Post # 16
Ugh- I have three kids and I agree with what many of the PPs have said. Those early months are just shit. You’re tired, you’re getting used to a new routine, and a new person in your lives who frankly doesn’t speak your language and keeps wild hours. It can be a total disaster. In addition, it sounds like you might be struggling a little to move past a traumatic birth- I didn’t have traumatic births, but I struggled terribly with my first and second with PPD- and honestly, it took me until my second was almost 6 mos old to even realize what was going on.
I agree with the others- I think you need to have a calm (if you can) chat about expectations and needs. And, if you can, is there anyone who can watch your baby over night- sometimes it just takes one night of good sleep for you both to feel like you’re human again and then maybe have a discussion about what you need or where you feel like things aren’t working out? Lastly, if you’re feeling really off about your birth experience, I am a HUGE fan of the PPD drugs- honestly, they make life better- and it’s not a lifetime committment but that and some good old fashioned talk therapy with someone might help you feel a lot better in general.
That said, it gets better over time. As your baby grows, you will too- life will resume a different but more stable normal, and hopefully, you guys can come out on top. Good luck!
Post # 17
Was this baby planned? It sounds like he’s not really fully committed to being a father in the sense of he’s fine doing the easy stuff and when everything is great, but the moment things get hard and he doesn’t know what the baby wants or he’s crying in the night then he can’t be bothered/gives up leaving it to you. That’s not being a good and equal parent, babies aren’t easy all the time, he can’t have a melt down or just give up because the baby is being “hard work”. You need an equal partner and parent, he’s majorly slacking off and putting more of the burden on you.
You need to have a serious discussion with him and let him know this isn’t acceptable, I’m not making excuses for him, but he’s probably feeling overwhelmed (as are you I imagine, and most other new parents) if so he should have told you and you could have found ways to help with that together. I don’t think this is just something you have to work through or accept, he needs to start pulling his weight more asap.
Post # 18
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 3 months PP is still such a short time after and is so exhausting and overwhelming without all of the other stuff. After I had a baby my husband was great. We took shifts with the monitor (and still switch off every night taking it and getting her up), washed bottles, fed her at night, came home to relieve me and make dinner, etc. I’m saying this not to brag but to say is it 100% NOT unreasonable to expect a spouse to parent just as much as you do. Men should not be praised or not expected to pitch in. The attitude we have of men helping is ridiculous. My husband doesn’t help. He’s an equal parent and person in our home. That being said, I still hated my husband so many times during the first 6 months. Having a baby is SO hard. Even without your traumatic birth experience. I hemorrhaged too (not as badly as you) and I didn’t feel my normal energy level for months. Communication is so hard, I agree with all of the PPs advice about having a conversation. Perhaps involving a couples counselor would be helpful? Before I got pregnant my husband and I went through a rough patch and our couples counselor made a huge difference in our marriage and that helped so much once we had the baby. I promise it gets better. Seriously.
Post # 19
anon1776 : You are not alone in feeling this way. My husband loved cuddling with our babies but really had no clue what to do beyond changing diapers. I could handle it with our first but we had twins next and I thought it would end our marriage. We argued 24/7 I was exhausted, our one twin was colicky so I would be up all might with her and up all day with the kids. My husband would constantly say he was “exhausted because he worked all day.” As if to imply I didn’t with a toddler and infant twins. It definitely caused same resentment in our relationship. I returned to work when our twins turned a year and that was a turning point in our marriage. My husband had to step up a lot with daycare, being alone with the kids and he finally said to me a few months ago that it is so much work and he had no idea how much I had been dealing with. It does get better, some husband’s do struggle with the infant stage and find the toddler time easier to adapt to.
Post # 20
anon1776 : a date night (afternoon?) once a week should help your marriage. Get a babysitter for 2-3 hours and take the time to cuddle/have sex/talk. It’s easy to lose your bond when you’re constantly just trying to get things done for your house and baby.
Post # 21
They just don’t understand, our husbands, until they have to do it themselves how hard parenting is. It’s only now that my husband (at 17 months) is starting to have an inkling because he’s looking after our son for much longer periods as he needs less breastfeeding. The first four months (as other posters have mentioned) were really really really hard. We laugh in our mother’s group now at how completely sh*t it was and how goddamn useless our husbands were. It’s also a complete joke that seems to constantly be rolled out by the partner who goes back to work that being at work is ‘hard’. HA. Yeah I’ve been at work for the last 20 years buddy, you can’t fool me with that BS. As if sitting in meetings, being at your computer, having lunch ON YOUR OWN (what bliss!) is hard.
As others have said, it does get a bit easier and you’ll get into a groove with your bub after a while but the fact is your husband isn’t pulling his weight. He needs to know how unacceptable it is – and how ludicrous the idea of having another when he isn’t even parenting ONE child is. I cannot abide useless men and it sounds like your husband is one (well, at the moment – perhaps he will improve, you never know). If it gets to the point where you realise it would be easier to just parent one baby and no man, then seriously think about getting rid of the dead weight…but don’t do it until bub is over one and you’re in a better space mentally and psychologically. Best of luck! x