Post # 1
One of my bridesmaids seems to be completely uninterested in my wedding and I’m wondering if I should give her a chance to step out.
I was one of her bridesmaids last fall but since her wedding she has barely spoken to me. I’ve tried to talk to her about my wedding but she replies with "I’m not interested in talking about weddings." I think that this is entirely unfair because when she was engaged we discussed her wedding all the time and I would go to bookstores and look through bridal magazines with her!
She also could not make any of the bridesmaid dress or wedding dress shopping and has not responded to my emails about the bridesmaid dress. I sent out the last email 3 weeks ago offering to go with her to David’s whenever she had the time and also sent her the dress number and color. I have not heard back from her.
My future mother-in-law has offered to speak to her (they are aquaintances) but I don’t feel comfortable with that idea.
I was thinking about sending her an email like this:
Hi! How are you? I hope everything is going well.
I just wanted to check with you if you are still interested in being one of my bridesmaids. I know that this has been a busy year for you and that you are also in Friend’s wedding so I just want to make sure that being in our wedding will not be a burden on you.
I know that we haven’t had much time to hang out this year because of family issues and work. Last time we met for dinner I felt like you were a little standoff-ish so I guess this is a check on our friendship as well. I hope that I didn’t do anything to offend you and if I did I’m sorry.
Please let me know,
I guess part of the problem is I don’t really feel comfortable having her in my wedding anymore. I know that my wedding isn’t the center of everyone’s world but if we’re having dinner I should at least be able to chat about it! The way things are I can’t imagine being comfortable with her in my party because I think that she would be a wet blanket during a very fun time.
Has anyone offered a bridesmaid a way out before? And did it turn out well for everyone? Also, were you relieved? Because I think I would be relieved.
Post # 3
I think being proactive about your situation is a great way to go. Maybe she doesn’t realize that she’s being stand offish. Maybe she’s got wedding-envy. Maybe she’s upset with you for something. Point is, you sound a lot like me in that I would speculate and speculate until I knew something for sure. I would definitely ask her and give her the option of opting out. Take the high road. Good job!
Post # 4
I think that is a great way to approach it. There is nothing wrong with giving her a way out. No one would want someone at their wedding that does not want to be there period. Planning a wedding is enough to worry about, you should not have to worry if your bridesmaid is ever going to order her dress that is ridiculous. I do hope it works out though, good luck!
Post # 5
I agree it would be a good idea to talk to her, but perhaps over coffee would be better? Sometimes e-mails can be misinterpreted and it is harder to tell what someone is really trying to say over e-mail.
It sounds like she is being very insensitive, particularly because you were very supportive while she was planning her own wedding. Either way, I do think talking about it would be beneficial.
Post # 6
Great point, erindesmar. She needs to know that your wedding isn’t some veiled ultimatum and that she’s still your friend regardless of her decision.
Post # 7
I have to agree with Erindesmar I think your email is positive, but because of the situation I think it’s best that this is done in a conversation, preferably not over the phone either because of interruptions. Maybe she’s going through a few things that you don’t know about. MY Maid/Matron of Honor can make me feel this way sometimes. But I know there are several factors to it.
Post # 8
I think it’s a good idea to have that conversation with her to see what’s wrong, but I might not let her know exactly what you are thinking over email. It might be ok to say you feel a little disconnected and ask to meet for coffee, then bring it up there. She might not want to chat about weddings, but that’s a perfect way to gently ask her what’s wrong and if she’s not comfortable being a bridesmaid, you can let her out.
Good luck with this!
Post # 9
It seems she’s made it clear in a passive aggressive way that she is not supportive of your wedding. You have every right to have happy, supportive, and loving people around you for your wedding day. I’d say cut her loose in a nice way. I wouldn’t give her the chance to give some lame excuse about still participating and then flake out at the last minute and stress you out.
