@Lola518: Hi. I wanted to reach out to you because I’m going through the same thing. We have been married just over 3 months, but we lived together about a year before we married.
I had lived with two men before him, so that part isn’t new but we live in a house I didn’t pick (he owned it before we met) and I have never lived with HIM and HIS SON. That has been a huge adjustment. Those two things. I feel so out of sorts and unhappy most days. Yes, I have tried telling him and he hears me out, but we can’t buy another house right now…maybe in 2 years. We at least share that…we both want to be in this house less than 2 years. And his son IS a great kid and loves me. Adores me. Reminds me constantly (as I interally cringe) that I am his step mom and a “parent” to him. Some days I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am. I still can’t believe I am married. I’m in my mid 30’s…I wondered if I would ever get married. I wanted it but I doubted it for a long time.
Overall though, I find myself getting annoyed with everything. I hate that my husband doesn’t put shit away. I hate that he leaves dirty dishes out on the counter. I hate how horrible his breath is in the morning b/c he needs to get his tonsils removed and they cause horrible breathe until that happens. I hate that last night he slurped down the huge drink we had at the movies and left me none and I had to go back and get another refil (he got the first one) and then he left me none…again!
Despite all of this…I have to say, that you are not going to like my answer. Most days I don’t like my answer… But, it isn’t him. It’s YOU. Us. It’s us adjusting and there is no timeline. None.
I currently attend therapy and she has yet to say any of what I’m feeling is wrong but she also counsels my husband separately and she knows him. She tells me he’s a good guy (he is) and he wants this marriage (he does). And you know…I annoy the crap out of him, too. I know it. I have told her I wonder if I made made a mistake. Her answer was that since she is a marriage counselor, she supports marriage. lol UGH!! No one has taken me aside yet and said based on how I’m feeling I should leave my husband.
So, this is what we signed up for. It is. I am aware it looks nothing at all how we imagined. We aren’t the only ones that have had adjustment issues….TONS of women do. Right after we got engaged, I read a book called Emotionally Engaged. It talks about all these adjustments. Sometimes women don’t go through this during engagement. Sometimes it takes place after the wedding. Some never go through this at all.
I’ve struggled with it all…changing my name, this new space, joining accounts, his mom hates me, his ex wife wants to literally ruin our lives and continues trying, figuring out our money and saving personalities, sex, losing gf’s right when I got engaged b/c they were envious and couldn’t handle it (I guess…I still don’t know why two started acting weird and saying mean things about marriage and weddings) unhappy with my e-ring, our Honeymoon sucked….name it and it’s happened.
So you are probably wondering what the hell I’m doing…how do I deal with it? I have found a few things that interest me on my own…I went back to school. I’m looking at getting my nutrition on track and trying a new workout. I spend time alone and try to make new gf’s, while making plans with old ones. I also shop. lol And I read. I Pinterest ideas and go do them. In other words, I try to focus on ME. Because you know, if we leave our husbands to go find the elusive guy that “has it all” we will be in the same boat. Why? Because we are the common denominator.
Change IS hard. Marriage IS hard. It’s not for the lightweights. I validate all that you are feeling and I hope you know you are not alone. Please feel free to IM me.