helped!  Hope it gets better!

Post # 5
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

anon1776 :  

My Darling Husband and I fought a lot PP and a lot was due to our different ways of communication. Sometimes he literally does not understand what I am saying, especially when asking for help:

Me-“I need more help with blank (baby, chores,etc)”

Husband hears- “you never help at all! You do Nothing!” And instantly gets defensive.

You need to have a calm discussion about where you both feel like you’re struggling and try not to blame each other or play things tit for tat. Tell your husband that you do feel traumatized by your birth experience and you need him to understand that. 

No matter how much you prepare for a child, the emotional rollercoaster can make you both lash out and be resentful in ways you might not have expected.

Post # 6
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My LO is 10 months old, and I could have written many of the same things you did at that stage. My husband had no patience with our daughter when she cried, rarely (if ever) did a night waking, and did not clean a bottle ever. I was absolutely exhausted. I can tell you that he is definitely different now. 

In retrospect, I didn’t ask well enough for help. That being said, it doesn’t seem that that is your issue. I would have a very simple, frank conversation with him about how you feel. The resentment, the exhaustion, the feeling that you could do this alone if you had to (that’s certainly how I felt), and that if he wants to be a part of this family it means supporting each other. Including washing bottles, refraining from unhelpful comments like “I’m sick of this shit,” and allowing the other person to address frustrations without unnecessary jabs.

 

You didn’t mention this, but also moving baby into her own room at night was a game changer for us.

 

Also, as said above, the first few months are so so SO hard but it gets better!

Post # 7
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Oh bee, I really feel for you. My husband and I both really struggled with not only the adjustment of having a newborn, but how it changes your marriage as well. It’s no longer about just you and him, but now also your LO! The stress is real, and it can really take a toll on your marriage. 

The biggest thing I had to do was think about how having a baby affected my Darling Husband emotionally. Men process things so much differently than women, and I feel like we have something innately in us to just do it all, from the start. I definitely was in your place, doing it all, and it finally did get to me and I snapped during an argument with Darling Husband. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is communicate. You need to tell him exactly how you feel, how this affects you, and what you want him to do.

 

Post # 8
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

Some of what you wrote sounds very normal, but some sounds beyond, like him flipping out when you didn’t set him up with clean bottles. (Wtf, who’s setting YOU up?) My head would have exploded in flame if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

With that being said, I think y’all just need to communicate better and try to give each other grace. In particular you need to tell him in a calm moment exactly what you’re feeling and specific things that you need from him, even if it’s infuriating that you need to spell such basic shit out. 

Having a baby has absolutely tested my marriage more than I thought it would, but pp are right that it gets better. And then it gets worse, and then we communicate and it’s better again lol. Rinse and repeat. 🤷‍♀️ 

Post # 9
Member
14965 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My husband and I have never been at each others last nerves than first few months after our son was born.  Between just being exhuasted and not knowing what to do to get him to sleep (first 6 months we got 1-3 hr stretches, and it would take upwards of an hour to get him back to sleep whenever he woke up), sheer fustration, me feeling like he wasn’t helping out (like you, all the logistics, feeding, cleaning, clothing fell on me) and needing (and getting) more “him” time… it was just a disaster.  When he cried, I felt bad and wanted to comfort, his reaction was to get mad and annoyed… and then I’d get annoyed at him.  And then there was disagreements on how to handle the crying, sleeping, sleep training, etc.  I think it’s just an overwhelming time, for both of you.  What probably wouldn’t have set you off before, may be now just cause you’re so exhasted and overwhelmed with everything you have to do for baby now.  And for us mothers, I do feel like it’s more instinctual and we just take care of it.  Meanwhile he needs to be told what to do.  I found that when I finally broke down at him and told him how I was feeling, he tried to help.. but he still didnt know what to do.  I have to be specific and just tell him what I need done in the moment.  An overall “I want you to help clean up after dinner” just didn’t do for me.  “Wash his bib.  Wash the tray.  Put the bottle back in the fridge… ” etc when I need/want him to do something worked better for me.

Post # 10
Member
4926 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I wanted to kill my husband the first 3-6 months pp. It was a horrible time for our marriage and the postpartum hormones made everything so much worse. Evwrything WILL get better as the baby ages– you’re in the thick of it right now! Ours is 11 months now, finally sleeping through (most) nights and I feel like life is getting *somewhat* closer to normal! It’ll get better & remember to take little breaks for yourself– baby will be ok to cry for a few minutes. 

Post # 11
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

anon1776 :  hey bee, I’m sorry I can’t be like “oh me too!!!” but I just can’t. Your husband is pissed about a baby waking at night as almost all babies do, and won’t pitch in and wash bottles of his own accord…. that’s really really not cool. 

I think you should probably sit him down and tell him you need more active work (like bottle washing) from him, and that his negative attitude is really affecting you negatively. 

