Post # 1
I was hoping to get some advice regarding my marriage. This is long so thank you for taking the time to read.
My husband and I have been married now for 4 years. We just had our son about 4 months ago. The birth was very difficult. Our son had to be resucitated several times and required an immediate blood transfusion. We were sent to a special hospital to do treatments as he had several serious complications. I never got to see my son when he was born as he was immediately wisked away. During this time I had pretty bad Post partum depression and felt very guilty about what happened with my birth and felt I was somehow at fault despite doctors explaining I had no way of avoiding my complication. Our son eventually was released from the NICU with a good outlook. I am ashamed to say that once I got home I was not easily able to bond with him. I took care of him and made sure he was okay, but I felt nothing for him. I confided in my husband and he in turn said that it was normal etc. But later on he did tell me that he judged me for having those feelings. I feel this is where our problems began. I suddenly felt I could not longer trust my best friend with my feelings and I told him as such. He didn’t say much and I just thought maybe I was overreacting to his response.
Eventually I felt better and was able to bond with my baby. Since he was I’m the NICU for a while he was bottle-fed only for monitoring purposed so I was not able to breast feed. I basically spent all my time pumping or feeding my son. Needless to say my husband and I had no time for each other. I was “lucky” that my husband took one month of paternity leave. I was excited, however he spent the entire time fixing an old car and would basically only watch the baby while I was taking a shower. I kept telling him to spend some time with us and to worry about the car later. He wanted this fixed as I would need a vehicle when I eventually return to work. I began to resent him for this. I was exhausted and my husband was not helping me out. I voiced these concerns to him and he again said nothing. Adding to.my frustration was the fact that I was also taking care of our pet parrot who is very loud and would constantly wake the baby. As sad and petty as it may sound I would get sad that he would spend hours with the bird and would not even be capable of spending some time with me. If he ever did he was on his phone and would not really pay attention.
Eventually my husband went back to work. He is now working 60 hour work weeks so I do all the chores and night feeds so he can get the rest he needs. I feel so empty. I really want our marriage to work for the sake of our son. But I don’t know what to do anymore as I feel like he simply will not listen to me. I have told him again that I feel like we are not even married. That we are just roommates who have a child together. He tells me he is just tired and that’s all. Bees, please tell me if I am just nagging too much? I don’t think I am asking for much. I do appreciate how hard he works and I tell him all the time. All I want is just some of his time. He’s a great father to our son and he would do anything for us. I just can’t seem to get him to understand how much this hurts me.
If you’ve read this far thank you.
Post # 2
You need marriage counseling. Having a baby is a big adjustment when everything goes smoothly. But you’ve had a baby in the NICU and dealt with PPD. Ideally, I would recommend individual counseling along with marriage counseling.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
No, you’re not asking too much. I would put it in writing (just tweak what you’ve written in this post) and hand it to him. Ask him to read it. Given that you’ve had PPD, I should think you are at risk for a relapse (not your fault) and that you need more support from him to avoid this. And he says he’s tired? What does he think you are?
Post # 4
Thank you. I am going to bring this up to him and see if what he thinks. Hopefully he will be open to this. I just assumed that if he wouldn’t speak to me that he would probably not be receptive to speaking to a counselor. But perhaps it may be easier for him to speak to a third party.
Post # 5
This is a good suggestion. You have actually brought up something I’ve been afraid of. When these incidents occur I can’t help but doubt myself and wonder if it’s the ppd that’s making me feel this way. I’m not sure but when he blows me off I really feel like maybe I’m crazy and I’m just overreacting due to a relapse or something.
I think my husband thinks that because the baby is a bit older and I am now mostly healed from my c section that it’s easy for me to handle the household and the baby.
Post # 6
1. You should probably get rid of the parrot. If it’s not getting the attention it needs, and it’s causing issues with your bub, having him in your home doesn’t sound like a win for anyone. At least, someone should hold onto it for a while.
