(Closed) UNHAPPY- only 4 months married

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
3615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t know if anyone said this because I just read your OP and decided to respond right away…but…

To me, it sounds like you had issues way before the marriage and moving in, and you thought you could get over them for the sake of the wedding and all the money you already spent (assuming) etc etc and you thought everything would fix itself.

That is not how a marriage works.  I don’t think this has anything to do with you moving in together now after marriage…it has to do with bringing up the past when you chose to get married and forgive. 

You need to work on your issues that happened prior to the marriage or i’m sorry to say it’ll never work. If it was something he did to lose your trust, then you shouldn’t have gotten married until it was fixed.  Because you are already married now, you need to come to the understanding that this is a life-long commitment.  You will have much more to worry about than 4 miserable married months…we’re talking YEARS of your life. 

Either learn to get over the issues with a counseling or mediation or you’ll be regretting you went through with the wedding in the first place.

Post # 33
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Lola518:  how old are you guys and how much time did you typically spend together before you got married?

Post # 34
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Lola518:  I think maybe it’s a combination of post wedding slump and the fact that living with someone new is HARD! I do agree with a PP though, you married this man for a reason, I think you need to try and work through it

Post # 35
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Have a read:

http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1861028,00.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-196134/Suffering-post-wedding-blues.html

Post wedding depression is an actual thing. You get so wrapped up in planning and imagining and everything is perfect! And then it’s not and reality hits you.

It’s probably just an adjustment period you’re going through. You didn’t live with him before, so you never got to see his idiosyncrasies or weird little habits, so EVERYTHING he does annoys you now. You were by yourself before so now that you’re with someone you feel suffocated. All of that is normal. But to make your marriage work, you have to learn to give and take and cohabitate. He obviously loves you very much. Just try to make yourself happy, and that will help. And it’s good you’re seeing (or planning to) a counselor. 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@cutiebomb7789:  “remember that love is not an emotion, it is a decision”

Absolutely.  Sometimes loving somebody comes naturally and easily.  And other times, it is very hard work.  If you continue with loving actions (compliments, saying thank you, making a nice meal, or however you used to express affection), the feelings might follow.    

Post # 37
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Lola518:  Hang in there! I sometimes feel really frustrated and I have questioned omg, why did I get married!? Was it the right choice? BUT I really think it has a lot more to do with the changes. We had been dating for 3 years, got engaged and planned a wedding in just 5 months, and moved in together for the first time. Oh, and I lost my job, he didn’t get a new job as wanted, and we got a new dog (not quite on purpose, a friend didnt want her anymore, and we love her).  

So more than a few changes… It’s hard adjusting to being married. I never believed how hard it would be. I mean, he annoys me so often with what a neat freak and perfectionist and I am more relaxed. But really at the end of the day, those things are not a big deal! 

I’m in therapy and taking medication and we talk about whats happening A LOT. It seems to help. Oh, and its one of the reasons I came back to the Bee. I like the annonymous support instead of going to my friends and “bad-mouthing” my husband. We’re here fr you! 

Post # 38
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Lola518:  After reading your post, I sort of wonder if it’s a combination of any of the following:

1. Post-wedding blues

2. Adjustment (moving in together AND being married – they are both different, huge life changes)

3. Normal wax & wane in a relationship

Other PPs have covered the first two, so I wanted to talk about #3. It is COMPLETELY normal for your feelings for your partner to go through high and low cycles. There are stretches of time where I think my DH (married 2.5 years, together for 7.5 years) is absolutely amazing, and other times where I’m like “why the hell did I marry this doofus?” It depends on a lot of factors, like what’s going on in other areas of both of our lives, our general mood, and sometimes just a stupid argument we’re having at the moment. And it’s OKAY to feel like this sometimes. What you have to do is really try and focus on the amazing parts of the person you married. (When we’d been dating a year, I made him a scrapbook with 365 reasons why I loved him. I’ll sometimes go back and read through it as a refresher of why he’s great.) It’s so easy in the day-to-day drudgery of life to no longer see the things that drew you to your partner in the first place. Taking some time to try and focus on those things can help.

I’m really glad you’re going to go see someone for counseling, and I hope it’s helpful for you. I just wanted to also point out that it’s really okay and normal to not be over-the-moon happy in your marriage all the time, especially as you’re just getting adjusted to it. Just keep working on things, both on your own and with your partner, and you will get through it.

Post # 43
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Lola518:  do you still have your own space/time apart? being married doesn’t mean you need to be attached at the hip 24/7 if that doesn’t work for you. It sounds to me like you are feeling suffocated by the relationship. I would suggest having some girls nights, guys nights, visit with your family etc and get some space. Also, try to have some real date nights for the 2 of you. Lastly, you need to adjust your expectations a long term relationship isnt going to be all fun and romance. Ultimately, maybe the two of you don’t belong together or maybe you just need some time to find the right balance in your relationship. 

Post # 44
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

Ooh, another thing I just thought of! Another poster suggested DOING things, little things, to show love, and perhaps the emotional aspect would follow. Are you familiar with the Love Languages? Google it, take the test, have your husband take it, then USE it. If he feels loved when you spend quality time with him, or through physical affection, or through gifts, use those things to show him you care. And he should use your love language to show YOU that he cares, too! The love languages are extremely powerful; being aware of how the other responds is a great tool in this situation.

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