Post # 1
Aside from all the drama that most weddings bring, I was happy. Genuinely happy and in love. After dating for 4 years, (he’s 28, I’m 27), we got married and went on our honeymoon and had the most amazing time. I was elated to be with him and the entire honeymoon week was romantic and just perfect. When the honeymoon was over, we moved into our new home (we had not lived with each other before our wedding). A week later, everything went downhill. We got into some arguments while adjusting and that seemed normal to all of my friends and family. But my actual feelings started to decline dramatically. It felt like it happened overnight. I don’t look at him the same and I don’t get excited or happy anymore- AT ALL. I keep waiting for this bad feeling to pass but it just won’t. I think about the bad situations that happened even before the wedding and they disgust me now. I can’t help but to think that I wish certain things didn’t happen and I cannot get past them for the life of me. I thought I was over everything that happened (with his family and him choosing his family’s side over me a couple of times) and even after he’s apologized and admitted his wrong-doing, I NOW can’t stop thinking about them.
Other things about him are driving me nuts. I hate that he’s so specific about everything and, well, every little thing that he does bothers me now from his laugh to his chewing to the way his voice sounds like a whiny little girl when he wants something… I feel he doesn’t act like a man. I just don’t even want to go home. I feel terrible for feeling these things, by the way. He’s mature and has a great career. He’s respectful towards me and does thoughtful things for me all time so I “shouldn’t” be feeling this way, right? Don’t get me wrong, I desperately want my feelings for him to come back. I want to be happy like I was before. But I can’t help it. My feelings are gone and I don’t feel like I’m in love anymore. How could this happen? We’ve been married 4 months and for the past 3.5 months, I’ve been extremely unhappy. I told him a little bit of how I’ve been feeling the other day and told him that I need some time and that it might be the adjustment process but I really don’t believe that’s what it is. I mean, I totally fell out of love and at times **this is hard to admit** I find myself wanting to start all over with someone else. He’s being very nice and respecting my “adjustment” period but the annoyances are still there. I’m totally un-attracted to him and the only reasons why I’m still with him are because 1-we JUST got married and divorce is almost unheard of in my community, 2-we JUST got married so how could I even consider divorce!!??, 3- I feel totally awful for making him feel this way as he is totally in love with me and 4-I’m hoping that this will pass and I’ll get my love feelings back. I pray all the time but I can’t help it. I am not in love with him anymore. I never, ever thought this would happen to us. Anyone elseo go though this?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Lola518: Moving in together is ROUGH! My DH (then FI) and I had a rough time moving into our house, it was so stressful, and we had lived together before!
Are you maybe a little bit depressed? Or maybe you need something else to focus on now that the wedding is over? I don’t think that this is something you should end your marriage over, you just need to work through some kinks that I do agree are totally normal.
Post # 4
@Lola518: I’m not usually one to jump on the “go get counseling” bandwagon, but in your case that is exactly where I would start. Let’s be honest here… if you start over with someone new, the novelty would wear off of that relationship as well and you’d end up right back in this place. You need to figure out WHY your feelings have changed so drastically and in such a short period of time.
Post # 5
dose of tough love coming…
this is a real question. why did you get married?
marriage is about learning how to live with each other, learning about your husband – not your boyfriend, but your husband. i think you messed up with talking to everyone else. your marriage is between you and your husband. stop talking to other people. talk to your husband. learn your husband and learn how to accept him for who he is. it‘s also about letting go. sounds like you‘re holding on to a lot and it has built a wall fo resentment.
happiness doesn‘t come with just getting married. when you learn how to live with each other, happiness comes by enjoying one another. i can‘t help you with falling in love with him again. that‘s a personal issue. you can only work at it. that‘s what it takes.
Post # 6
ehen I moved in with my SO, a friend of mine warned me that there’s a period of MONTHS where you might get unhappy before things go back to normal.
it sounds like you need to have a weekend/week off to not think about or worry about things in the relationship and recharge a bit. I wouldn’t give up just quite yet!
Are you two still dating? As in, scheduling time to spend quality time together and go out on dates to make sure you remember why you had those feelings in the first place?
Post # 7
@Lola518: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think there is a good chance this will pass but if a few months go by and you still feel this way – get into some counceling for yourself and then maybe couples after that.
“I feel like he doesn’t act like a man.”
This very well may be and maybe some bees might be miffed over what I’m about to say but, in my experience, it is VERY important that you never say that to him. Making a man feel like less of a man is ALWAYS a bad idea. No – you’re not responsible for him being a manly man or how he feels about himself but men really thrive on respect in a marriage (sure, women do too) but men, more often than not, really need to feel like a “man” in their relationships.
