Post # 17
I feel that you are being very considerate and fair. You are not just throwing her out, you are wondering if an email or conversation is the best way to go, etc. You are correct in your feelings that this is unfair. It doesn’t matter if she’s having a hard time or not. The way she is behaving is plain rude. I know plenty of people who are going thru hell while I’m getting married but are not behaving that way. It’s common sense to behave more politely than that. “I’m not interested in talking about weddings?” Come on. She has to say more than that. You don’t end it there. I know if I were unhappy or feeling jealous I would still make an attempt to either be there for the bride or if I couldn’t at least explain where I was at and apologize. Common sense. I’d never act like that.
And more often than not people are jealous when they act this way. That’s a fact, sorry to the one or two people here who doubt it. Jealous of the happiness, jealous of the attention, of many things. Though it is not always conscious. Nothing wrong with feeling jealous, but there is something wrong with acting out as a result of being jealous, and that’s exactly what she’s doing (though maybe it’s unintentional).
If she means a lot to you, maybe talking live is better. At the same time the email sounds good by itself. Anyway I bet if she were around more you’d feel more comfortable talking to her live. She hasn’t been around so I don’t think it’s so inappropriate to send a “distant” email. And if she is hurt or something gets misunderstood b/c it’s an email, well she’s sort of brought it on herself! Let her reach out to you and clarify what the email is about then — after all you’ve been going crazy having to guess what’s going on with her so let her guess what you mean!
Sorry if I sound angry but I’m at a point where I’m tired of people acting out as a result of jealousy around people having weddings. Her problems are not your problem. She does not have to be jumping up and down and really really into it like the others. But in general you have every right to expect respect and at least some effort from people close to you to be happy for you in some way!
Post # 18
Ive kind of been going through the same thing. Only my bridesmaid didn’t flat out tell me she wasn’t interested in talking about weddings, instead she never answers any phone calls or any messages and she NEVER tries to contact me, even if its just to say hi or to keep in contact. She pretty much has completely ignored me the past few months. I sent her messages too, asking if everything was alright, asking her if she could still do it, asking her if she still wanted to be in the wedding. I told her I would understand and all that. What I got back I didn’t expect. She pretty much tried to turn it around on me saying that I hurt her feelings for thinking that she didn’t want to be in the wedding. What was I suppose to think? She never answered me AT ALL. I was very accomotating to all my bridesmaids and tried really hard to make them happy with their dress.
So she then said she thinks its best that she wasn’t in the wedding and acted like it was because I hurt her feelings. I was nothing but nice and I asked her what the reason was and she never responded…..of course, so that just proved to me that she was shelfish and never considered my wedding like she said AND hasn’t considered me as a friend in a long time. Saying nothing says a lot sometimes.
I know how you feel and its very frustrating! Sounds like she is pretty selfish also. Like you said maybe it would be best to sit and talk with her face to face. I think your email sounded great but I also thought the message I sent to my “friend” was good too. I didn’t have the option to talk to her on the phone even, everything was through text because that was the only way she would respond. So def talk to her face to face if you can.
Good luck girl! Hope everything works out with out any drama.
Post # 19
I agree with the hive, i would approach it in a nice way and give her the option to bow out gracefully.
Post # 20
Usually I’m against people asking BMs to step down because they seem uninterested, but your situation seems different to me. I mean, the dress is the one most important thing she has to do, and she’s dragging her feet on that. I don’t think I would put up the offer to let her step down in the very first email, but I would ask her if everything is ok, tell her you’ve sensed her being standoffish, and ask if you have offended her/what the situation is. Then if she comes back and apologizes, saying she’s been super busy and will try harder, makes plans to get together etc. you don’t have that awkwardness of having put the possibility of her stepping down out there. But if she comes back and refuses to admit that anything is wrong, or worse doesn’t respond at all, you can reply with the offer to step down- after you’ve given her one last chance, you know?
Good luck, and let us know what she does…
Post # 21
IMO, this should be a phone call or in-person conversation. Email is cold and impossible to dictate tone. She is more likely to get defensive faced with that in her inbox as opposed to you meeting for coffee, asking genuinely FIRST how she is doing, and then discussing your wedding.