(Closed) UNHAPPY- only 4 months married

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Lola518:  He doesnt seem to be getting the hint.  It seems that he could be bored at home and its only you to entertain him.  I sometimes do the same with DH.  *Guilty*  But Im not that bad.  Sometimes he does it to me but I like it cause im the annoying one sometimes! lol  I would set boundaries.  “When I get home from work I need an hour alone to recoup” or “When Im on the phone please dont interrupt”  or “Get outta my kitchen! Do you want dinner? If you keep talking to me youre not getting any!”  Make a list for yourself and see what annoys you the most.  He wont change, but you can control it.  Go through that list, just you, and pick the top 5 things that really bother you.  Talk to him about those.  And praise him when he is doing well.  So when you are able to cook dinner and he was leaving you alone the whole time, tell him thank you. 

Post # 48
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Lola518:  My SO and I dated for a year and a half before moving in together. Our first year living together so sooo hard. We fought all of the time. We were critical of each other about so many things. I’m not going to lie to you it was horrible, and there were many times we almost called it quits. I would constantly look back on things he had done before we lived together and recall them as way worse then they felt at the time. I think it was just anger. Now we’ve lived together for over a year and a half and we’ve started to get the swing of things and we are all lovey dovey and act like we did when we first started dating.

It’s hard, but if you work at it and remember why you love each other it gets better.

Post # 49
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Lola518:  I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.  I’ve skimmed through the responses and see people already have the difficulty of moving in covered – it really is a ROUGH adjustment, and you need to figure out a routine and figure out how to still have your own private space and time (which sounds particularly important to you).  I think it’s really important that your talk to your DH about these things – this is an adjustment for both of you, and you’re in a partnership now.

The big thing that I want to address is your statements about certain feelings going away or feeling like you’re falling out of love.  Do you allow your feelings to completely govern other areas of your life?  Not trying to be snarky, but serious here – I’m guessing the answer is no.  I doubt that you have a bad hair day or low self-esteem day and are convinced that you hate yourself.  Or have a rough day and work and decide to quit.  So why should your emotions have such huge sway in your marriage?  I’ve seen someone else say this in the comments, but it really is true – love is a choice that you have to make every day.  If you view it this way, it’s impossible to just “fall out of love.”  Rather, you have to decide you don’t love him anymore, that you just don’t care to maintain your relationship.  And I sincerely hope you don’t do this.

Focusing on the little things that drive you nuts will just make you spiral into this dark hole of misery.  There will always be things your husband does that bug you.  But you can choose not to let it wreck your relationship.  Focus on the things you love about him (there’s a reason you fell in love with him and chose him in the first place!).  And if it bugs you that much, talk to him about it!  Being able to openly communicate with your husband is really, really important.  It might not be a fun conversation, and you should probably think about how to phrase it kindly (not “I freaking hate how you always need to be around me and talk to me, UGH!”), but it could really help.  And with that in mind, you also should be open to hearing the things you’re doing that bug him (I guarantee, he has some pet peeves about you).

Good luck!  I do think if you’re having a hard time dealing with these things, going to talk to a counselor could really help you work through these issues.

Post # 50
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

@TaurianDoll:  I am the same age as you and have been married for 8 years (I know, married young!). My husband and I did not live together before getting married and there was a period of time when we did need to work out the kinks of adjusting to life together. One thing that I found really helped was to experience new things together outside of the home. When you try new things that are outside your comfort zone, it really makes you rely on your partner and is a great way to bond. So go on an adventure, and make a memory. Don’t just sit at home with your own thoughts, take that man of yours out and let loose and relax. You’ll feel better and may even have the chance to talk about it more when you’re both in a more refreshed frame of mind.

Post # 51
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Lola518:  

You are past the honeymoon stage and into the adjustment period. 

This is when you are learning that your husband is not perfect and even if you love him, he has some annoying traits. 

I think you have post wedding depression, along with the necessary task of adjusting to living together.

This is why I am so glad that I lived with my husband before we married. The adjustment period happened during our engagement. 

Post # 52
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Lola518:  

 

Your husband wants to be around you all the time because he loves you.

 

He is probably very adoring just now because you are his new wife. Give the man a break! Lots of wives would be happy to have their man so interested in them. 

 

I don’t think married couples should be joined at the hip, but newlyweds often want to be around each other all the time. It is completely normal. 

 

Think about how you would feel if he showed no interest in you or your life. 

Post # 53
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

@Lola518:  

yeah, not good for ANY relationship for you to not have some privacy. I can definitely see where you’re coming from!

if I were you I would set some firm guidelines – like, you get the bathroom to yourself, you get privacy when you’re on the phone (within reason – if he needs to come in, grab a sweater then leave that’s okay) and some sort of a signal that you need your own time… Like, putting on headphones means you’re getting alone time unless there is a time sensitive question to be answered. 

I bet in time you two will adjust to where you both are happy in terms of spending quality time vs being able to have time on your own.

Post # 54
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Lola518:  moving in together can be ROUGH!  Fh and I have lived together for 6.5 years now, and it was really rough at first – especially if you’ve never had a roommate (let alone a MALE roommate) before. 

It takes getting used to.  Give it some time, it will get better.  Find things to make things exciting again.  Find things to do at home that are your own personal space – finding that balance can be hard – people make you feel like you should want to be together all the time – you don’t have to.  Alone time is good, it’s okay 🙂

big HUGS!

