(Closed) UNHAPPY- only 4 months married

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 62
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Honestly, I think this is very normal. Fiance and I have been living together for about 6 months and are still adjusting. It takes time, and it takes work. The downside of this happening after being freshly married is that you’re feeling like there is a correlation between you being unhappy and married life. These are the things people don’t talk about. No one tells you how stressful it can be to live together, to adjust to each other’s lifestyles, to compromise in order to have a functional household.

As far as feeling like you fell out of love, and the lack of attraction, I really think that you DO love him, you are just getting caught up in the frustrations. You two really need to communicate and work together to come up with a way to fix this. Counseling may help, but I think its totally something you could get through on your own.

Good luck πŸ™‚

Post # 65
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Lola518:  I’m so happy to hear your update! You just had quite a few big changes in your life and each one on its one requires an adjustment period but all of them together (marriage & living together for the firsr time) can be overwhelming. I am so glad that you were able to have an open conversation with your DH about wanting a little more space. You two will find your groove in no time. 

When I was reading your comment about how he’ll come into the room when you are on the phone having a private conversation or talk to you while you are in the bath, I couldn’t help but laugh because that is SO me! When DH is home I just want to be in the same room with him. We spend all day apart so come the evening I just want to be together. I actually shower with him a couple of times a week as well. (It used to be every morning, but I’m such a morning person & DH isn’t; that my super bubbly energetic self int he morning would annoy the heck out of him) so now I’ll come out to the kitchen & get his lunch ready or do the dishes or sleep in while DH gets ready for work. The reason I tell you this is because I have the perspective of your DH, I just want to be close to my DH and as I jokingly say “smother him with my love.” My heart is in the right place but sometimes I forget to consider that maybe he just needs some time to himself. 

You two are going to do great together just give it time!!!

Post # 66
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Lola518: I read the original post and never commented, but I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been working it out! Honestly, I know exactly how you feel about your DH needing to talk to you all the time–FI is like that, whereas I am a complete and utter introvert and sometimes just need to sit quietly and be in my own head, with or without him.

I will say, though, that it took him a long time to get it–but now that he does, it’s perfect! So I’m sure yrou DH is going to work hard and make sure that he gets to the same point with you πŸ™‚

Post # 67
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I can really relate to what you are saying. I moved in with my Fiance (then BF) in July. It was a cross country move and we don’t have any family where we are at. It is super hard sometimes. It certainly isn’t perfect by any stretch. Our apartment is messy and disgusting most days and I feel like I have a never ending supply of dirty boxers to wash. Sometimes nothing feels romantic and it feels like we are friends not lovers. But really we are best friends, and lovers.  I can’t wait to marry this dude and have his kids one day. I know he will be an awesome dad. I hope you get through the rough patch. Not every day (or days or months even) is perfect but that doesn’t mean you aren’t with your perfect guy. 

Post # 68
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t have anythign to add, but I just want to say I think your marriage will be ok. Sounds like you hit a rough patch, but I think you’ll get your groove back. Keep at it and I really think you will find your happiness πŸ™‚

Post # 69
Member
4145 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s highly unlikely that your true feelings just VANISHED overnight. Maybe you feel depressed or low because of the wedding and all the exciting stuff being over, maybe you have feelings of thinking it would be different, maybe its just the change. Whatever it is, I am going to be another counseling advocate. As i think that ANYtime someone is having a rough time and doesn’t know how to sort through their feelings, they should go talk to a counselor. Talking diretly to a neutral third party can be very eye opening. 

There are a LOT of things that could be totally unrelated to your husband, that are making you pick on him and have negative feelings towards him

Post # 70
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Lola518:  Hi. I wanted to reach out to you because I’m going through the same thing. We have been married just over 3 months, but we lived together about a year before we married. 

I had lived with two men before him, so that part isn’t new but we live in a house I didn’t pick (he owned it before we met) and I have never lived with HIM and HIS SON. That has been a huge adjustment. Those two things. I feel so out of sorts and unhappy most days. Yes, I have tried telling him and he hears me out, but we can’t buy another house right now…maybe in 2 years. We at least share that…we both want to be in this house less than 2 years. And his son IS a great kid and loves me. Adores me. Reminds me constantly (as I interally cringe) that I am his step mom and a “parent” to him. Some days I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am. I still can’t believe I am married. I’m in my mid 30’s…I wondered if I would ever get married. I wanted it but I doubted it for a long time. 

Overall though, I find myself getting annoyed with everything. I hate that my husband doesn’t put shit away. I hate that he leaves dirty dishes out on the counter. I hate how horrible his breath is in the morning b/c he needs to get his tonsils removed and they cause horrible breathe until that happens. I hate that last night he slurped down the huge drink we had at the movies and left me none and I had to go back and get another refil (he got the first one) and then he left me none…again! 

Despite all of this…I have to say, that you are not going to like my answer. Most days I don’t like my answer… But, it isn’t him. It’s YOU. Us. It’s us adjusting and there is no timeline. None.

I currently attend therapy and she has yet to say any of what I’m feeling is wrong but she also counsels my husband separately and she knows him. She tells me he’s a good guy (he is) and he wants this marriage (he does). And you know…I annoy the crap out of him, too. I know it. I have told her I wonder if I made made a mistake. Her answer was that since she is a marriage counselor, she supports marriage. lol UGH!! No one has taken me aside yet and said based on how I’m feeling I should leave my husband. 

