(Closed) Uninterested FI

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

If it makes you feel any better, my Fiance is very similar.  He also refuses to get excited about ANYTHING because he can’t stand anticipation!  I would like him to be more involved, but I know he doesn’t care about the same details that I do.  For example, one of his 2 jobs was to get gifts for the groomsman.  He ordered them online today, they will be here by the 21st, our wedding in on the 24th!!!!!!!  He better hope the postal service does thier job!

 What I needed to do was have a heart to heart.  I needed to hear him tell me, that although he would still rather go to Las Vegas and get married in a drive through, that he is still happy to be marrying me.  That the actual wedding vows mean so much to him and that he loves me so much he can’t wait until I am his wife.

After that I felt alllllll better!  And of course be careful trying to initate this heart to heart.  I needed to be careful and pick a time when I knew he would be willing to talk.  A time when he wasn’t in a bad mood or distracted!

 Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with Candi, sit down and have a heart to heart conversation and just be open and honest with how you have been feeling.  In the beginning my Fiance also told me whatever I wanted for the wedding he was on board but he wasn’t really involved in it.  So I decided to give him some projects so he would stay focused on the wedding as well, such as having him do the music playlist, help make monograms cause he’s good with Photoshop, things that was more in his realm.  I’ve learned that rephrasing your questions and your tone is key as well.  Hope that helps!

Post # 5
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

mine is the exact same. it has been pulling teeth to get him to find an officiant which he said he wanted to do! i’m really worried about the honeymoon, which is "his thing" too, but i just bite my tongue and try to maintain perspective. i don’t want to start a nagging marriage.

it really sucks when you are excited about an idea and he’s like "yeah, i don’t really like that". you just want to yell about how he’s not doing anything and he has NO ideas! DUMMY! 

That’s why i love this site so much though — we’re all going through this to some degree, and we can all at least support each other and keep the insanity in check

Just remember that disinterest in the wedding isn’t disinterest in you or the engagement. it’s just a distracted dude thing. There was a reformed groom that posted on here recently — once they were within a month of the wedding and he suddenly realized that he needed to kick it into gear and help. I don’t think there’s any groom in the world that won’t at least be thrilled on the day of!

i had a meltdown the other week because we were arguing about .. make up. this is so embarrasing, but i’ll share. He is used to "every day me" where I don’t wear much, and I’ve been wearing a lot more at special occasions to get him used to the idea for the expensive photos. and he’s always making some comment on it.

so i basically flipped about how we were spending so much on photos and i wasn’t coming down the aisle with cutoffs and a sixer of PBR and did he realize that you can’t run by Target day-of and pick up an officiant??!!!

well, we fought that one through, but I guess the lesson I’ve taken from this is — be serene, be your best sweet self — for your own mental health. the strain isn’t worth it. don’t obsess about wedding details if he isn’t interested. obsess on the internet, and let his mom yell at him if you come up short on an officiant.

DO HAVE the heart to heart though — wait a while and let the meltdown pass. and then be very calm and explain how you feel, what you need him to do, and then let it be.

sorry. this is a long response, but clearly it’s been on my mind  

 

Post # 7
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think Jen has a great suggestion. Finding out what is important to your Fiance and asking him to do those tasks by a certain deadline might help. I also wouldn’t worry too much about his lack of enthusiasm having anything to do with you. As my Fiance says, the wedding is not really his thing, but he is willing to help out any way he can and is looking forward to the marriage.

Post # 8
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

Mine doesn’t have an overabundance of opinions either. And like he said to me last night, it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just that he doesn’t have an opinion! So when he said he liked the french meringue frosting better than the buttercream (even though I didn’t), we went with that because he actually had an opinion!

He’s also helped keep me grounded. When I was freaking out about stamps – custom, regular, if they were going to get messed up by the post office – he brought me back down to earth and reminded me that basically I’m the only one who is going to know and that while he thinks it’s great I’m so concerned with making it a great day, that’s just what it is. This whole planning process has really made me believe I’ve finally picked the right guy – because he’s been able to talk me down off the ledge all the while balancing my crazy parents and making them happy as well.

