Unhappy marriage, advice needed.

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9375 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You need marriage counseling. Having a baby is a big adjustment when everything goes smoothly. But you’ve had a baby in the NICU and dealt with PPD. Ideally, I would recommend individual counseling along with marriage counseling.

Post # 3
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

No, you’re not asking too much.  I would put it in writing (just tweak what you’ve written in this post) and hand it to him. Ask him to read it. Given that you’ve had PPD, I should think you are at risk for a relapse (not your fault) and that you need more support from him to avoid this.  And he says he’s tired? What does he think you are?

Post # 6
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

anotheranonbee29 :  

1. You should probably get rid of the parrot. If it’s not getting the attention it needs, and it’s causing issues with your bub, having him in your home doesn’t sound like a win for anyone. At least, someone should hold onto it for a while.

2. Please try to be kind to yourself. Guilt is a God-awful thing that grows until you stop feeding it. You should speak with a therapist who will help you find ways of dealing with these emotions. It sounds like you haven’t been able to forgive yourself, and that’s just awful for you and your bub.

3. Your husband taking one month parental leave to take care of a car is ridiculous and completely unacceptable. If anything, it’s an abuse of the system his work has in place to support families who genuinely need it. Not saying you don’t, but your partner obviously treated it as a vacation to tinker with his hobbies under the guise of “doing the right thing by you” and it is absolutely not ok.

4. It’s clear he has issues taking your concerns as actual concerns and not as just “complaints”. This indicates you guys really could do with a round or two with a marriage counsellor, as communication seems to be an issue here.

5. If you let these things slide….well someone with PPD in their past (and perhaps present) could be prime for a relapse in your position. I hope, for the sake of your son, that you have the strength to kick your husband into gear, and get yourself some help.

Best of luck Bee.

Post # 7
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m sorry, he doesn’t sound like a good father at all. He didn’t help you with the baby one bit – that is beyond useless. Also, you’ll know, if you’ve ever had a job (of any type) that looking after a baby for what is essentially 24/7 is far far far harder than just heading off to work every day, chatting with people, having adult conversations, eating lunch, actually spending time that isn’t looking after a baby relentlessly. What is the point of him if you’re doing all the work at home AND with the baby? You could do that shit on your own and be far happier for it. 

Post # 9
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You both became parents and not in an easy way! Complications, worry about your son living and quality of life. You recovering from surgery. These are traumatic things and massively stressful! Everyone reacts differently to stress. The car thing is annoying but it could have been his outlet and how he was dealing with the stress and admittedly useful for you to have a car. My dad never let my mom stay at home without one for fear of something happened to us she would have no way to take us to the dr or hospital. All relationships have to adjust after a new little one is born. 

It hasn’t been that long, your baby is only four months old. You two need to readjust, reconnect and find your normal. I wouldn’t be confrontational about it and tell him all the problems you have with him and how badly he has made you feel. That may result in him telling you all the problems he has with you because he feels attacked. You need to reconnect, tell him you want a romantic night as possible together. Pop some popcorn, watch a movie and cuddle on the couch with some tea or wine. Enjoy each other. Tell him all the things you love about him. Add little notes to his lunch. Leaveca sticky not on the bathroom mirror. Randomly text him how much you appreciate him working so hard for the two of you. When you show love, he is more apt to be affectionate and show love back where if you pull away and be distant or tell him all his faults he is more likely to act in kind and the distance will grow. 

You want him to be more loving. Be more loving. It’s a trick that always works for me. 

Fh asks me if I need a glass of water 90 percent of the time he walk to the kitchen so what do I do now, ask him if he needs a glass of water. 

He may also be overwhelmed and not know what you need him to do. Figure out what you would like him to do and ask. Then when he does them visibly appreciate it. 

Post # 10
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

elodie2019 :  I love that “you want him to be more loving, be more loving”. It’s that old saying “you catch more flies with honey…”. I find that with Fiance – if I pick and nag and am constantly grumpy, then that’s what I get back. If I chill out, the house chills out. And visa versa.

Post # 12
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Isnt it magical! It really is all about acknowledgment and feeling seen and appreciated. The more compliments, love and appreciation I give him the more I receive. I thank him for taking the trash out now and since I started he hasn’t complained about always being the one doing it. He says, “Babe the kitchen looks great,” I feel like a million bucks and I’m more likely to do the dishes again because I know he notices and appreciates it. He thanks me every time I make dinner and tells me how good it is.

The water thing he totally changed me. The other day we were watching Tv and asked, hey babe, can you get me some water. Before him I would have been like, ger your own water. But he legit offers and gets me water all the time so of course I’d be happy to get off the couch and grab it. You don’t even have to let him in on the thanking each other for stuff just start doing it and see what happens!     sbl99 :  

Post # 13
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee

1. I do not think you should “get rid” of the parrot (what a disgusting way to say that, as though you were “getting rid” of the garbage); our animal friends are not dispensable objects here for our edification only. Moreover, your love for and bond with your parrot may indeed be one of the most positive things in your life right now, as pets often are. It’s a shame that he wakes up your baby, but perhaps there’s a way (with some amount of effort) to soundproof Baby’s room so that parrot squawks aren’t so bothersome?

2. I agree that counseling is imperative here. It sounds like you’re both feeling resentment for one another, and that has to be talked out if you’re to come out of this as a team. 

3. Do you feel like your husband has bonded with your son? If he’s not spending any time with Baby, then I can’t imagine he’s bonded. That’s something that should be discussed immediately. 

4. It struck me when you said that you wanted your marriage to work out “FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SON.” While laudable and selfless, this kind of perspective (if entirely true and not merely an off-the-cuff remark) generally leads to despair. If you don’t want your marriage to work for the sake of YOU, your LOVE for your husband, and your husband himself, then it’s probably not going to work–no matter how much you love your child. And your child will take that in and, eventually, know that his parents don’t feel love for one another. (P.S. Children/human beings can be very happy and loved and stable in one-parent households, so “staying together for the kids” isn’t always the best way.) So you have to figure out what it is you’re really looking for–to me, it sounds like you still have plenty of love for your husband; after all, you said that you were devastated at not being able to trust your “best friend” with your feelings. I think it’s beautiful and important that your husband is your best friend, and I think–and hope–you can still salvage that friendship. As important as your son is, your deep friendship with your husband exists outside of and beyond Baby, and so I think talking to your best friend as FRIENDS, partners, and lovers is necessary to find your footing again as a whole family. 

Post # 14
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Men and women do not think alike at all. The car thing, I totally get where he is coming from, you are going to need a car. Dr.s, grocery shopping and most importantly an emergency. He needed to get it fixed asap. It may have taken him a week or it could have taken him the whole month who knows. But he wanted you to have a car. It is very hard after you have a baby your hormones are so out of whack. We don’t feel like ourselves. We are depressed ect. You will get the hang of being a stay at home mom. It will come naturally to you. You will have a routine and it will be easy peasy. In your update you said that he is more hands on. That is awesome. See how things change. Give it time. Your have a new little baby in your life. It’s not the two of you anymore. Your lives are now three. It will get much easier as the baby gets older to. It will be o.k bee.

Post # 15
Member
10202 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

anotheranonbee29 :  

Nowhere in your post did you mention seeking treatment for your depression, Bee.

Things don’t work right until the depression is managed properly.  Put your own oxygen mask on first.

 

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