unintentional mom-zilla?

posted 7 months ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should the bride tell her bridesmaids that her mom is planning on several bridal showers?

    yes

    only if mom expects bridesmaids to organize and pay

  • Post # 2
    Member
    182 posts
    Blushing bee

    The host should always pay. You aren’t responsible for anything you aren’t hosting. You can give a gift of money – if you want. Be upfront about what you can and can’t pay for to avoid any future drama.

    Post # 3
    Member
    47415 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Bridesmaids are not responsible to pay for anything they weren’t involved in planning.

    As a bride, I wouldn’t even expect gifts from my bridesmaids, either at the shower or wedding. The wedding party spends enough on someone else’s wedding. Of course it would never be wrong to bring a small gift, and I would always bring a card.

    Post # 4
    Member
    6985 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    You aren’t obligated to give anyone money for anything you haven’t explicitly agreed to cover. Meaning, any requests for contributions to pay toward the event, purchase multiple gifts, pay for food or drink. NOTHING. 

    It would be wise to check in and get clear about their expectations since there are a lot of stories on here about people losing their minds around weddings and thinking their one day party entitles them to have ALL their dreams and fantasies come true on someone else’s dime. But even if they are expecting you to give them money, that doesn’t mean that you have to.

    “What is your expectation around total contributions from Bridesmaids? My budget is x y z.”

    “No, unfortunately, I won’t be able to contribute to that.”

    “No, I’m not going to cover that.”

    “No, I’m not going to pay for that.”

    “No”

    Post # 5
    Member
    3801 posts
    Honey bee

    Nope.  You don’t have to pay or attend.

    im surprised you didn’t know about it, but it’s no big deal.  Most of my friends have 2-3 showers.  Brides family, Grooms family and then since most of us live out of town maybe a friend party.

    I typically would go to the one that was most convenient for me and wasn’t ever asked to contribute.

    Post # 6
    Member
    5909 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Wait, why is she a momzilla??

    She hasn’t even asked you to pay anything, you’re freaking out about nothing. If you’re free then go, if not politely decline. This just seems like a non issue. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    13905 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Agree with PP – I see no reason to call this woman a mom-zilla. She seems like she’s planning and hosting a bridal shower. How is that at all on the -zilla level? 

    You are not responsible for funding any party you aren’t hosting. I would make an effort to attend because the bride is obviously a close friend, but remember that an invitations is not a summons, so you can politely decline if you are unable to attend. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    8981 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    maidenathand : 

    • Do you know if any other bridesmaids were aware of the shower?
    • Do you know if invitations have gone out?
    • What makes you think there might be more than one shower?

    It’s odd that she planned a shower without the bridesmaids knowing about it, but I would assume that means she is paying for the whole thing. If she hasn’t asked for a contribution, I would not offer and I would not worry about it. If she does ask you for money and you are happy to contribute without the hassle of having to plan anything, give whatever you want and can afford. (That’s what I would choose.) If you don’t want to contribute, tell her you knew nothing about it so you haven’t budgeted for it and will have to decline the late offer to co-host. If she scheduled it for a day you’re unavailable, like out of town or have to work and can’t get it off, your friend needs to understand that.

    Post # 9
    Member
    5025 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Whoever is offering to host the shower is the one who pays for it. That may or may not be people in the wedding party. Anyone can offer to host a shower. If you didn’t offer to host this shower than the expectation would be you don’t pay for it.

    And as others have noted, it is common to have several smaller showers if you have several people who offered to host showers and are trying to accommodate different groups of people. For example having one for her side of the family. Having one for her future spouses side of the family. And maybe having one for just her friends or maybe even co-workers. it is up to the hosts how many they can invite and are willing to host. 

    If this is the first you’re hearing about the shower and you haven’t received an invitation, I wouldn’t even assume that you’re invited to the shower let alone expected to pay for it and participate in the hosting of it. Perhaps her mom is just throwing it for a few family members on their side of the family.

     Now if you and the other bridesmaids want to get together and throw her another shower with a different guest list, such as mutual friends, there’s nothing stopping you from doing that.

    Post # 10
    Member
    9653 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    maidenathand :  

    What they all said. And, whilst it might have been more courteous for her mum to have told you directly – you say her mom ‘was talking about ‘ the shower, not sure if you meant to you, or that you heard second hand – it may be that the one she is planning is family women only, it does not remotely make her a momzilla. 
    l would assume you are not invited and certainly not expected to pay. In your position l would discreetly try and find this out and if you aren’t don’t stress about it. If you are, great, a party with nor planning or paying out.  

    Post # 11
    Member
    2982 posts
    Sugar bee

    This isn’t a momzilla unless she asks you to pay.

    Post # 13
    Member
    9653 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    maidenathand :  

    It might have been more accurate of you to thank everybody , not just  ‘those who support bridesmaids  not paying’ since not one poster did support that.  

    Also, you said earlier that the justification for using the term momzilla was that you had prefaced it with ‘ unintentional’ and said that people didn’t realise the effect their behaviour had on others , but really you have not actually said what this behaviour is , apart from, apparently,  the brides mother planning a shower you didn’t know about. If you take offence as easily as it seems from this thread, maybe they were afraid how you’d respond if you were told of this other shower. Silly of them really as it turned out you are offended anyway.

    Hope it all works out…

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