(Closed) Unhappy. I really need advice.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Set a date for him to be out by…maybe a month or two from now.  Then tell your Fiance that either his brother moves out (and stays out) or you do. 

Post # 4
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with above. But also, you say that you’re cleaning up after those TWO. Including your FI? He needs to learn that he is a grown up and you’re not his maid. He has to learn to pick up after himself also!

Post # 5
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

Im sorry you have to deal with that and Id probably react the same way.. frustrated. I think the only thing you can do is have a sit down with your fiance and then have another talk with both of them at the same time. Ask questions straight out like what is his game plan this time around and like the previous poster said.. ask how long he intends to stay. You need to stop being polite and start putting things out in the open.

Post # 6
Member
7777 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I agree. Tell your Fiance that it is your home too and you told him you didnt want roommates. Tell him a date and tell his brother to be out by then and that he cant come back.

At this point, your Fiance is just enabling him. He’s doing more harm than good.

Post # 7
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

if you haven’t already, i think the 3 of you should sit down and set some ground rules. like, if he’s going to live there he has to have a job and he has to pay rent. no job, no crash pad and give him a deadline to find one.

as juvenile as it sounds, maybe a chore chart would help with keeping the place clean? i have 2 brothers who still don’t understand the concept of cleaning up after themselves, so i definitely feel your pain on that. if i get upset because they don’t clean they’re like, “i didn’t know. you didn’t say anything.” but when i ask them to clean, i’m “nagging.” wtf?

Post # 9
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t want to get all “him or me” but I am really angry right now. I want my house back. This guy is 23 and more than old enough to have his stuff together.

You say him living with you is not an option, (which I totally agree with).  You also say after Future Brother-In-Law moved out the first time, you made it clear that you did not want more room-mates.  FI ignored that and allowed his brother to move back in anyway, and is now siding with his brother, (they can sit around in their own filth playing video games all day, but you’re “nagging” when you ask them to act like adults and clean up their own sh*t – and this if coming from a gamer married to a gamer!).  To me, it sounds like unless you issue an ultimatum (and MEAN IT!), the status quo isn’t going to change.  He’s got a live-in buddy to play games with, and a live-in girlfriend to play uh…”games” with, and a live-in maid to clean up after him…why would he want things to change?

Post # 10
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

@Miss Apricot:  He’s got a live-in buddy to play games with, and a live-in girlfriend to play uh…”games” with, and a live-in maid to clean up after him…why would he want things to change?

Sounds like he’s got it made! Why would he change anything? You are allowing him to do what he wants.

Post # 11
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

id straight give him the ultimatum, and stand firm in it. if you say youlre leaving, leave forreal. when you you get engaged, that is a promise to marry someone, and when you marry someone, you leave your own family to make a new family with your so. to put it bluntly, you should first.

Post # 13
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I completely understand where you’re coming from here. My Darling Husband and I have a room mate… who has lived with us almost our entire 3 year relationship. he moved in at first with the impression of “just needing a week or two to figure out what to do” after his mom kicked him out …. and he’s still here. we at first said out two months before the wedding… then Darling Husband got laid off, so we let him stay for the $ and changed it to “be gone when we get back from the honeymoon” … and it just didn’t happen. The real kicker is that he makes NO effort to find himself somewhere else to go .. I feel like a grown adult who has a girlfriend [who stays with him alllll weeekend long, another peeve, since I cannot STAND her] would want to make some effort to get his own place. Oh no, not him. He won’t buy toilet paper for himself, or the house. I am ALWAYS supplying it. I had to start hiding what Darling Husband and I buy, as well as all the napkins in our house [bc he would just use them if he didn’t have any, instead of going and buying himself some] His room is disgusting. I now have to shove a towel in front of his door to keep the smell from escaping into the rest of my house. at the beginning of July we told him he hast o be out by August 31st, no exceptions. I’m the one really putting my foot down because Darling Husband works with him, and doesn’t want to be mean and ruin their work relationship/friendship … which I get, and I don’t mind being the bad guy. But I’ve told Darling Husband that if I wake up on September 1st, and roommate is still there, I’m packing my things and dog and going to my parents house until he’s gone.

My threat is really the only thing that put Darling Husband into gear and made him realize how serious of a situation it was. You aren’t asking him to pick you over his brother. You’re simply asking him to be respectful of you and your space. If he can’t see that, then he’s probably not the right person to marry or live with. It’s one thing to take in his brother for a week or two … but anything past that is pushing things.

Post # 14
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@sherryberry:  You are most definitely not being a “selfish B!” It’s your home too!!

Post # 16
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 1993

@Metalkisses:  I agree. You have a lot on your plate being an engaged couple, let alone an engaged couple with a messy roommate.You need to set some boundaries. Yes, you probably feel like you shouldn’t have to be the one to instigate this, but sadly, you do. Set boundaries for chores, bills, and move-out date. Get it in writing. Tell brother that you love him, but you want to enjoy your engagement. 

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