2. Please try to be kind to yourself. Guilt is a God-awful thing that grows until you stop feeding it. You should speak with a therapist who will help you find ways of dealing with these emotions. It sounds like you haven’t been able to forgive yourself, and that’s just awful for you and your bub.
3. Your husband taking one month parental leave to take care of a car is ridiculous and completely unacceptable. If anything, it’s an abuse of the system his work has in place to support families who genuinely need it. Not saying you don’t, but your partner obviously treated it as a vacation to tinker with his hobbies under the guise of “doing the right thing by you” and it is absolutely not ok.
4. It’s clear he has issues taking your concerns as actual concerns and not as just “complaints”. This indicates you guys really could do with a round or two with a marriage counsellor, as communication seems to be an issue here.
5. If you let these things slide….well someone with PPD in their past (and perhaps present) could be prime for a relapse in your position. I hope, for the sake of your son, that you have the strength to kick your husband into gear, and get yourself some help.
Best of luck Bee.
Post # 7
I’m sorry, he doesn’t sound like a good father at all. He didn’t help you with the baby one bit – that is beyond useless. Also, you’ll know, if you’ve ever had a job (of any type) that looking after a baby for what is essentially 24/7 is far far far harder than just heading off to work every day, chatting with people, having adult conversations, eating lunch, actually spending time that isn’t looking after a baby relentlessly. What is the point of him if you’re doing all the work at home AND with the baby? You could do that shit on your own and be far happier for it.
Post # 8
Thank you for your response.
I was considering rehoming our bird but I felt very guilty about this. He was bonded with my husband so he didn’t really like it when I tried to hold him or play with him. So I did do some research on how to care and train him and I now love our bird and he in turn is a lot more calm since he is used to me now. His name is Mochi. He now has free reign of the house and I do spend at least 4 hours a day playing with him exclusively while my son naps.He’s a conure so he is quite social. I have to show him off because I love him so much. He really is great company!
I actually did tell my husband he may as well go back to work since he was basically doing nothing to help me out. I was hoping it would make him snap out of it but it didn’t change too much. Though he did start helping load and unload the laundry which was hard for me since my scar from the c section was still hurting a lot during that time.
As far as the guilt goes I definitely do need to see a counselor regardless of my husband wanting do marriage counseling. It’s very hard to try and forgive myself. It’s awful now looking back and knowing that your baby was basically a miracle and then when you got him home you felt nothing. Plus feeling responsible for giving him such a hard start in life. It’s something I definitely need to work on. I think knowing my husband looks down on me for having felt that way makes it worse in a way.
I am definitely going to insist we go to marriage counseling for the sake of our son. Thanks for all your sound advice. I really do appreciate it.
Post # 9
You both became parents and not in an easy way! Complications, worry about your son living and quality of life. You recovering from surgery. These are traumatic things and massively stressful! Everyone reacts differently to stress. The car thing is annoying but it could have been his outlet and how he was dealing with the stress and admittedly useful for you to have a car. My dad never let my mom stay at home without one for fear of something happened to us she would have no way to take us to the dr or hospital. All relationships have to adjust after a new little one is born.
It hasn’t been that long, your baby is only four months old. You two need to readjust, reconnect and find your normal. I wouldn’t be confrontational about it and tell him all the problems you have with him and how badly he has made you feel. That may result in him telling you all the problems he has with you because he feels attacked. You need to reconnect, tell him you want a romantic night as possible together. Pop some popcorn, watch a movie and cuddle on the couch with some tea or wine. Enjoy each other. Tell him all the things you love about him. Add little notes to his lunch. Leaveca sticky not on the bathroom mirror. Randomly text him how much you appreciate him working so hard for the two of you. When you show love, he is more apt to be affectionate and show love back where if you pull away and be distant or tell him all his faults he is more likely to act in kind and the distance will grow.
You want him to be more loving. Be more loving. It’s a trick that always works for me.
Fh asks me if I need a glass of water 90 percent of the time he walk to the kitchen so what do I do now, ask him if he needs a glass of water.
