(Closed) Uninvite her?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It sounds like she is either mad at you or feels uncomfortable with the people at these events since you haven’t talked in a while. If its the latter, she may come to the wedding since she can bring a date. I don’t think you should just uninvite her. 

A few options:

(1) Let it go. Pay for her meal. 

(2) You could call her again (“We missed you! Sorry you couldn’t make it! Yeah it was so much fun (blah blah blah)… oh wait, are you able to come to the wedding? Did you RSVP yes?) Then, you’ll get her final answer.

If you want to get really passive aggressive add in something about weddings being expensive and you are so worried that you’ll pay for uneaten meals, like your fictional friend. 

(3) The worst I would do (if she has just gone completely MIA, hasn’t returned multiple phone calls or texts, straight out ignoring you, clear that she is angry about something) is call and leave a message “I just wanted to say that I am giving the caterer the final #s. Since you’ve been ignoring my calls, I am going to assume you aren’t coming. I’m not sure what I’ve done to upset you, and I would love to still have you there. Please let me know whats wrong or if you will in fact be attending.”

Post # 5
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hmm. It sounds to me like she has total shameface about being such a flake. I would be more concerned that there is something big happening in her life, depression, drug use, etc. Getting a rescinded invite might be the last thing she needs. I would email her a heartfelt email relaying your concern. If you don’t hear from her in two weeks, then I would not include her in final numbers, but I would not go out of my way to tell her that she is no longer invited. Benefit of the doubt for now.

Post # 8
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I have no idea what to tell you.  This RSVP thing has left a sour taste in my mouth after my wedding.   I to had flaky people and the day before I paid the caterer which was 2 days before my weddding I contacted them to let them know that I had to pay the caterer per plate per person and I needed to know if they were attending.  I told them if they weren’t able to I understood but I didn’t want to overspend and waste money.   They all responded that they were coming and never came.  I had about 60 no shows!

I guess I would be as straight forward with her as possible.  Let her know that she RSVP for other events and didn’t show so you need to know if she is for sure coming to the wedding and If she can’t you totally understand.  If she said yes and doesn’t show let me know and I”ll find her and whoop her butt!

Post # 9
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@NewYearsEve:  But she RSVP’d yes so it seems kind of rude to say that you just assumed she wasn’t coming after she RSVP’d yes. What if you can’t get a hold of her and she comes to the wedding like she RSVP’d?

I think we can all agree that a wedding is a little different to a pre-wedding party and that most people know that it costs a bride and groom if a guest is a no show. A no show at the bachelorette whilst not nice didn’t cost anyone anything financially (since she would have been covering her own costs right).


Post # 10
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I had a similar experience with more than one bridal party member. I have empathy for your situation and understand how you feel with all the missed events. I was in the same situation people said they were coming to bridal shower, bachelorette party etc and then never showed. The one person I was counting on as a friendor caterer pulled the same BS at the rehearsal set up therefore we had to count on family to step in and cater the wedding. So if you have been uable to have a real conversation about her behaviour then I suggest you let here know that her lack of ability to keep her commitments has led you to taking her off the catering list. Sorry to say but $80 a head times two is not the same as missing a bridal shower

Post # 11
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@j_jaye:  Agreed. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. The wedding is the main event, so maybe she rationalized that it wouldn’t be a big deal to skip out on the pre-wedding stuff as long as she planned on coming to the wedding.

Post # 14
2163 posts
Buzzing bee

@NewYearsEve:  No those are not reasons that you end a friendship IMO.  Rescinding an invite is pretty much a relationship killer, and I don’t think a family emergency  and an unexplained miss are something that you kill a relationship over

It is important to keep in mind that NO ONE cares about your pre-wedding events nearly as much as you do.  And you also may want to keep trying to keep in touch with her, as she may be in need of a good friend right now.


Post # 15
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@NewYearsEve:  I wouldn’t tell her she isn’t invited, but I wouldn’t include her in the final count, either. You can always make the place card for her with a table number (at a table that has room for her and a guest) just in case she does show. I am assuming that you would have to pay for the number of guests you give in the final count, OR the number that show up, whichever is highest. You can have an extra spot “just in case” to accomodate for extra guests, but don’t include her in the count for catering.


Also, can we stop saying that “no one will care as much as you do”? That’s like “it’s ok that they hurt your feelings, since it’s just because they don’t care”.

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