So, this is what we signed up for. It is. I am aware it looks nothing at all how we imagined. We aren’t the only ones that have had adjustment issues….TONS of women do. Right after we got engaged, I read a book called Emotionally Engaged. It talks about all these adjustments. Sometimes women don’t go through this during engagement. Sometimes it takes place after the wedding. Some never go through this at all. 

I’ve struggled with it all…changing my name, this new space, joining accounts, his mom hates me, his ex wife wants to literally ruin our lives and continues trying, figuring out our money and saving personalities, sex, losing gf’s right when I got engaged b/c they were envious and couldn’t handle it (I guess…I still don’t know why two started acting weird and saying mean things about marriage and weddings) unhappy with my e-ring, our Honeymoon sucked….name it and it’s happened. 

So you are probably wondering what the hell I’m doing…how do I deal with it? I have found a few things that interest me on my own…I went back to school. I’m looking at getting my nutrition on track and trying a new workout. I spend time alone and try to make new gf’s, while making plans with old ones. I also shop. lol And I read. I Pinterest ideas and go do them. In other words, I try to focus on ME. Because you know, if we leave our husbands to go find the elusive guy that “has it all” we will be in the same boat. Why? Because we are the common denominator.

Change IS hard. Marriage IS hard. It’s not for the lightweights. I validate all that you are feeling and I hope you know you are not alone. Please feel free to IM me. 

 

Take Care

Post # 71
Member
763 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Coral99:  +1,000,000– Wonderful advice for OP. I agree that doing your “own thing” is so important.

 

View original reply
@Lola518:  Op, I had a lot of the same feelings. Apparently, it is really normal! I have only been married for a little over 2 months and there have been some “what did I get myself into?!?!?!”, so I talked to my older sis and she recommended that we go out on a date, I should get some new hobbies and spend more time with my friends. My sis also said, “it takes a long time to build a family with your husband– be patient.”

Best to you…it’s normal!

Post # 72
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@luckylady3090:  You are sooo lucky you have a sis to talk to! It is very true that it takes awhile. Nobody tells you this!!

Post # 73
Member
763 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Coral99:  It’s true! The phrase “the honeymoon is over” is so applicable!  I agree, I am very lucky for the guidance of my sis.:)

Post # 74
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@luckylady3090:  We didn’t have the honeymoon stage I don’t think? Maybe honeymoon weeks? Or days? Hahah. How about honeymoon moments? 

My husband is a lovely man. He really, really is. And I love him dearly. It’s all a learning process, I’m sure. I can’t imagine anyone else…that’s my barometer. πŸ˜‰ But my goodness is marriage hard at times! 

Post # 75
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I hope things get better for you, but it will be a hard and long road. One of my closest friends was in a similar situation 3 years ago. She got married at 25, was of an Indian community(though she was born in Canada and he was born in India; marriage was semi-arranged by parents and friends but the couple did love each other and date). The community itself was(and is) super stern on couples NOT moving in together prior to marriage or even going to vacations together. She did not go to long vacations with him to “test the waters” of the two of them being together for at least a week and away from everyone else.

So, after she moved in with him she quickly discovered he wasn’t as great of a partner as she imagined. They had serious fights and his family interfered at every step. They broke up after 1 year… gave each other 6 months of separation…then got back together and moved OUT of the community. Now, they are happy and strong.

There are some options: see how you feel six months into the marriage, or a year into the marriage. BOTH of you have to talk with each other and improve communication. Try to establish clear rules in regards to his family interfering with your business. You are now his number one priority. You are his wife and he is your husband, there is no need for family to interfere, and it is my humble opinion that you are a team. Because you are a team, he should choose you over others.

I’m in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple’s control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I’m opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement — that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return.” – By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Make a list of all the things you love about him. Things that you think he should impove on and get him to do the same. Talk about it. I cannot emphasize this enough: talk talk talk. Communication is key to a successful relationship.

You mentioned your community is on the strict side…if things don’t improve, dont be afraid to leave. IF it is something you strongly feel you cannot solve by communicating and trying your hardest (both trying hardest) to find the love and affection…then don’t be scared to start over.

My fiancee and I moved in together last year to see how things go (we were not fiancees then). He popped the question 8 months after move in date. But let me tell you, those 8 months were a major adjustment period. Communication is what got us through.

 

Good luck, fellow Bee <3 

Post # 76
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Lola518:  If my DH was following me around like that, I would seriously have to hurt him. Luckily, we are both introverts and like our alone time, but sometimes they are out of sync. So he wants to cuddle and watch TV and I just want him to go away. At which point I usually turn to him and say, “Dont you want to play your computer games now?” Which he knows is code for–Leave me alone. LOL

So glad you are talking to him and he is being so understanding. I’m sure once you get the space issue worked out, things will start to feel much better. Also, make sure to pay attention to all the good things that you are grateful for. Yesterday, DH was a grouchy bear and stepped over the line into kinda being an a**hole. I was ticked, but held my tongue because nothing good happens when I snap at an angry bear. It took effort, but I did notice that he filled the cat’s water bowl, he was nice to my Mom (she is visiting and I’m sure contributing to our overall stress), took out the trash and did the laundry. So I was mad, but made sure to be grateful of the things he did do. 

BTW- this afternoon, I told him what an A$$ he was yesterday and he was so apologetic and bent over backward to make it better. 

I’m confident that you will find that loving feeling again. But dont look for it. Just live in the moment–tell DH what is bothering you, what would make it better (sometimes, nothing makes it better, but talking about it seems to help) and look for things to be grateful about. Eventually, when you arent looking for it, Love will come back!

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