He may also be overwhelmed and not know what you need him to do. Figure out what you would like him to do and ask. Then when he does them visibly appreciate it.
Post # 10
elodie2019 : I love that “you want him to be more loving, be more loving”. It’s that old saying “you catch more flies with honey…”. I find that with Fiance – if I pick and nag and am constantly grumpy, then that’s what I get back. If I chill out, the house chills out. And visa versa.
Post # 11
He is more hands on now. At first he was not very useful with the baby. Not going to lie, even if I asked him he would be too scared or nervous to watch the baby alone. I was working full time prior to having our son at a job I loved. I guess the main thing I want is for our son to have a happy family. I know I could do it on my own if I needed to. I just don’t want to completely give up since he was not always like this.
Post # 12
Isnt it magical! It really is all about acknowledgment and feeling seen and appreciated. The more compliments, love and appreciation I give him the more I receive. I thank him for taking the trash out now and since I started he hasn’t complained about always being the one doing it. He says, “Babe the kitchen looks great,” I feel like a million bucks and I’m more likely to do the dishes again because I know he notices and appreciates it. He thanks me every time I make dinner and tells me how good it is.
The water thing he totally changed me. The other day we were watching Tv and asked, hey babe, can you get me some water. Before him I would have been like, ger your own water. But he legit offers and gets me water all the time so of course I’d be happy to get off the couch and grab it. You don’t even have to let him in on the thanking each other for stuff just start doing it and see what happens! sbl99 :
Post # 13
1. I do not think you should “get rid” of the parrot (what a disgusting way to say that, as though you were “getting rid” of the garbage); our animal friends are not dispensable objects here for our edification only. Moreover, your love for and bond with your parrot may indeed be one of the most positive things in your life right now, as pets often are. It’s a shame that he wakes up your baby, but perhaps there’s a way (with some amount of effort) to soundproof Baby’s room so that parrot squawks aren’t so bothersome?
2. I agree that counseling is imperative here. It sounds like you’re both feeling resentment for one another, and that has to be talked out if you’re to come out of this as a team.
3. Do you feel like your husband has bonded with your son? If he’s not spending any time with Baby, then I can’t imagine he’s bonded. That’s something that should be discussed immediately.
4. It struck me when you said that you wanted your marriage to work out “FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SON.” While laudable and selfless, this kind of perspective (if entirely true and not merely an off-the-cuff remark) generally leads to despair. If you don’t want your marriage to work for the sake of YOU, your LOVE for your husband, and your husband himself, then it’s probably not going to work–no matter how much you love your child. And your child will take that in and, eventually, know that his parents don’t feel love for one another. (P.S. Children/human beings can be very happy and loved and stable in one-parent households, so “staying together for the kids” isn’t always the best way.) So you have to figure out what it is you’re really looking for–to me, it sounds like you still have plenty of love for your husband; after all, you said that you were devastated at not being able to trust your “best friend” with your feelings. I think it’s beautiful and important that your husband is your best friend, and I think–and hope–you can still salvage that friendship. As important as your son is, your deep friendship with your husband exists outside of and beyond Baby, and so I think talking to your best friend as FRIENDS, partners, and lovers is necessary to find your footing again as a whole family.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Men and women do not think alike at all. The car thing, I totally get where he is coming from, you are going to need a car. Dr.s, grocery shopping and most importantly an emergency. He needed to get it fixed asap. It may have taken him a week or it could have taken him the whole month who knows. But he wanted you to have a car. It is very hard after you have a baby your hormones are so out of whack. We don’t feel like ourselves. We are depressed ect. You will get the hang of being a stay at home mom. It will come naturally to you. You will have a routine and it will be easy peasy. In your update you said that he is more hands on. That is awesome. See how things change. Give it time. Your have a new little baby in your life. It’s not the two of you anymore. Your lives are now three. It will get much easier as the baby gets older to. It will be o.k bee.
Post # 15
Nowhere in your post did you mention seeking treatment for your depression, Bee.
Things don’t work right until the depression is managed properly. Put your own oxygen mask on first.