I don’t want this turning into a sexism debate. I just don’t want the OP to ever make the mistake of blurting that. Not like the marriage will end over it but it can really hurt a man when women make reference to them not acting the way they “should” by ways of their gender.
Post # 8
@Lola518: They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I imagine only more so if you’re living together for the first time. This is a period of adjustment for both of you, and compromise and open communication is going to be key in finding a way to mesh and be happy together in the same home. Don’t give up! Every couple goes through bumpy periods and you two just need to learn how to coexist in a way that makes you happy.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Lola518: You just got married and moved in with your husband. People meant it when they say that the first year is the hardest, especially when you fo through two major changes in life at the same time (marriage and moving in together.) The fairytale and the reality of marriage are crashing headlong and you are left finding out that marriage is regular life and not some magical fairytale where life is made perfect by saying a few vows and going on a honeymoon. Since you never lived with your husband day-to-day you had no idea what to expect from daily married life, which is usually very different from dating life.
It also seems to me that some major event occurred before the wedding and you never truly got over and forgave him for whatever happened. For this reason alone I would highly recommend you see a counselor or therapist. If you cannot truly forgive him and move on from whatever happened, you will never be happy in this marriage.
Post # 10
Moving in is a huge challenge for couples. Even the couples who seem to handle it best will say there were issues they had to work out. When you’re living in close quarters with someone for the first time, you are going to learn good things about their habits, and you’re going to learn bad things about them. My FI and I definitely had this experience when we moved in together. We get along great as roommates for the most part, but some of our habits didn’t mix well. We were open with each other and communicated our problems, and over time we worked it out. Marriage is work. It is not going to be a perfect honeymoon all the time. The key is to be open with your husband and discuss these issues with him so you guys can work together to find a solution.
Post # 11
@Lola518: Moving in with someone is very hard. It’s a lot to take in such a short time. Getting married, leaving your old life behind, moving in with someone who you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life. It is daunting.
I had some depression when FI and I first moved in together ~4 years ago. I found that if I TRIED to make myself happy, instead of focusing on what irritated me about him, I was much better.
Therapy might work great for you. You guys need to find middle ground living together. What is acceptable for him and you. Chores, shopping, what channels you watch on TV. Being married to someone isn’t about a whirlwind romance. It’s about being equal partners who appreciate each other. Rarely do I get roses and a candle lit dinner. But we are at a place where we work together as a team for all the things in our lifes, big and small. I think if you focus on your happiness and work on your relationship, things could get much better.
Good luck to you. I hope you find happiness, one way or another
Post # 12
@FleeSircus: I agree. Sometimes you just have to bottle things up and not express every negative thought that passes through your mind.
Post # 13
Moving in together is really hard… I admit to going through a bit of depression when we first did, the bickering and such was really difficult and you are left wondering if this is how it’s going to be now?
But, eventually things get better. You work out the kinks and learn to communicate better. Just hang in there.
Post # 14
I agree with the other posters – give it more time. 4 months is not that long, especially if you’ve never lived with someone before.
Post # 15
@mrs_pudding_pop: +1. I agree. This sounds like a fairly normal period of adjustment. The excitement and fun of the wedding and honeymoon are over and reality sets in.
Give yourself some time, OP, and maybe consider counseling. I wouldn’t give up on a marriage too soon; you may have regrets if you don’t try to fix this.
Post # 16
@Lola518: Our first year living together was HARD!!! He was more falling out of love with me more so than me. It was a lot of adjustment. I was moving into HIS house. We got engaged 3 months after I moved in, everything was PERFECT. By January we had our first BIG BIG fall out. I took off my engagement ring. A week later we mostly made up but I was walking on egg shells. I was trying to be so so perfect and it sucked. A few months later ANOTHER big fight. Finally made up but again I was walking on egg shells. We were engaged for 2 years because of all this fighting but literally once the 1 year mark hit we were good to go. We really found out about eachother and knew eachother. We learned compromise. Mostly him. It was his house so he had to compromise the most. He had been living by himself for 2 years at the time I moved in. I had always had a roommate.
I ALWAYS recommend my friends to live together before getting married for at least a year to see if you really are compatible. I hope yall are and its just a phase. Have you told him exactly what bothers you? Our communication really had to be worked on, well mainly his. He was very introverted with his feeling and one extra thing would send him over the edge and he would just blow up. I told him he needs to stop. He did. It took 6 months but he did.
Good luck to you. Keep us updated.