I think as long as your Fiance is interested in YOU, you’re fine. We did a lot of talking about our future in pre-marital counseling with our pastor, which makes me feel so much better when he doesn’t have an opinion on whether we get 7/8 or 1 inch ribbon on our cake. I know he loves me and wants to have kids with me. No one will remember the cake ribbon.  

Post # 9
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My Fiance is nowhere near as obsessed as I am, but he definately has opinions, and we are doing this pretty much as a team.  This week we are assembling invitations every night, and he is really excited to see them come together.  He has been to every vendor appointment except the florist, and he is a huge help with organization.

At the beginning, it was a little difficult as he had no idea how much work was involved.  Also, he just doesn’t want to have to think about it 24/7.  So we set aside one afternoon a week to go to lunch and go over all the samples and options and make decisions.  We would go to lunch at the country club and take up a huge table with all our stuff.   At about 90 days out, we went to one afternoon a week for general planning, and started setting aside at least one other afternoon or evening for vendor appointments, registering, etc.  This week we have invitation tasks every night, and I’m guessing that kind of thing will be pretty continuous over the next two months (we’re currently 60 days out) as we work on favors.  We have figured out that working after dinner most evenings lets us have some fun, or work on getting ready to move on the weekends.

He doesn’t always have a strong opinion, but from the beginning we were clear that this needed to be a team effort. Plus, that’s just the kind of relationship we have – teamwork is important to us.  He’s been a single father for years, and I’m a successful career woman – neither one of us is interested in a relationship that involves one person sitting around and expecting the other to take care of them.  We share the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, and responsibility for the kids, and we both work 40 hours a week, so how would it be reasonable or fair for him to play computer games while I assembled invitations?  Seriously.

I think wedding planning has been great preparation for marriage.  It’s a huge effort, with lots of stress, involving lots of people, in which you get to see how well you work as a team.  If you can’t figure out how to equitably divide the labor involved in throwing a party for 200 of your nearest and dearest, how on earth are you going to be able to get through 2 a.m. feedings?  If your Fiance is interested in you, how is it that he can’t be sufficiently interested to spend a few evenings sitting at the table with you stuffing envelopes?  After all, you don’t spend most of your life on vacation.  You spend most of your life doing day-to-day stuff that nobody loves (folding towels? making beds? washing clothes and dishes?) If I hadn’t known he was the kind of guy who would pitch in and do his share, I would never have said I’d marry him.

Next month we get to wrap 200 votive candles in little organza circles and tie ribbons around them – he says it will be fun.  I love him lots and lots.

Post # 10
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

hehe, don’t let suzanno freak you out.  Her Fiance sounds great, but not all guys are like that, and that doesn’t mean you don’t have a great relationship.  I do all the folding towels, making beds, washing dishes clothes. But he mows the lawn, vacuums the pool, weedwacks, plows, fixes the cars, watches the baby while I go shopping 🙂 etc.  So if I do all the wedding planning, that’s cool with me.  I don’t care if he’s into the wedding, as long as he’s into me!

I think if I asked my Fiance to "wrap 200 votive candles in little organza circles and tie ribbons around them"  he would fall over laughing!

Post # 11
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

well, there’s also a big difference in being 60 days out and a year away. I think the original poster’s profile said her date is in 2009, and I don’t think most guys want to hear about your every whim or idea when there’s so much time to go!

Post # 12
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You’re too right missrae – 7 months ago Fiance was mystified at why we had to be doing anything at all; he gets more and more involved as the days count down.

And honestly, my Fiance can hardly be trusted with a tool.  So I fix the cars, and most stuff around the house.  He does mow the lawn.  He also makes his own Valentine’s Day and birthday cards!  I did have to teach him to fold a towel, and he is still mystified by the tri-fold technique, although he admits it looks nice on the towel rack.  He washes his own shirts, because they are fancy made-to-measure and have to hang to dry, and I don’t think he trusts me not to forget and throw them in the dryer.  And he spends way more on shoes than I do, and makes really good pesto.  We have a more than a little trouble with standard gender identity roles.

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