Post # 10
It sounds like it might be a challenge to meet up with her in the first place. But I would try first, to let her know you want to reconnect because you miss her. When you two do get together, I would try to see what’s been eating her, before laying into the offer of letting her step down. Maybe you two can clear the air before that becomes an option. Maybe I’m sensitive, but if someone simply offered me a way out, I’d feel basically obligated to take it, like they were really telling me they wanted to kick me out. And perhaps in the end, you should give her that option. After all you said you weren’t comfortable with her in the wedding party, at this point. I’m just saying until you talk to her, you won’t know what the problem is, and maybe it’s something that you both can feel better ironing out, before such a drastic move.
What could be bothering her? Maybe she is having marital problems. Maybe she’s having wedding blues, and is jealous of your wedding planning. Maybe she’s having trouble getting pregnant and is having a hard time dealing with the happiness of others. Maybe she feels you’ve asked the Bms to spend too much money.
From your standpoint, it might be hard to believe she can’t see she’s out of line. But maybe she doesn’t. Just try to have an open heart to heart before pulling the plug. Good luck.
Post # 11
I think you wrote a very tasteful e-mail and I would send it. As far as not wanting to talk about weddings, could it be she’s still burnt out from planning her own?
Post # 12
Don’t send the email. Yes, it’s perfectly nice and not rude at all, but tone really gets lost in email, and she might take it the wrong way entirely. I’d agree, sit down with her over coffee, see what’s going on. Maybe things are a little rough, maybe she’s just completely burnt out on weddings after planning her own (Lord knows I’m going to be taking a big step back after I say I do!) If you talk to her in person, it’s a lot easier to get both of your real emotions through instead of just misinterpretations. Remember, she’s your friend before she’s your bridesmaid.
By The Way, am I the only one that gets annoyed when I see "she’s probably jealous of your wedding" as an answer to everyone’s questions when someone isn’t acting the way the bride wants them to? Really, not everyone is jealous of weddings!
Post # 13
I think your email is tasteful, like Lillindy said, but I think an even better idea is to do what Johnsbride09 mentioned and meet up with the girl and ask her what’s going on. It’s really important throughout the wedding planning process with your wedding party to make sure that first and formost you nurture a healthy friendship with them and secondly involve them in your wedding. If I had a friend getting married and all she talked about was her wedding all the time, I would get burned out quick and feel like she had stopped caring about me as a friend (I am not saying you did this at all, but just generally speaking it’s important for every bride to remind themself of this!) Maybe it’s not too late to turn things around and foster your friendship with her again, and have her partake in your wedding if you still end up wanting her to.
I don’t really think that you can judge whether or not it’s "fair" or if she owes you interest in your wedding based on the interest you showed in her wedding. I have found through my own experience with bridesmaids that some people just really, really love this type of thing and want to be involved every second and others just really don’t want to talk about your wedding all that much at all. Maybe she is just the latter type of person, and that’s fine- when you sit down and talk with her about it, maybe you can discuss your expectations of a bridesmaid and work out some kind of agreement about how much/little planning she’ll be involved in.
Good luck with this situation! It can be tricky.
Post # 14
I think it’s a great idea to talk about this with her, but I also agree that I’d do it face to face or at least on the phone, rather than in an e-mail… that can be so impersonal and messages can get lost or misunderstood, and you don’t want that, either.
Not sure what her personal situation is, but could it be possible that she’s having any relationship problems and thus doesn’t want to talk about weddings?Maybe start out by asking her if she’s okay these days, that she seems distant, that you want to help and don’t want her to be uncomfortable for any reason at the wedding, and give her a way there to bow out.
Tough situation… good luck!
Post # 15
I agree with the previous post. Even as I was reading your email, I could pick out little parts that may be misinterpreted.
It sounds as if there is a little more going on with her than just not being into your wedding. If she gives you the chance to talk to her in person, it may be a chance for her to open up.
Post # 16
I think your email was perfect, and gives her an out if she would rather not be in your wedding. Her email to you was very unfair, and maybe she’s having marital issues of her own. Being in a wedding might remind her of that and that might be why she isn’t as excited to be in your wedding. I would send her the email, and if she doesn’t respond, maybe take her out of your wedding yourself…