(Closed) UNHAPPY- only 4 months married

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 19
Member
3954 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@DaneLady:  I agree, I would get yourself into counseling ASAP. Try to remove any other stressors from your life and take some time for yourself (go on a walk, go to yoga, etc). If/when you feel like you can stand to be around him, take a weekend trip somewhere with no TV/wifi and just be together. Sometimes I get really irritated with my husband for silly things because I’m just stressed out. If we get to go somewhere and just be together, I feel SO much better. Even just a night out without your cell phones could really help. Nip this in the bud and save your marriage!!

Post # 20
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Lola518:  What do you mean by always around?  Does he work from home?  Do you never get any alone time?  What are yalls hobbies outside of eachother? 

Post # 22
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@Lola518:  When I get angry or am having a hard time with our situation – or we’re just having a bad week, I pull myself out of it by writing down things I love about my SO and what I’m grateful for. It’s SOOOOO easy to get sucked into the hate train and think about everything he doesn’t do, and everything that is annoying

You’re each your own people, and living together allows you to be your most vulnerable. Love each other for who you are and focus on what you love about each other. 

My SO is the second live-in relationship I’ve had. First time around things were awful and never got better. We had good times, but it just wasn’t a great living environment. 

With my SO it’s always been good, but we definitely have bad weeks. 

You need to date. You need to find excitement. You need to still be your own people. 

I also agree with PP’s, maybe get some counselling. I find it hard to believe that you can just fall out of love so quickly after having such a fantastic relationship. You need to remind yourself why you fell in love, what you love about him. 

Write these things down everyday – even if it’s hard and you have to stretch a bit, by saying silly things like – I love he always does the dishes. Those things count too!

Post # 24
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Welcome to the joys of living with someone. We went through this when we first moved intogether. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest for this exact reason. We went through it before marriage. But for a good 6 months it was fight after fight after fight. Every little thing we did pissed each other off. But you just slowly learn how each other operates and what NOT to do and how to communicate more effectively…. that kind of thing. Get out and enjoy each others company again and remember why you love each other. The annoying habits just sort of become reality and you just learn to live with it. It actually becomes a joke.

Hang in there – things will get better. Don’t give up now.

Post # 26
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think it will pass… go to counseling for the time being. 

I remember lots of times when my Fiance gets on my nervous, everything about him bothered me, but deep down i know I loved him, and I was just having a bad day, being moody, PMSing or something lol

It’s also a huge adjustment living together when you haven’t before.  It’s like in college, freshmen year when you move in and meet your roomate for the first time… and having to adjust to it… it’s normal.  That’s why ppl always say to never room with a best friend, bc you will not be friends after…

But your situation is not as simple, it’s your HUSBAND.  you really need to work through your feelings, let him know what he needs to do to help you get pass this… if he’s chewing annoys you, tell him what he can do to help that. I mean in a nice way of course.

Just remember, marriage takes work, and also think about what HE may be thinking of this whole adjustment process as well… he may be secretly annoyed with you also!

Good luck!

Post # 28
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I felt similarly. I think on top of adjusting to living together, its the finality of marriage setting in. Everything bothers you because you are realizing that you have to deal with these things FOREVER! Little things seem like a much bigger problem when you think about them in that respect.  I realized I was doing this, and tried understand that it is just adjusting to a huge life change.

Post # 29
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

@TaurianDoll:  +1000

View original reply
@Lola518:  I would definitely recommend counseling. I’m so, so sorry that you’re having to go through this. But remember that love is not an emotion, it is a decision. This time will be difficult. But if you can push through, remember why you married your husband, and endure whatever comes your way, it will totally be worth it. Many good thoughts and prayers for you ๐Ÿ™‚ You can do it!!

Post # 30
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I can’ relate in the “fell out of love” feeling, but I rushed into living with my DH after we had only been dating for weeks.  Long story short, I was in a bad living situation that I had to get out of, but my new place wouldn’t be ready for 10 days. After 10 days I brought up bringing my stuff to my new place and DH put it off for a few days. We brought a few things over but left the bulk of my stuff (clothes, everyday stuff) etc. And DH kept putting off helping me for weeks.  I finally brought it up saying we needed to move my stuff out and he asked if I wanted to stay. I really did, and living a few streets away seemed silly at that point.

All of that is to say that the first year of us dating was HARD. We did move in too fast (anyone would tell you that, you don’t move in after dating for literally a week and a half), I was fresh off of a breakup and our relationship had rebound written all over it. I freaked out a LOT, I wondered what the heck I was doing, I questioned if I actually liked DH or if I was with him because it was convenient, crazy thoughts.  But I knew I cared about him, and I stuck it out.  I still payed rent at my other place (I had roommates so people were living there) as a backup. But no matter how hard it got (and there were REALLY bad days) I stayed.  Eventually my heart got over my breakup with my ex, my DH and I got used to living together and then one day I took inventory of my life and realized things were great.

I love my DH more than ever.  I feel we have gotten through the what will probably be one of the hardest parts in our relationship and we get better everyday. He still bugs the crap out of me some days, but he also makes me laugh harder than anyone I’ve met, he loves me so much I can’t even believe it.  He would bend over backwards to make me happy.

All of that is to say, if you are just going through the living together phase now, it’s perfectly normal to feel the way your feeling.  It’s a huge adjustment and no matter how long you’ve been dating, living together is just different. It’s a whole other ball game now and you need to figure out how to make it work. You’re probably also feeling a little bit of the post wedding blues, once all the planning is done, the party is over and the dust settles everything feels kind of BLAH. That’s also normal. I highly suggest talking to someone, find out how to work through your feelings and talking with your DH honestly is a great way to wade through your feelings. Because if little things he’s doing are bothering you, there are bound to be things that you do that bother him, it’s a two way street.  Be kind to eachother, and respect the other person as they are, but there is compromise in most things. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 31
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Lola518:  If you start focusing on the negative the little things can really snowball and all the sudden they are nothing but annoying to you! ie… the way he eats, innocent stuff etc 

When I am headed down the road of taking him for granted (which it sounds like youre doing) I make a list of all the things I am grateful for about him, and all the wonderful qualities he has which makes him an ideal mate. People arent perfect. We all have things others could pick at. You need to go back to gratitude and graciousness, and stop dwelling in negative woe is me. A shift in your attitude plus a date night or two should get you back on track.

Maybe also take a minute to reflect on what it was like being single (not idealized, but in actuality). The pains of dating, the lonliness and disappointment. 

Also you say you need space? Then get moving on your own life. Go to the gym, meet up with friends etc. Start a new hobby. If you look to him to make your happiness he will fail everytime, because only you can do that.

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