(Closed) unintentional (i think) insults from MIL

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t have any real advice because I have zero experience with this (yet), I think that you just need to stand your ground when she tries to boss you around, otherwise she’ll think that she can always get away with it. And of course, I’ve heard that you’re supposed to get your husband to back you up as well…

My similar, but not really, situation is that we are at the name picking stage, and my husband keeps running names by his mom, and then she vetoes them. I told him to stop telling her because I really don’t care what she wants to name the baby, it is MY baby… I’m also pretty sure she’ll decide that she needs to butt in once the baby arrives (which I’m dreading), so I’ll be watching to see what other posters tell you to do.

Post # 4
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Disclaimer:  I have no kids.  Blind leading the blind.

Try laughing it off to her and say, “I suppose everyone just needs to learn their own lessons in life.  Parenting doesn’t come with a manual after all” or “I know there are so many books out there with so many different contradicting methods!  My mother, for example says to do X.  We’re just figuring it out as we go.  Wouldn’t you agree kids are pretty resilent?  In the long run, I doubt a shortened nap now will affect her later.”  If she persists, start being more direct, “I’m sure you can imagine how much advice I’m getting from everyone, it’s pretty overwhelming, so please understand as I figure this out myself.  [Husband] and I have decided that we will do


.  When you had [husband], did you find everyone was offering you advice on how to raise him?  How did you cope with it?”

Post # 5
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

@kay01 good one! at “when you had husband, did you find everyone was offering you advice on how to raise him? How did you cope with it?”

The baby isnt here yet and i am hoping my Mother-In-Law will keep her comments to herself.

 

Post # 6
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Be firm! This is YOUR baby. Lets’s say my son is named Jeffery Alan, MIL kept calling him Alan. After 2 weeks I said “His name is Jeffery” “It’s just a nickname” “No, it’s his middle name and I’d appriciate if you respect the name WE chose” She felt really bad, and I felt like a b**** but if I hadn’t said anything, she’d probably still be calling him by his middle name! I didn’t mean for it to come out like that but when you hold these feelings in… they find their way out whether you like it or not! She never meant any harm by it, but it screamed I HATE THE NAME YOU CHOSE and it felt so disrespectful to me.

Try to stay logical and FIRM. “Did you just wake up T? In this house we don’t wake a sleeping baby. I could gaze in his eyes all day long but I’d rather wait until he wakes up. We don’t want a cranky baby, do we?” This says to her “It’s my house (and child) and what I say goes.I’m saying this because it’s best for the baby” without saying THAT.

There is nothing wrong with asserting yourself and standing up for what you want for YOUR child. You would be AMAZED at how quick they are to apologize as soon as you assert yourself. GL!

Post # 7
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks

She sounds a lot like my Mother-In-Law, who I am positive is entirely good intentioned. For some of them (like when she calls solely to say “make sure the baby’s warm enough!”) I’m just like “okay” in a slightly annoyed voice, which she does not appear to be picking up on haha. But for things I actively disagree with – she said “maybe formula would be better for him” WTF?!? I’m pro-formula in a million different circumstances but if mother & baby are happy, healthy & thriving (& baby is super chubby) who SAYS that?!? – I just reply in a very serious voice making eye contact “no, this is better.” She still doesn’t necessarily act the way I would hope in general, but she tends to drop specific arguments that I’m very firm with her about. (ie she had asked me about 20 times if I’m giving him any formula or if she should buy him any formula before that and I just said no, but she hasn’t brought that up at all since I said this is better.) I had literally NEVER stood up to her (or even talked much to her – her English isn’t great & she’s very shy) before the baby was born but now she spends hours over here each week when my husband is at work, so I finally had to. It still stresses me out to do it, but it’s way better than the passive seething I’d been doing the first couple months!!! So I vote for a firm “No. He is not cold” in a very serious voice when whatever she says calls for it. It’s the only way I’ve found to assert myself as the mother & therefore the AUTHORITY on MY OWN baby!! Good luck!!!

Post # 8
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

My little girl isn’t coming for another month but both my mom and Mother-In-Law have a tendency to do this.  My mom even made comments when we got our dog about how I was going to be a bad mother because I had them sit before they got food and went outside and she thought I was being too strict or something (where this came from I have no idea, my dad was in the military so I was raised fairly stictly).

But that was good practice for brushing off their comments.  I try not to immediately brush them off but for the most part I’m confident and even if I’m wrong sometimes ah well, who expects a first time mom to do everything perfect, it’s going to be trial and error even with each kid.  But I also know they’re just tying to help so I just change the subject or say we might try that later when they bring up child rearing stuff now.  I think new grandmothers don’t always know what to do with themselves.

Post # 9
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Join the club. My FI’s Mother 4 years later still makes comments as if she knows better how to take care of our son than we do. A few times I have had to put her in her place. For the most part, I ignore it. You’ll grow to learn how to tune her out.

Post # 10
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Unfortunately it seems to be part and parcel of having a baby – all the unwanted and usually unwarrented advice and comments.  My response to these kind of comments and “advice” is usually either no response or a noncommittal “hmm” as I continue to do what I want or “I’ll keep that in mind” and still continue to do as I please.  Yes, she will get pissy (or at least in my experience that is the case) but if you remain calm and continue to raise and parent your child as you want she’ll eventually see that what you are doing is absolutely fine and your baby is thriving even though you aren’t doing it her way.  The other possibility when it truly is more than you can take is to sit her down and express to her that you truly appreciate her viewpoint and thank her for her input however, you feel it is important to try things your way and if it doesn’t work then you’ll look at alternatives.  Not an easy conversation, particularly since it is your Mother-In-Law and not your mother but sometimes it still needs to occur.  Ususally starting with the appreciation and thanks approach (kill them with kindness and all that) will get them to leave it alone for awhile.  Best of luck in a tough situation. 

ETA: On the waking the baby to look at his eyes, my dad of all people was that way.  It was actually my husband that stopped him and said don’t dare wake him unless you are prepared to feed him.  (I’m BFing him).  It stopped him in his tracks and made him think twice.

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