Post # 12
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

anon1776 :  Look, having a newborn is hard enough on its own. He needs to man the fuck up and be a better partner to you. You can’t just choose which parts of parenting you want to do- it’s all extremely exhausting and if you aren’t helping each other out equally with every part of it (which includes waking up in the night, cleaning bottles, making dinner and cleaning the house) resentment is bound to happen. Both my husband and I agree on this. It isn’t an issue of “parenting is hard”, this is an issue of him not being a good dad or husband. 

Agree with KittyYogi : . You need to sit down with him and tell him how his shit attitude is affecting you. You almost fucking died giving birth to his child. He needs to drop the attitude and show some compassion and respect.

Post # 13
Member
6233 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Bee, I’m so sorry you’re navigating all of this challenge. I have to say, my own experience in becoming a mother made me SO committed to supporting other women as they transitioned to motherhood. I was fortunate to have a lot of people around supporting me but it was still much harder than I ever expected or was prepared for. A few things jumped out at me about your post:

1- if you were traumatized by your delivery, is it possible your husband was as well? We had a pretty intense birth and it made both me and my husband a bit stressed at the beginning, but we handled our stress differently (and not necessarily compatibly). Maybe some of that is happening here.

2- as a PP said- is there someone you trust that you can call? Someone who can come in and take care of the baby while the two of you get some naps, wash your asses, go out to dinner, or just sit down someplace and be two adults and not new parents? I noticed that things inproved a lot for us when I started taking more frequent naps (it felt like I was stealing time I could/should be using to take care of other things, but I really needed sleep more than anything else needed to be done by me.)

3- re your husband and his responses to the baby crying- my husband admitted to me (once our son was a bit older) that when he had been a tiny baby, his crying had felt like TORTURE. It had made him physically uncomfortable and if he couldn’t figure out what to do to address it, then he felt uncomfortable and increasingly frantic. And because the crying made me uncomfortable and anxious, I would usually jump to take the baby from him to get him to quiet down faster. So then he was uncomfortable, internally frantic AND feeling pressured to do it “right” before I stepped in and took over. None of that energy is right to soothe a fretful baby. That created a cycle where the baby quieted more quickly with me BUT it also convinced both of us that I was the one who needed to soothe him because I, the magical mommy, knew the proper way to do it. Fortunately, my in laws helped break me of that habit. If one of them was holding him and he started crying, they wouldn’t instantly hand him back; they would soothe him and once he was calm(er) THEN hand him back. That taught both of us (me and baby) that people OTHER than mommy can soothe the baby- if given a chance. Fortunately, our baby was an easy baby, also, but even easy babies get fussy- especially in an environment when their main caregivers are exhausted and stressed out themselves.

4- One of my friends once told me “Nothing will make you hate someone like having a baby with them.” I don’t know that that’s got to be true, but one of the most valuable lessons I learned was to be careful about believing your worst thoughts or feelings during the first three years of motherhood. It’s a really intense time for a lot of people and it can create some havoc with our mental and emotional states.

5- One of the best communication tools my husband and I implemented, was to start doing regular check ins. We sit together (when the kid is in the bed, safely asleep) and each of us gets 15 minutes to share (or spew) about how we are feeling. If we have something to say about the other person, we (TRY to) stay focused on I statements and to share our feelings, but no matter what is said, the other person agrees not to interrupt or respond before it’s their turn. If one or the other starts feeling flooded or needs a break before time has concluded, we pause until we can continue. I have to say, that approach transformed our relationship and we used it in a formal way until we were able to get back to communicating effectively with less formal parameters.

You sound way overextended, Bee, and you need to get some rest asap, wherever and however you can. And then, hopefully, you and your husband can call in some support and get back to communicating with one another. I wouldn’t count him out just yet, just because he mutters to himself about not being able to stand this or is being kind of an incompetent shit about the bottles and other things. Maybe, with some rest and unfraught communication, things can be addressed in ways that help both of you feel better and more connected.

Post # 14
Member
7821 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have 3 kids and the first 3-4 months pretty much suck. It’s always been simethjg I just had to push through, and by 5 months then it’s getting much better. But that aside, your husband is being kind of a brat. I mean, it’s his kid too. 

Post # 15
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

missmollybee :  exactly. Parenting a newborn is fucking hard period, but it is SOOOO much harder with a husband/dad who doesn’t pull his weight. She doesn’t have time to be mothering her husband too. Just do the shit you need to do without whining about it, dude. 

OP, the sleep deprivation and exhaustion and stress from a crying baby gets much better once you hit 3-4 months. But, the baby will always be testing your patience in one way or another, and there will always be too many chores to do and messes to clean up. Your husband really needs to step up and get an attitude adjustment. 

Our parenting journey (my son is 13 months old) has not been easy so far. He had failure to thrive, it took several months after birth to determine that he has a genetic condition, he has various health and developmental issues because of that, we see tons of specialists and therapists, we worry about his future. All that on top of the regular baby exhaustion! The only thing that made this all doable (besides how adorable our baby is ❤️) is that my husband is a kick-ass dad and partner, and he doesn’t sap extra energy or patience from me. That is what every mom deserves. Make sure he knows that you need that and that he’s not giving it to you. 

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