ETA – i just read your reply about him wanting to be around you ALL THE TIME and he doesn’t get your need for personal space.  My FH needs much more personal space than I do.  I didn’t get it, and it made me feel bad that he didn’t want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him.  Then I saw this awesome little infographic about introverts versus extroverts and it made all the difference in my understanding of him.  FH is a total introvert, I’m not.  He needs alone time to recharge and relax and get energy – being alone makes me miserable and tired, I need people for energy.

Maybe try and explain WHY you need alone time instead of telling him you need alone time.  Explaining it might help.  It also takes time to find that balance of what is private time and what isn’t (especially when you’re living in close quarters). 

oh – and you’ll get over the idea of not wanting him to see you without having shaved thing….it takes time, but you’ll get there…..maybe that’s not a good thing, who knows 🙂

Post # 55
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I really think this will get better for you guys. When my Fiance slowly started moving in with me, it was rough. But, I must say, things have gotten so much better for us and we have never been at such a good place relationship wise. It does take getting used to but now we know what the other person needs space wise and we give each other that. If he wants to go hang out with his guys, then he goes and I try and leave him alone as best as I can (i’m guilty of being the girl that asks when he is coming home/what he wants for dinner, etc) and he leaves me alone if I have dinner with my girlfriends.

Post # 56
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@arsing89:  

Nothing wrong with asking your man what he wants for dinner. I do the same thing. 

My husband allows me my privacy and space, but he will also let me know when he would rather have me home with him. I usually oblige those requests because my husband rarely asks me to stay home rather than going out. 

 

Post # 57
Member
609 posts
Busy bee

@Lola518:  it sounds like you have a good partner; he’s willing to listen and support you during this difficult time you’re having.  That’s a wonderful start that he is open to letting you figure things out.  And, it’s also great that you’re able to communicate these things to him.  My best advice is to continue being honest with him.  It sounds like once you can find a balance with “space” and quality time together, and reach a good place regarding the past, you will be all set.  Best of luck 🙂

Post # 58
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Lola518:  I had a little nervous breakdown when bf(at the time) and me moved in. I loved it most of the time but then went through a phase where I didn’t feel special and worried I didn’t sign up for this boredom ( which wasn’t his fault- we are saving $$ too). No date night out to get away from roommates and see each other… Every night was in because we had our own place and it was easier to not plan. My mom had great advice that stuck with me. She said ups and downs don’t just last a week- it may last weeks or months and you have to be there for the bad and the good. People get ill, laid off, fat, lazy, depressed, annoying, short tempered and just because it wasn’t a part of your life- it is or will be maybe at some point. That’s what I think the vows are for. To promise to weather the bad and not jump ship when the going gets rough. My bf was the same kind, loving person but my needs and wants were making me question the situation and I was worried its not what I wanted. It passed and we talked about making sure to get out of the house and try. I can’t even tell you how in love I am. I’ve never seen what we have in any other couple in real life. What if I gave up then? I think it will come back if you get to the root of your annoyance. If he relaxes on his particulars which will happen with time or faster with a conversation then you may not be annoyed and enjoy him more leading back to fun times and attraction. good luck!

Post # 59
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Lola518:  I didn’t read all of the comments, but I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you are going through.  My husband did something that really hurt me (emotionally) about a month before the wedding.  There were several smaller issues with him and his family not listening to me (in regards to wedding planning), but this last thing was the final straw that broke me. I can’t even describe how bad I felt.  I felt like I lost everything we had.  I didn’t trust or respect him anymore.  I hated how I felt.  I really struggled to not cry whenever I thought of it.  I spent hours and hours talking/crying to my mom.  We had been together for a long time and I was very happy with our relationship until then.  With only one month until the wedding, I felt stuck.  I decided to go through with the wedding and I am glad I did.  It took about a year for the hurt to subside.  I still hate that the situation happened, but I accept that it happened and I trust that DH wouldn’t do something like that again. 

What I am trying to say is that things will (probably/most likely) get better.  You are going through a lot of transitions right now and marriage is tough.  Give yourself some time.  Go to counseling if you want to.  Try and talk to someone about how you are feeling.  I would talk with my mom because she is very reasonable about things, but typically they recommend not talking to family or close friends.  You don’t want them to dislike your DH too.  Try and recreate what you had before.  Try and stay positive (hard to do in the situation, I know)!   IMO, 4 months isn’t that much time.  I would wait at least a year and try everything I could before I would even start to consider divorce.

Good luck to you!

Post # 60
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You have made the commitment to stay with your husband though good times and bads – that is what your vows were about. It sounds like to me, that maybe you still need time to adjust living together and maybe it is a big transition for you. It could be possible that you will feel better after time to get used to it all.

 

The things you mentioned are very minor flaws – no one is perfect – remember that there may be things about you that are slightly annoying too. Marraige is about being a team and serving each other and it is not supposed to be all about me, me, me.

 

I don’t mean to sound harsh but sometimes a dose of reality and constructive criticism is needed. I have found flaws in my attitudes towards my relationship and am thankful when I have that wake up call that tells me to change.

 

I recommend reading The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.

Post # 61
Member
1438 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I personally think councelling is a waste of time and money for most people.  

i think instead you should talk to women you know who actually have great marriages, and get advice from them.  Talk to women who are in a desireable relationship.   

Someone mentioned something about nicely telling him how something he does is bothering or annoying you.   DONT DO THIS.  no matter how nicely you can put it, it will still come across as an insult And he will start to feel inadequate.   Whatever you do, don’t nitpick things he can’t help.  

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