Post # 31
You can pretend you made a joke about her being a slut but as you posted here you only made that comment after she had pissed you off, therefore your intention was to hurt her/say something shitty and mean – not a joke that went over wrong.
At least own it if you’re going to say it.
Post # 32
- Wedding: January 2020 - Round Rock, TX
your “joke” was 110% slut-shaming. while I think her comments were uncalled for and your entire group of friends seems super unreliable and just not supportive, I do not EVER condone slut-shaming. even if it is a “joke.” I don’t care if she did or did not have sex with the entire football team, that does not need to be brought up, especially as an insult. that’s incredibly low, immature, and childish. women need to be supportive of each other. and at the very least, stay away from insults that men like to throw around as means to degrade us.
tbh I think you should cancel the trip and consider finding a new bridal party. but maybe take a look at how you handle these situations as well.
Post # 33
skibumlove8 : “well I might have been married before but at least I didn’t bang my entire high school football team”
I’ll guess you are the only person who thought this was funny. Skip Vegas. Spend some time pondering why you would think it would ever be okay to say something like this to or about a friend. You can’t really complain about how she was behaving when this is an example of your behavior. Mean Girls is right.
ETA: Why would anyone want to go out and get drunk and wild with you knowing this is how you might throw it back in their faces later?
Post # 34
I don’t get the joke. I’m assuming she didn’t actually have sex with every person on her high school football team, hence the “joke”- but I’m assuming it is a nod to her varied sex life. She was probably really hurt and embarrassed. Yes, she should have dropped her little digs as well, but I think you went further over the line.
If you can get your money back, I’d cancel the trip. Although it sounds like people will probably pull out either way.
Post # 35
Eh, I’m going to go against the grain and take the side of the OP here. She snapped and said something mean after being provoked all night.
Was it wrong? Sure. But I wouldn’t be in a hurry to make amends with someone who would needle me non-stop until I reached my breaking point. Why do you need friends like that?
Post # 36
BookishBee : Honestly, probably something like “that’s not funny, you need to stop” would have halted the jabs OP was receiving from her friend if she’s really a friend and realized she was hurting OP. I’m not sure that someone picking on me about finding another love strong enough to marry again — in a happily short period of time — would jibe my sails enough to snap at someone about their sex history in a way that the entire party within earshot was made uncomfortable over.
“Tee-hee you’re swept away and getting married AGAIN, Elizabeth Taylor, do we have to spend money on dresses again?” and “At least I wasn’t the high school sloot” aren’t really equivalent forms of banter, personally or societally. I’m not sure I would personally be hurt about being desired as a spouse again, so I’m not sure exactly why OP felt so attacked by the jokes.
There’s something that happened that shifted her friends group from being eager for Vegas to wanting to avoid OP when she has alcohol in her system.
Whatever the case is, there’s definitely an undercurrent in the dynamics of the friendship that just aren’t flowing well and have turned negative. On ALL sides. OP should steer clear, spend her money and vacation time with someone with better energy, and focus on the joy in her upcoming marriage.
Post # 37
Without knowing what the jokes where being said about OP, I can’t really say weither or not I feel that OP’s joke was out of line.
Maid/Matron of Honor: “OP is such a sex crazed maniac that she can’t last a second without the D, just look at her hopping from one marriage to another”
OP: “You’re one to talk, Maid/Matron of Honor, I just hop marriages, you hopped on the entire football team, talk about D crazed!”
I know that’s not verbatim but you get the idea.
While that exchange isn’t great, it is really hard to make a call on weither or not this was infact slut shaming without the context and tone along with how the group views sex. It is only slut shaming, if shaming was the intent and the actions in question would be considered shameful. You can tease someone about their sex life and it falls more under humble bragging instead of public humiliation depending on the setting.
I mean anyone who spends the entire night roasting you likely isn’t super happy with you in the first place and just looking for a reason to be anger opposed to they had some great relationships and the Bam! OP talks about who Maid/Matron of Honor banged in high school and now it is all hair pulling and catty back stabbing.
