(Closed) Uninterested MOH and Bridesmaids.

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am so sorry to hear that! I know how frustrating it can be! ( I also have bridesmaids and Maid/Matron of Honor who don’t seem very interested.)  It can be so heart wrenching to have your best friend not there to support you! Have you sat down with her and told her exactly how you felt (about you feeling she has no interest?)

Post # 4
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

MY Maid/Matron of Honor is my daughter — and she really could care less.  But seriously could I have had anyone else?  The rest of the bridal party are my nieces and my FDL

Post # 5
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry to hear about such little support.  It sounds like you’re doing all you can to support someone who isn’t giving back the same amount of energy.  I’m curious (if it’s okay to ask), what lead you to ask her to be your MOH?  Is she your best friend, a good friend, family?  And when you asked her, did she express any thoughts about what it would mean to be a Maid/Matron of Honor and what you were hoping to have her do?  It sounds like she SHOULD know, considering you supported her through hers…though sometimes people seem to like to have selective amnesia. 

I think that Jenny’s comment is a wise one…I’m always in support of honest and open communication…letting her know (in a non blaming way), how challenging it is for you with her responding to you the way she is.  Maybe she doesn’t realize how challenging it is for you.  And if she does well…maybe it’s worth reconsidering how much energy and effort you want to put into expecting her to change (which is really not easy and sad to do.) 

It sounds like your BMs are being supportive, as are other family members…is it possible for you to rely on them for support and only go to your Maid/Matron of Honor for things you know you won’t be shot down about?  (I know that’s not the ideal, though I always find it feels so much worse to be let down by the people you have high expectations of, rather than those you don’t).  As challenging and sad as it may be, it may be best for you, in order to support yourself, to focus on getting support from those who will give it, and say okay, whatever to those who don’t.  This doesn’t mean, though, that it isn’t worth talking to her first.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!  And as much as possible, definitely surround yourself with loving and helpful people!  ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 6
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh I am in the same boat. I am doing all the DIY projects by myself, but honestly it doesn’t bother me very much. They will be there on the wedding day to support me so I am pretty happy about that.

Post # 8
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m one of those people who will go out of my way to avoid conflict as much as possible…like, ignore it, hide from it, send emails to avoid it…so I definitely understand the challenge in bringing up a challenging conversation, ESPECIALLY with someone who you’re so close with.

What I was told long ago, and I think is great advice, is that in any challenging talk, being open, honest, and direct is the way to go.  And also, using “I” vs. “you” statements.  All of that basically means, being straight forward in sharing what you’d like to share, and keeping it about you and your feelings.  That way the conversation doesn’t turn blaming and the other person doesn’t feel the need to get on the defensive.

So, with your friend, well…let’s take the bridal shower situation for example.  An easy response to have would be, you really pissed me off when you disregarded my wishes, or didn’t distribute the money, or made me by things, why did you that?  To which her response would likely be something on the defensive, that would get the two of you nowhere.  An alternative approach could be something like, Friend, I was really hoping to have this, this, and that at the bridal shower.  I was really (upset/dissapointed/angry/etc.) when that didn’t happen.  Can I ask you what lead that to happen, or how come you ran out of time?   (Another thing…why is not a helpful question…it can get people on the defensive, and can be a very circular kind of question?  Why did you do this?  I dunno, why not?  As opposed to what lead this to happen, or how come).

It sounds like your most pressing issue right now is her working the morning of the wedding, which I can FULLY understand is upsetting.  If this is something you want to talk to her about, you can be straight forward about it…say something like, Friend, can we talk about you working the morning of the wedding?  I know you told me this (1/2/3 months ago, etc). and since I found out I’ve been (sad/upset/angry/hurt, etc) knowing this.  I would really love to have you there the morning of because you’re important to me, and it would mean a lot to me to have you be involved.  What can we do to make it work so you can be there?   Or something along those lines.  In this, all the focus is on you and your feelings, so there’s nothing blaming being said, nothing accusatory, and nothing defensive.  Also, it may be a bit manipulative, though I’ve recently realized how effective it can be to get people to do what you want to not really give them a choice.  (Like, can this work, (yes or no), vs what can we do to make this work (implied that there’s no option for no).

I think generally, if you do your best to focus on you, she will hopefully not become accusatory or defensive.  And hopefully you can find out about some of her motivations.  And, yeah as far as starting, just be direct…I’m feeling this way about this and I’d like to talk about it with you.  doesn’t have to be any more than that.

Good luck with what you decide to do!  And don’t forget to be doing nice things for yourself throughout!!!!!  Self-care is verrrrrrrrrrrrrry important in any stressful situation, whether its a “fun” stressful situation or not.  ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 10
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Im sorry your having a tough time with the wedding party ๐Ÿ™ My fi and I were going to have my sisters be bridesmaid and his brother and best friend and my sisters both showed no interest and blew me off and with the wedding in three month worth of time planning we decided to not have a wedding party i hope it all works out for you!!

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