Post # 1
I am a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding. Her mom was talking about a bridal shower that I don’t know anything about that is coming up really soon! Should I have been in on the planning? Do I still have to pay if her mom organized it? What if I can’t be there? It sounds like there could be more than one shower for my friend…do bridemaids have to organize, pay for, and attend all of them?
Post # 2
The host should always pay. You aren’t responsible for anything you aren’t hosting. You can give a gift of money – if you want. Be upfront about what you can and can’t pay for to avoid any future drama.
Post # 3
Bridesmaids are not responsible to pay for anything they weren’t involved in planning.
As a bride, I wouldn’t even expect gifts from my bridesmaids, either at the shower or wedding. The wedding party spends enough on someone else’s wedding. Of course it would never be wrong to bring a small gift, and I would always bring a card.
Post # 4
You aren’t obligated to give anyone money for anything you haven’t explicitly agreed to cover. Meaning, any requests for contributions to pay toward the event, purchase multiple gifts, pay for food or drink. NOTHING.
It would be wise to check in and get clear about their expectations since there are a lot of stories on here about people losing their minds around weddings and thinking their one day party entitles them to have ALL their dreams and fantasies come true on someone else’s dime. But even if they are expecting you to give them money, that doesn’t mean that you have to.
“What is your expectation around total contributions from Bridesmaids? My budget is x y z.”
“No, unfortunately, I won’t be able to contribute to that.”
“No, I’m not going to cover that.”
“No, I’m not going to pay for that.”
Post # 5
Nope. You don’t have to pay or attend.
im surprised you didn’t know about it, but it’s no big deal. Most of my friends have 2-3 showers. Brides family, Grooms family and then since most of us live out of town maybe a friend party.
I typically would go to the one that was most convenient for me and wasn’t ever asked to contribute.
Post # 6
Wait, why is she a momzilla??
She hasn’t even asked you to pay anything, you’re freaking out about nothing. If you’re free then go, if not politely decline. This just seems like a non issue.
Post # 7
Agree with PP – I see no reason to call this woman a mom-zilla. She seems like she’s planning and hosting a bridal shower. How is that at all on the -zilla level?
You are not responsible for funding any party you aren’t hosting. I would make an effort to attend because the bride is obviously a close friend, but remember that an invitations is not a summons, so you can politely decline if you are unable to attend.
Post # 8
- Do you know if any other bridesmaids were aware of the shower?
- Do you know if invitations have gone out?
- What makes you think there might be more than one shower?
It’s odd that she planned a shower without the bridesmaids knowing about it, but I would assume that means she is paying for the whole thing. If she hasn’t asked for a contribution, I would not offer and I would not worry about it. If she does ask you for money and you are happy to contribute without the hassle of having to plan anything, give whatever you want and can afford. (That’s what I would choose.) If you don’t want to contribute, tell her you knew nothing about it so you haven’t budgeted for it and will have to decline the late offer to co-host. If she scheduled it for a day you’re unavailable, like out of town or have to work and can’t get it off, your friend needs to understand that.
Post # 9
Whoever is offering to host the shower is the one who pays for it. That may or may not be people in the wedding party. Anyone can offer to host a shower. If you didn’t offer to host this shower than the expectation would be you don’t pay for it.
And as others have noted, it is common to have several smaller showers if you have several people who offered to host showers and are trying to accommodate different groups of people. For example having one for her side of the family. Having one for her future spouses side of the family. And maybe having one for just her friends or maybe even co-workers. it is up to the hosts how many they can invite and are willing to host.
If this is the first you’re hearing about the shower and you haven’t received an invitation, I wouldn’t even assume that you’re invited to the shower let alone expected to pay for it and participate in the hosting of it. Perhaps her mom is just throwing it for a few family members on their side of the family.
Now if you and the other bridesmaids want to get together and throw her another shower with a different guest list, such as mutual friends, there’s nothing stopping you from doing that.
Post # 10
What they all said. And, whilst it might have been more courteous for her mum to have told you directly – you say her mom ‘was talking about ‘ the shower, not sure if you meant to you, or that you heard second hand – it may be that the one she is planning is family women only, it does not remotely make her a momzilla.
l would assume you are not invited and certainly not expected to pay. In your position l would discreetly try and find this out and if you aren’t don’t stress about it. If you are, great, a party with nor planning or paying out.
Post # 11
This isn’t a momzilla unless she asks you to pay.
Post # 12
To clarify, I did say “unintentional”. Sometimes people do not realize how their behavior affects others (so I am told). Thank you to those who support bridesmaids not paying for this bridal shower being planned and hosted by the bride and her mother.
Post # 13
It might have been more accurate of you to thank everybody , not just ‘those who support bridesmaids not paying’ since not one poster did support that.
Also, you said earlier that the justification for using the term momzilla was that you had prefaced it with ‘ unintentional’ and said that people didn’t realise the effect their behaviour had on others , but really you have not actually said what this behaviour is , apart from, apparently, the brides mother planning a shower you didn’t know about. If you take offence as easily as it seems from this thread, maybe they were afraid how you’d respond if you were told of this other shower. Silly of them really as it turned out you are offended anyway.
Hope it all works out…