Post # 38
At this rate, you might not even have a bridal party at your wedding…
Post # 39
I don’t get the whole “slut shaming” thing. I was as promiscuous as they come and if someone wants to “shame” me for it that’s their perogative. I am not going to take it to heart and let myself feel guilty. But all that being said….my friend was/is NOT promiscuous. Not that it matters either way. She knows it, I know it and so does everyone else. Which is more of a reason why she should not have been offended. Where as she was making fun of me for something that is a fact of my life; I’m a divorcee. I dont get how I am in the wrong whatsoever.
Post # 40
skibumlove8 : I think any time you start a sentence with “at least I’m not…” it’s safe to say that you’re considering whatever follows that preamble is something to be embarassed about.
You wouldn’t say something like “at least I’m not the high school valedictorian” or “at least I don’t spend every weekend volunteering for charity”.
Regardless of your friend’s actual sexual history, you used having sex with a number of people in the same group as an insult. In that context, you’re saying that a woman who did do something like that not only should be ashamed but has forfeited her right to judge others for their life choices. The fact that your friend did not actually do this or anything similar is really not relevant.
All that said, if your friend actually hasn’t had a very wild sexual history, I agree she likely wouldn’t take it personally, but as a woman who is sick to death of all the judgment surrounding a woman who enjoys casual sex, I personally find your use of that scenario as a retort to be in bad taste, whether your friend had sex with the entire starting line up of the New England Patriots or is saving herself for marriage.
ETA: this is regarding the accusation of “slut shaming”, not whether or not your friend should have been personally offended by what you said. If it was a random thing you pulled out of the air that had no bearing on her actual life, I would be surprised if she got mad by it. If she was sniping at you prior to that anyways, I suspect there is another bee in her bonnet about you that has nothing to do with the remark you made.
It does not seem like you guys are truly friends.
Post # 41
Here is my opinion on “slut shaming”. Women have been getting “shamed” for things (namely casual sex) that men have been freely enjoying since the beginning of time. It is a double standard, it’s awful, it’s sad but it’s never going to change. So I say, f-k who you want and who cares what people say? You are all right-it was a joke on my part in bad taste. But it really grates my nerves when people get on this whole “omg don’t slut shame!” wagon because it’s a fruitless fight.
Post # 42
skibumlove8 : Well, it’s really not. I mean, it takes awhile for attitudes to change, but women saying, oh well, everyone else does it, so I might as well do it too, contributes to the problem.
Find a less loaded topic to hurl at your “friend” next time. If there is a next time.
Post # 43
Tatum : Fair enough…but I think it boils down to..do I HONESTLY (and not in just a joking sense) look at the word “slut” as an insult….and I don’t. I was a slut when I was single and if I WASN”T single, then you bet your ass I would still be one. It’s me, it’s who I am…some people don’t like it but I don’t concern myself with others views. Some people don’t like people who eat meat, some don’t like people who don’t recycle and some don’t like girls who sleep around. It is what it is, life is still there to be lived.
Post # 44
As I said, in the context of “at least I…” you’re saying being a “slut” is an undesirable trait that you don’t share.
Post # 45
Tatum : I can be aware that there is a stigma surrounding “sluts” and some might take it as an insult, even if I don’t. Let me give you an example: I have a friend who is very overweight; probably in the 250+ range. Whereas I am very thin. She KNOWS that there is a stigma involving heavy people and think’s like me-who cares, it will never change, I’m gonna do me. That being said, she does like to call me ‘fat’ because I am far from fat and it’s funny to her. She knows to others that would be considered an insult, because she also doesn’t live under a rock. She also knows I am not fat. Furthermore, her insult is usually: “at least I’m not fat like you!” which is obviously not true. In such the same way my joke/insult whatever to my friend was obviously not true because if one of us banged the whole football team it was definitely me and not her-something she and everyone who attended the party knows.